Thursday, December 2, 2010

Private Yay or Private Nay...

I'm going to give you the story...

Derrick has an ex girlfriend that he broke up
with about 6 or 7 years ago.
She's married with a child now, but apparently
her mom just can't seem to let it go.

She's Derrick's wanna be mother in law.

She has given him a card on his bday every year
since I've known him.

She doesn't send it in the mail because she knows
Derrick's mom will throw it in the
garbage when she sees it is from.
So... how does she remedy this problem?

She goes to his parents house and actually puts it in the mailbox!
How creeptastic is that?!

She also decided to do a little drive by
to deilver our wedding gift.

She probably saw our announcement in the paper and
hid out at our reception the whole night and
then followed us home. It honestly wouldn't even
phase me at this point.

So, the other day I open my Facebook account
and lo and behold the creeper strikes again!

She actually stalked me out on Facebook and sent
me a message asking me to tell Derrick
that she was thinking about
him on his birthday (WOW! That's a shocker!)
and that she hopes he has a great year!

Ummm.. can you say innapropriate and uneccessary?

And then she said that she's so happy he found his perfect match, 'you'.
What the freak is up with the quotations?

Please reference this friends episode:

Who does she think she is air quoting me like that?

So anyway am I overreacting?
Was I too hasty with the going private thing?
I'd like to go private, but at the same time
it just seems like it will be such a pain!

Oooh maybe I could not go private and just
have cute code names for us...
Like, Derrick could be Pooky Lover Bunz,
I would be Sugar Nipples
(sweet and sassy at the same time!),
and maybe if I birth a boy his code name
could be Mr. Dumps Like a Champ!

I would still put up pictures of us,
blog about recent birthdays,
have friends and family on my sidebar etc.. because
it's not like any of those things could give
away the B family's anonymity! LOLZ

Chances are she doesn't even know I have a blog,
and if she does maybe now she'll get the hint...
or my husband will get kidnapped
and I'll be murdered!

So, what do YOU think?

Any words of wisdom/opinions that anyone can
offer would be great!

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Stocked and Skurred for My Babies!

Um, someone is stockeen me and I'm not
all that comfy with it. :(

I think my stocker has serious baby napping potential.

So, I'm going private fur real.
Leave me your email if you read my blog!
Don't be embarrassed
because chances are
that I read your blog too!

Thanks peeps!

Friday, October 29, 2010

I'm It!

Natty Bo Batty tagged me.

I am to answer 8 questions and then I tag 8 peeps with 8 different questions that I make up. The sad news is that I don't really think I have 8 friends who blog anymore. I probably didn't even have 8 friends to begin with.

Don't feel bad for me.
Who needs friends when I can and totally do
have out loud conversations with
myself on a regular basis?
It's all good!

What is your favorite TV show?

I have two.
Friends and The Office.
I'm not even going to beat around
the bush on that one.
(that's what she said)

What is one thing you would change if you could go back to your high school years?

I guess if I could go back and change something,
I would have been potty trained once and for all!
(It just feels like it's too late to learn now, ya know?!)

REALLY though, I did some pretty stupid things to
hurt friends and family that I wish I could take back,
but I've done my best to make my peace.
You live and you learn.

What is on your Christmas list this year?

Oh Christmas... I've been so excited all year long!
Why? I have no idea.

I can't even put up a Christmas tree this year
because our apartment is so stupid and tiny.
I'm still excited though!

All I've wanted for months and months is a vacation,
but it turns out I married a money nazi!
No vacay for you!
So, I'll be good with clothes that
I won't be able fit into sooner than later
because of my expanding belly.

Just prepping myself.

Name something that always makes you happy.

It's like porno for my emotions.
Not really. I'm just trying to fit in!

My real answer is...
Food, for sure.
I'm talkin the good stuff.
None of this candy schmandy crap.
To be honest I'm more excited for
Thanksgiving than Christmas.

Nothing says I want to make you happy more than a
plump hamburger laden with juicy bacon and a side
of fat squishy fries waiting to be
immersed in fry sauce.


