The Bodines

If you're happy and you know it clap your (fat )hands!

2011-11-25T14:00:00.001-07:00

I don't have much to say, but I need something to do so I'm jotting down some LOL's from the peeps in my life lately. Maybe they will make you laugh. Maybe you had to be there.

"Any of the ones that might even look attractive are all full of styrofoam!"
- My Grandma Babe talking about boobs.

"I knew they were jackin us off!"
-Someones mom talking about shopping

"Oh, is that where they all got sent to those penetration camps?"
-My BFF talking about the holocaust

"Ok, I'll have a number 2 and I want it doggy style"
- My work friend trying to order her burger at In N Out

And here's a prego update.

1- There is no ladylike way to get out of a car in a dress when you're 8 months pregnant. If anyone has been watching me today I know for a fact that they got a nice garment peep show because I'm not even attempting to make my car exits pretty.

2 - I will no longer leave the water running when I brush my teeth because every night when I try to heave myself from bed to pee for the bajillionth time, I have more and more sympathy for beached whales. SAVE THE WHALES PEOPLE!

3- My fingers are so swollen! I hate it. It looks like I have 5 teeny weenies on each hand. Everytime I look down at them I swear it's like looking at some weird homo porno. Who wants a special handshake?!

4 - I quit faking it last week. No, I'm not talking about the sexuals. I'll keep you guessing on that one. I'm talking about how I'm a total beeotch. It's a known fact that I possess severe intolerance for most people, but I can hide it pretty well. I've been a receptionist for 5 years, for crying out loud! I've pretty much got a bachelors in acting by now. Well, I think those 5 years of fakeness combined with a rapid 30 pound weight gain have done me in. I could snap and kill someone at any minute. A guy at work put a pen back in my pen cup today and I was totally pissed at him for it. I didn't even say thanks. I just glared at him so hard he probably crapped his pants from confusion and nervousness. Nevermind that he was doing me a favor and returning a pen he borrowed. He was in my personal space and he shouldn't be taking my stuff in the first place! So, save yourselves! Send me to the looney bin and put me in a straight jacket. (good luck finding one that fits!)

Usually it's not the thought that counts, it's what I want that counts.

2011-11-18T14:26:00.009-07:00

Guess what?! It's my baby's baby shower tomorrow! EEEEEEEEEEE! BAAAAAAAAA! She's so excited she's making me pee my pants everytime I sneeze or cough or laugh or blow my nose! Who wants white underwear when you can have yellow? If you forgot to get me a present here are few ideas!
(courtesy of pinterest)

etsy.com
dailydawdle.com

opinionatedbaby.com

And her name shall be....

2011-11-10T17:43:00.003-07:00

So we're trying to decide what to name the fetus.... I need opinions with every decision I make for some reason, so if you could kindly let me know what your numero uno is, I'd love to know! Middle names can be interchangeable, but I think I've got my fave combos down.

* Afton Lily Bodine
(Afton is Derrick's pick. Lily is Derrick's great grandma's name)

*Kendall Reese Bodine
(I like this name, so does the sperm donor. Reese is short for Teresa who is Derrick's mother aka MOBO(Mother Bodine))

*MarKel Marie Bodine
(I like MarKel, Derrick isn't hot on it. Marie is Derrick's gma's middle name)

*Autumn Ella Bodine
(We're both fans of Autum. Ella is short for my grandma's middle name which is Fordella... she was birthed in a Ford!)

Whatcha think peeps?!

Would you like suckle of my zipple?

2011-10-20T11:34:00.007-06:00

I've been going through pictures lately and I'm starting to think Derrick has a problem.

Here's to September

2011-09-01T14:29:00.005-06:00

Holy crap, this month sucked.

BUT I have had a ton of help from friends and fam and especially my pooky. I'm glad people love me even though I'm a crazy psycho.

I'll give you a run down just in case you missed out on the fun.

1. I ruin the only vacation I've been on in two years for me and everyone else there.

2. I have terrible kidney pain. Go to the ER twice, see 5 doctors, and get a CT scan. The verdict? You're pregnant so you'll have to suffer until the baby comes. Sucks for you. Derrick has to watch me scream and writhe in pain for a good two weeks.

3. Because of the pain I'm on drugs. My work decides they don't want me on drugs doing accounting. DEMOTION. I am the receptionist again.

4. I try a home remedy for kidney stones. 1/3 cup olive oil and 1/3 cup lemon juice. I chug that shiz down and am so stoked that I could actually do it! Two hours later I wake up to pee, go to the sink to wash my hands and freaking barf up EVERYTHING I ate that day into said sink. Now it won't drain and it's 1:30 in the morning... I've never dealt with a clogged sink before so I wake Derrick up. Big mistake. It might have been wiser for me to slit my wrists and watch myself bleed to death. He's obviously in no mood to help me so I grab a cup and a bowl from the kitchen and start scooping vomit into the bowl until I find the blockage.

Keep in mind that Lortab has been a steady part of my diet about every 2-3 hours and it's late so I'm not really all there... instead of dumping the puke in the toilet I decide to take it downstairs and run it through the disposal. I turn the switch on, puke dissapears, I go back to my nice comfy bed, right?! Umm no I flip the switch to shut the dang disposal off and it's still running. I flip it again and again and again and it won't turn off. Now, Derrick has decided to wake from hibernation... He screams profanity (at the situation, not at me) and turns the power off. I lay on the kitchen floor and bawl for a good 20 minutes. Turns out we had a bad switch.

5. Derelict stretches his arms out on the couch and knocks over my scentsy on our end table. Purple wax on the walls, in the carpet, on the lamp... EVERYWHERE.

6. I take Derrick's car to run an errand. When I pull into the garage I hit his mirror on the garage and kind of break it... oopsy. I'm not used to pulling in on his side. We get in a fight about it outside. The relief society prez lives right next to us. With all the screaming from the kidney stones and the fighting outside she probably expects to find one of us murdered someday.

7. I go in the house to do the dishes while Derrick tries to fix his mirror. I'm fuming. I turn on the kitchen faucet and it breaks... I can't turn the water off to save my life. I crawl in the sink and beat the living crap out of it trying to get the water to stop running. I swear my face off and I start bawling again. Derrick comes in and fixes it with ease. I go upstairs and cry myself to sleep.

8. I get a flat tire.

9. I notice my innie is turning outie. I truly thought I might be exempt from this one... I have a slight panic attack. I know I'm pathetic.

10. Yesterday, the last day of August. I come home from lunch. Derrick has been playing with knives. He has meat hanging out of his fingers. We go to Instacare and get him some stitches. I think we need Aflac.

PLUS my baby brother moved away to college. We tried to go to Bear Lake to Pickleville Playhouse for our anniversary, get over there and the play is sold out. My parents dog got ran over and I didn't even get a fair burger this year. :(

It's a good thing I've been practically inebriated most of the month.

I'm taking up drinking for fun.

2011-08-30T11:30:00.007-06:00

My vacations bite the weenie.

First weenie bite: 2007 - Oceanside California.
While frolicking in the ocean I get stung by a sting ray. Ended up in the ER.

Second weenie bite: 2008 - White Plains, New York
Anaphlyactic Reaction to unkown substace. Another ER visit. You can read all about it here .

Third weenie bite: 2009 - Cabo San Lucas, Mexico
Our honeymoon. We hunker down in one room with the entire resort and brace ourselves for Hurricane Jimena. We talked to our parents on the phone the ENTIRE trip. I call interference! Not my idea of romance, but I guess if we had been thinking straight we could have started a resort orgy or something.... Next time.

Fourth weenie bite: 2011 - Flaming Gorge, UT
We're on a boating trip with friends.
Day 1 we search all freaking day for a campground and when we finally get set up and want to start boating and it rains all. freaking. night.
Day 2 is wonderful.
Day 3 I wake up with pain in my back I've never experienced before. I figure it's just a cramp from sleeping on the air mattress and try to change positions to will it away... I try and try and try. No luck. The pain escalates and starts hurting in my stomach. I figure my fetus is dying inside my body and panic. The nearest ER is almost 2 hours away. I'm screaming and bawling and the entire campground wonders what kind of animal is dying and if it's time to shoot it at this point.