If you won a billion dollars what would you do with it?

I would probably croak before I got to
spend a dime of it.
That just seems to be the way things go.

But just in case I didn't...
I would buy lots and lots of houses,
flying lessons, and a plane.
Then I would travel my butt off with Derelict!
Houses on beaches, cabins in the mountains,
a hut in Africa, a castle in India
a teepee on the reservation...
You name it, I bought it!

If you had three wishes, what would you wish for?

1. That no one would ever go hungry.

2. To be surrounded by stupid people no more!

3. To have a happy family forever.

What is your favorite food in the whole wide world?

I've been stuck on this question for 20 minutes and counting....

Ding ding ding!!!

My desk is covered in drool.
It's a tie between
that burger I just had a love affair with in question
four, sushi, and Costa Vida sweet pork.

If you could go anywhere in the world, all expenses paid...
Where would you go?

I have a lion fetish.
One could eat me and I wouldn't even be mad.

I doubt anyone will do this, BUT...
I tag
Brittni, Angela, Kim C., Keri A., Cheyanne,
Shelsie, Chelsea, and Kami L.

Your new questions are:

What is your most embarrassing moment?

Who, what, where, when, and how was your first kiss?

What is your favorite movie?

If you only had 24 hours left to live, how would you spend it?

What is your favorite thing to do to relax?

What is your biggest pet peeve?

Do you have a "list"
(you know, a hibbity dibbity one)

If so, who is on it?

What is something that always makes you happy?

Have fun guys!

Monday, October 25, 2010

Let Me Just Crawl in a Hole and Die

I thought my blog was kind of depressing last time.
So, I thought I'd give you something to point and laugh at today.

Embarrassing Moment #213

I'm in 4th-ish grade.
I'm awkward and skinny and snotty nosed.
All that is pretty much the same
except for the skinny part.

My mom signs me up for a modeling class,
maybe she thought it would boost my self esteem.

All the pretty girls I dance with are there.
Insecurity steps up to the plate.
and it is a bad MoFO.
So bad that I'm too afraid to ask if I can use the
restroom because peeing is gross.
I don't want the pretty girls to know I urinate!

The model teacher asks me to get up and
practice the model walk.

Unfortunately for me, in order to
walk this walk you CAN'T have your hand
over your privates AND you have to SEPARATE
your legs from each other.

Oh yeah, and remember skorts?
I'm wearing one.
It's not even a concealing color.
It's denim.

I take step one,
I'm a supermodel!

Step two,
Legs are trembling...

Step three,
Pee is trickling down the legs...

Step four,
My bladder *EXPLODES*

I freeze, look down,
and pray that it will stop.
I guess I'm just not that lucky.

The model teacher runs to me and
rushes me to the bathroom.

I lock myself in the stall and cry
like a baby who still pees her pants.

Good thing I learned my lesson...
Not even close.
I still pee my pants.
It's been a couple years though!
I'm keepin my fingers crossed!!
(and my legs)

Embarrassing Moment #578

New Years Day 2006

I'm obsessed with DDR.
If you don't know what DDR is you're lame
and I shouldn't even explain, but I will.
DDR stands for
Dance Dance Revolution

Fist pump to everyone who knew
what I was abbreviating!

Anyway the night before we had a rockin
80's party in L-town.

I stayed at the house we partied at with my
BFF Kelsey. The next morning I bust my DDR
mats out of my trunk for a little competition.
Yes, I kept them in my trunk.
Boooya! Chest Bump!

This home we stayed at is housed by many boys.
I know, I know, I'm a sinner!

All I had was my 80's outfit and it wasn't
DDR comp material, so I borrowed
some shorts from one of the fellas.

Let the dancing begin!!!

I'm rockin out to one of my fave songs
when two boys who don't live there show up.
I pay them no attention because I'm in the zone.

Prepare to judge me harshly.
It should be noted that at this time
in my life I wasn't big on wearing underwear?!
Don't ask me why!!