My friends are running all over calling doctors and rounding up the boat and I'm still in panic mode. Dry heaving, puking up stomach acid, swallowing cry snot.... We make it to the ER and they tell me I'm probably having gall bladder problems and send us away with a $2800 bill. (I went back to ER a couple days later and found out I ACTUALLY have kidney stones. Freakin Evanston.) Everyone packs up and goes home a day early because of me.

I hate me.

Get in My Belly!!!

2011-08-19T13:42:00.003-06:00

This pretty much sums up why I am not getting maternity pics taken.

This Heifer's Gonna Calf!

2011-06-21T11:05:00.005-06:00

Most of you who read this already know, but for those of you who don't...

IT'S BABY TIME AT THE BODINE'S

We heard the heartbeat yesterday so I figured it was safe to tell EVERYONE. Plus, it's not official until you tell the internet right?!

Cravings?
None. If I could stop throwing up and get that sick taste out of my mouth I'm sure I'd be craving something. It's just not like me to not want to eat. I don't even know who I am anymore. The only thing that is different preference wise is that I used to like my water at room temp. NO ICE. Now I like it ice cold. It's like taking a nice, disturbed sip of Edward Cullen. "What's cooler than bein cool? ICE COLD!! alright, alright, alright alright, alright, alright!" (FYI for those who are over 40: that is a song by Outkast. I know, I know, It's hard to keep up. Just don't worry about it. Occupy your mind with something else. Go try to figure out the DVD player, I dare you. bahaha!)

Emotions?!
On the "boo hoo" scale I think I'm doing very well. Sometimes I cry when I'm hanging my head over the toilet because I don't understand why my fetus hates me so bad. Other than that I've stayed pretty stable. On the "I could shove ice picks in your toenails, cut you with razor blades, and leave you for dead" scale I'm not doing so great. I just figure if I don't end up in prison at night, it's been a good day.

Here's a snippet of the advice we've been given so far:

"Dude, make your wife run and lot and rub aloe vera on her stomach so she doesn't get stretch marks."
-some D-bag Derrick carpools with

"Derrick, remember that milk is just for the baby"
-Chase, my cousin's husband

"I suggest you get a C-Section so that everything stays the same "down there". If you have the baby the other way you'll have shiz leaking out of there all the time"
-a D-bag I have the privilege of working with

(He follows this comment by saying "Hopefully that's not too invasive." Talking about my vagina with someone other than my doctor, invasive?! Pssshhh H-no! I'm totally fine with this. Hey, next time you take a dump let me know and I'll come rub your feet and you can tell me more about this vaginal leakage I'm about to experience, you sickening pig.)

"You can even go waterskiing, if you're careful. It's not the fall that will hurt the baby. You'll hurt the baby when the boat is pulling you out of the water. You'll get power douched."
-Dr. Dibble

To sum up: Pregnancy is Magical.
(That's it, I love it. I'm putting that saying in vinyl above my toilet)

Try not to eat me.

2011-06-10T10:54:00.005-06:00

Have a wonderful weekend everyone
and remember you are all sex panthers to me
Grrr baby... Grrr!

Priceless.

2011-06-03T11:07:00.004-06:00

I've reverted back to cutting my split ends and I'm giving myself a headache.
I decided that I will stop the madness and tell a personal tale.

I'm not a big potty talk person. Sure, I can joke around about how I pee my pants and pee the bed as an adult because it's a fact of my life and rather than be embarrassed about it, I have decided to embrace it. However, when it comes to "taking the Browns to the Superbowl" I'd like to pretend it just doesn't happen. I mean really? Why do our bodies do this? I figure Heavenly Father has a sense of humor that I just don't understand.