I blame it dancing and massage school.
You could never wear undies with tights
and spandex AND I had to get naked
everyday at school and underwear
was just one more thing to put on
and take off.

One of the boys who shows
up has a video camera rolling.
The other boy runs over pulls on my shorts and...
I've been depansted!!!!

And I'm still jumping...
my shorts are down to my ankles and
my white booty is bouncing for all to see.

I still thank my lucky stars that everyone in the room
was sitting behind me instead of in front of me.

I made sure the video was destroyed,
but just in case I did not name names on purpose.
So there's no need to go looking for it
OK?! Ok.

Friday, October 8, 2010

About To Be Estrogen Free!!!

Remember this post?
Yeah. It did me in.

This post will probably be TMI for some of you,
but I'm having a pity party so deal with it.

I had surgery last Friday on my woman parts.
They found endometriosis.
Or in my gyno's words
"A bunch of shit. This is really shitty. Shit, shit, shit."
I love him.

So basically if I ever want kids I have to start
making them today.
I can go on a shot that will cause my body to
go through a temporary menopause.

I'm getting the shot.
3 months min
6 months max

Next time I blog I'll probably be doing it in a pool of
sweat and tears because I just had my first
hot flash and I'm only 24.

It gets better.
After the shot I start making babies.

After the first baby is born
I get back on the wagon to make another one.

No time inbetween.
And I repeat that until I'm a
tubbalard on meds,
with a minivan, and have my
desired amount of mouths to feed
and butts to change.

I get to have a hysterectomy.

Derrick will probably leave me.
I'm already certifiable.
They'll find me one day;
diapers all around me, crap up my arms
and throw up in my hair, with a kid attached
having a suckle of my zipple.
I'll be crying hysterically
and they'll take me away and put me
in an institution.
So say goodbye to the Ashley you knew.

Welcome the new Ashley who has a
cheesebuger at every meal to eat away her
depressed menopausal, soon to be prego
all the time, and then
without a uterus feelings.

The end.

PS - Don't call the WAAAHHmbulance on me
I know things could be worse, but
I just feel like being a baby.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Um... Yum

I made BOMB Cheesecake Factory Salads a while ago.
I'm using the restaurant picture because
I don't take pictures of my
food. I lived in a basement with no light.
That's right people I said LIGHT
it's important.

(for all you "pro" photographers with a dslr, yeah I'm talking to you, you can't just point it at people, click the button, photoshop the pic to death, and say you have a business because you bought a fancy camera. Sorry to crush your perverted dreams of snapping pics of naked babies with headband flowers as big as Dolly Parton's woohoos...)

Now, now that rant wasn't meant to offend anyone that I love.

I was screwed by someone with a fancy camera
and photoshop once and because
it was an unwilling screw, I have issues.

Moving on!!!

Cheesecake Factory Barbecue Ranch Chicken Salads

1 Rotisserie chicken
1 Cup of your fave bbq sauce
Romaine Lettuce
Frozen Corn thawed
Cucumber slices
1 can black beans rinsed and drained

Avacado chunks or slices
Ranch Dressing
bbq sauce
Fried onion strings

I used this recipe for my onion strings

Shred chicken and mix with 1 cup bbq sauce.
Put lettuce on a plate and top with corn, cucumber,
black beans, avacado, and shredded chicken.
For the dressing mix equal parts of bbq sauce and ranch
or if that sounds sick to you, just use plain ranch.
Top salad with dressing and onion strings and
prepare to
stuff your face with goodness!

Thursday, August 12, 2010

A Ghost, In the Kitchen, With an AntiKnockUpressant!!

Ummm ok this is gonna be weird, but I just gotta get it out there.
This is my birth control

Yes it still works, no I'm not pregnant.
BUT see how the last Monday of the month is missing...
Yeah that's how I found it on Monday night.


And notice, when I take out a pill the clear plastic is
dented, but there is no dent in the plastic
on the missing Monday.

Now there is no logical explination for this that I can
even fathom.

So here's what I've come up with...

1. Someone stole it.
Not likely, but I guess it could happen.
Maybe someone thought it was
like a morning after pill

2. It's a sign from above.
I'm supposed to skip that pill, become a
baby mama to Derrick,
and a boob slave to my posterity, but
you'd think if that were the case it would just
happen on it's own.
Like Mary the virgin child...
except it'd be like
Ashley the married skank

3. A ghost took it.
which would be pointless because
don't girl ghosts know they can't get
pregnant because boy ghosts have
(yeah it's a Halloween joke we used to tell in
high school and it just never gets old.)

This is the one I'm sticking with.
because I believe in ghosts and
I think the evil ones are out to destroy my life.

So when I go to the pharmacist begging him for
a free Monday pill what story makes me
sound the least crazy?

1...2... or 3...
We shall see!

Friday, July 16, 2010

The wheels is spinning

I've had a couple requests to come alive
in blogland and my boss
is gone today, so here I am.

My new last name could sound kind of hispanic.
Plurally prounounced: Bow/deen/ez
If Derrick ever makes me get a van
I'll make it an Astro and
I'm putting "Bodines" gold vinyl on my rear window.
And when my possy sees it, they'll be like
"Ay!! There go da Bowdeenez!
Mucho love for da Bowdeenez!!!"
That's right you mess with one of us
and you're messin with us all.

I HATE my fake laugh.
Every time I do it, I cringe.
I need a new one.
Or I could just be a weeotch and not
laugh when I really don't think something is funny
What do you think?
I just usually do it at work.
Is it more important to keep up the PR or just be me?

Old Navy bites the weenie
I went there the other day and I swear
they could make such cute clothes, but then the
designers are like
nah... this is too cute
let's throw this unicorn striped ruffle on it and
then it will be all sensually subliminal
because the ruffles make it look
like the unicorns are doing it.
I only say that because that's how I think
clothing designers think.
At least they'll get some recognition with that kind of thinking
because only people who are on
People Of Walmart
will actually buy that crap.

Speaking of Walmart
almost every time I go there I get called Ma'am
or stalked by uncaucasian
(not being racist, just stating the facts)
college kids until they avert their eyes
from my lovely lady lumps (aka private parts)
and see a ring.
Ugh! It's like I'm in that Britney Spears song
I'm Not a Girl, Not yet a Woman
but it's more like
I'm not A-vailable, Not yet a Ma'am
Ya feel me?

Speaking of Music...
Tonight I'm going to a Mo-Tab Pioneer concert.
We're taking out lighters,
My sister isn't going to wear a bra,
and I'm going to throw my G bottoms on
stage!!! WOO, PANTIES!!!!
Yeah, I might go to hell for that,
but so are you because
A - that made you smile or B - you're judging me.
So, see ya there!
Have a good one!

Monday, April 5, 2010


So, I came to work today and it's Monday.
Woot! Not.

But then my friend who sits by me decided to tell me
a story, and it made my day.
I'll share it with you.

So, my friend at work has some friends who have some friends.
And they have a son who is special needs.
We'll call him John.

John is about 28 years old and decided recently that he
wants to live on his own.
So he got an apartment close to his family and he's been there
for about a month.

On St. Patricks Day he called his dad FRANTIC!!!

John: "Dad!! Dad, you have to come over right now!"

Dad: "Why, what's going on?"

John: "There's a troll in my house and he's gonna get me!! Leave work right now, you have to come over!!"

Dad: "I can't leave work for two hours, so you're just going to have to wait."

Dad is thinking someone is probably just dressed up like a leprechaun outside or something.

So then John calls his sister and says, "You HAVE to have dad come over to my house to get rid of this troll!"

Dad calls back and says,
"John, you're just going to have to wait for two hours."

So John waits.

Dad gets there and John races him to his room.
Dad sees that John has put everything he could in front of the closet.
His dresser, his kitchen table and chairs, books... everything.

He can hear something in there, so he starts
moving all of the stuff out of the way.

He opens the door and there's a midget in the closet!!!

He was a door knocker for the Jehovah's Witnesses.

So when John opened the door to this poor midget, he picked him up and shoved him into his closet.

Talk about a freakin crack up.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Dear Body, I'm sorry.

I'm a failure.
I made it Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday...
Thursday I got vertigo.
That was a freakin trip.
I got back on track and rocked it on
Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.
Monday came and I decided that would be my day off.
Tuesday came and I worked out that morning, but
that afternoon the devil came to my work.

Yes the devil, the root of all evil.
Thin Mint Girl Scout Cookies.
I ate half a box in less than an hour.
AND I haven't exercised for a week and two days.

AND I had a chocolate brownie with marshmallows
and chocolate frosting on top this morning for breakfast.

My mom made them for Derrick the other day
and he tried to hide them from me,
but I just couldn't resist!

So, I'm cursing myself.

This Boo lady will haunt my dreams

until I can get my fat butt out of bed

in the mornings.

Boooo!!! BOOOO!!!!

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Diet Coke and a Pizza Please?!

I'm sick of sitting down and having my G's create that weird fat roll, muffin top, disgusting, flabby, jiggly, pudge thing.

I've tried to embrace it, but there comes a time in everyone's life when you must say goodbye to something you've become comfortable with. So comfortable, you've stroked it and petted it and loved it and just held on to it for years.

It's time to abandon the chubby wagon.

So, the last two mornings I've been doing Slim in 6.
With the one and only Debbie Siebers.

I will be waking up to this face for the next 6 weeks.

Doesn't she just look so cheery?!

Well, she's a mental workout beeotch.

During the pushup part she turns her head and smiles at the camera for ALL of them.

You guys are probably like "Oh big whoop you've been exercising for two days."

Yeah?! Well it is a big whoop to me. I've tried to start this program like 10 times and I'll do it the first day and then the next day I walk around like Brian Mitchell will be if he ever gets to prison and Big Bubba finds him. So, after the first day.... I quit.

Seriously I'm only on the first DVD (it's like 30 minutes) and I'm so sore it hurts to breathe.

It took me at least 10 minutes to walk from my car into work today.

And I just dropped the mail on the floor and had to bend down to pick it up. HAHA. I am so glad no one had to watch that. Talk about scarred for life.

And my poor landlords probably wonder what the crap is going on down in my apartment because I have to seriously grunt like the macho men do to get myself to do the next lunge without falling over. And the next. And the next.

But the good news is


And if I can make it to day number 2 I can do anything.

So, here is my farewell to fat.

Goodbye fat, you suck.

And if all else fails and I'm a lumpy butt for life, this will be my theme song.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Picture This...

It's Saturday
The first day you get to sleep in all week.
You're a massage therapist.
You have to leave for work at 9:00.
You let yourself sleep until 8:30.

You brush your teeth.
Put on some deoderant.
Get dressed in your so-so clothes because
you don't want to get your nice ones dirty.
Run a brush through your second day hair.
Put on some tinted moisturizer
and a little mascara and a little lipgloss.
And you're out the door.

You get to work and your boss comes down.

He says, "Hey we've got camera crews and professional actors coming this morning to film a commercial. What's your schedule looking like?"

You say, "Well, we have an hour break from 11-12."

He says, "Good we'll have them come down to film then."

You say, "Okie doke."

11:00 rolls around.
The camera crew shows up.
There are no actors with them.

The crew grabs some random customers
and asks them to be in the commercial
as clients in the spa.
They are kind enough to say ok.

The crew grabs you and says,
"Ok, you're going to be giving them the massages."

You say, "What is this commercial for?"

They say, "We'll be airing it all over Utah for the next month and a half."

You remember how craptacular you look today
and realize your fugly face is going
to be broadcast all over the state.
And you cry.

The end.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

It's dramatic, but less ghetto

Derrick's bro showed me this movie a while ago.
It's so enlightening!

Peace & Blessings!!

Friday, January 22, 2010

Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma, Ma, Mum, Mommy

I don't want kids until I go on many many vacations
that I wouldn't be able to take if I had snotty nosed
back talking little shiz heads running around.

(kinda looks like Derrick huh?!)

I'm just trying to be real.
Don't give me your judgemental
critical crap about how I'm being selfish &
about how children are the
greatest blessing that you will
ever experience in this lifetime.

Until I have my own kids
I won't believe you, so you can shut it.

Because I've seen it all.
There are 5 kids in my family.
I'm surprised we are all still alive.

I've also been to Wal-Mart and sacrament meeting &
I believe those two environments
are about the best birth control available.

Better than the pill by far.
I have to remember to take a pill.

It takes a lot to forget
scenes of mothers who have become deaf
to the screams of their own children.

Mothers with perma smiles plastered
on their paint canvas faces,
the dark circles under their eyes so caked
in makeup that you need a putty knife scrape it all off.
All for the sake of "being perfect"
and fitting in at church.

Mothers who eventually lose it because they just
found out their eldest is in jail,
the middle just caught
her and the hubs doing the hibbidy dibbity,
and their youngest just spewed red
Kool-Aid and cheerios on the new carpet!

(After this post I will miraculously become
big with child because of my blasphemy
toward the mother/child relationship.)

So anyway I would like to one day take a
long road trip up and down the west coast.
And when I get to Washington
this is where I'm staying.

Treehouse Point!
It's a little bed and breakfast.
Imagine... Swaying in a treehouse
suspended over a rushing river in the
middle of a forest during a
massive thunderstorm.

I know it sounds crazy,
but at least it would be fun.

Maybe one day when I've completely
lost it sqeezing something the size of a
grapefruit out of my nostril will
appeal to me as much as my cute
litte treehouse vacation.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Stickin' it to the Man

I took a break from blogging.
It can just be so darn detrimental sometimes!
I put myself out there and run the risk of
being made fun of for trying to astoud you
with my quick wit and dazzling intellect.
And I run the risk of not getting enough
comments to confirm my awesomeness and
popularity. Somtimes it's just too tough for
my sensitive spirit to endure sometimes.

I needed to take a step back, examine my life and my
priorities and decide if blogging truly has a place in my life.

I just got sick of it.
The end.

I know. I'm a rebel freak.
I haven't even seen New Moon yet.
(Can you even imagine???!!)

The last few weeks at work have been unbearably
boring, so I'm back on the wagon.
A smidgen of my wasted time will be devoted
to blogging every once in a while, and
what better way to do that than
by journaling for the world to see?

Increasing my spiritual knowledge makes me yawn.
Overacheiving and asking for more work is for butt kissers.
I've already printed out every recipe known to man.
If you refer to the post below I can only handle
Facebook for so long...
I can't read books because I don't "look" busy.

I'm done with my work in about 2 hours
& I'm here for 9.
Therefore, I shall blog.
Go ahead and pay me for that, SUCKERS!
Today I will perform an act of service & post a recipe.

Slow Cooker Chicken and Dumplings

Not that good looking, but delicious.
Like a teenager with a hilarious personality,
but a gross zitty face.

You can get past it.

4 Boneless Skinless Chicken Breast Halves
2 Tablespoons Butter
2 (10.75 oz) Cans Cream of Chicken Soup
3/4 can of Chicken Broth
1 Onion Finely Diced
1 (10 oz Package Refrigerated Biscuit Dough
torn into pieces
1 tsp Cumin
1 tsp Poultry Seasoning
1/2 tsp Pepper
2 tsp Parsley

1. Place chicken, butter, cream of chicken soup, and onion in a slow cooker and pour chicken broth on the top.
2. Cover and cook for 6 hours on high. About 2 hours before serving, place the torn biscuit dough in the slow cooker.

Serve with cooked veggies. Corn, carrots, broccoli, peas.
Just whatever gets you excited.

Bon Appetit!