For my senior trip I went to Lake Powell for 5 or 6 days with a BFF and her aunt and uncle. If we had to pee we could go in the lake, but if we had to make a nasty we had to ask the aunt and uncle to turn the water on in the boat and then they would all be sitting on the beach while you're in the crapper and they knew EXACTLY what you were doing. My solution? I didn't poop the ENTIRE trip. That takes talent people. My friend was even like, "Uh, you didn't even go to the bathroom the whole time we were there." I was like, "Yeah, I guess I just never had to go." When in reality I lost 5 pounds when I finally made the release. Haha, I can't believe I'm typing all of this! Do you see what my job is doing to me?!

For all Derrick knows I NEVER fart or make number 2. It's been a little tricky to conceal for the last 5ish years, but I'd like to think I've done a stand up job! The real challenge started when the endometriosis came because it makes your body act like it has IBS. What is IBS? It's Irritable Bowel Syndrome. So basically, when it hits you gotta find a toilet like PRONTO or you're scewed. And don't even think about farting to release the pressure or you could shart! What is sharting? It's when you think you're gonna fart and instead you shiz your pants.

Once upon a time we lived in an apartment with only one bathroom. I was making dinner like a good slave... I mean wife (oopsy!) and Derelict was in the shower. Suddenly, a meteor expolded in my stomach and my intestines opened a can of serious whoop-A. I doubled over and weighed my options as fast as I could. A - Go into the bathroom and scar my husband for life with no chance for recovery. B - Try to hold it, drive 5 minutes to the nearest gas station and hope to make it back before Derrick notices I left. The gas station wins! Although, I was not fast enough. The truth came out and I've yet to live it down.

Last week I was having serious stomach issues. I was laying on the lovesack watching a show and decided to let a silent but deadly fart escape from my body. This episode of flatulence probably could have killed a small village. Derrick came downstairs and lifted up the blanket to sit by me and watch the movie. The stench hit his nostrils and he pulled back in disgust. His poor face was priceless! I still crack up every time I think about it. I'm cracking up right now. Good thing the rest of my office is at lunch. It leaves me wondering, why did I wait so long to unleash the beast?

I hope you enjoyed my very long story about pooping and farting.
Until next time.

-The Princess of Phenomenal Flatulence
(my sister is the Queen)

I'm Surrounded By Morons.

2011-05-31T13:28:00.004-06:00

Pet Peeve #582

SAHM Facebook statuses that read:
"Hubby lover buns is away on business for two whole days :( Being a single mom is SOOOO gosh darn stinkin hard!"

I will slap you until you bleed, you stupid idiot women. Yes, women-plural. I see this comment probably bi-weekly. Now call me crazy, but I believe when your husband is away making money for your family that does not qualify you as a single parent. REAL single mothers have to dump their kids in daycare, work at a job or two or three away from home all the live long day, AND make dinner, do dishes, do laundry, go grocery shopping, bathe, etc.

I honestly can't believe people are that freaking stupid.
That's like me saying:
"My new Nikes gave me a blister on my run this morning! As I limped along, I could feel the pioneer spirits guiding me on my journey back to my heated three story home. What a testimony builder!"

I feel a brain anuerysm coming on so, that is all for today.

I'mma Bust a Cap!

2011-05-25T12:58:00.011-06:00

The other morning, while in peaceful slumber, my doorbell rings at 7 AM.

1st thought, "It's probably some chick in the Relief Society."

2nd thought: "Pssshhh. If those beeotches wanna talk to me, they can come back at a decent time."

I'm waiting for the lightning to strike me down, but let's be honest. Church people are the only people who will consistently show up at your door time and time again unexpected and unannounced. I'm just telling it like it is.

I proceed to roll over and capture some more wonderful shut eye, but I hear doors and cupboards slamming. Then, the mind games start.

"Oh shiz. It's a maniac killer/evil robber/menacing rapist. They rang the doorbell to see if anyone was home and then came through the back door when they thought the coast was clear."

After some serious debate, I decide to trek downstairs to see what's going on. First, I have to get dressed. "Hmmm, what should I be wearing when the cops find my mutilated body?" This decision took a shameful amount of time. Much longer than I'm going to admit. I finally settled on some gray sweats and one of Derrick's black zip up hoodies. I pick up my phone, dial 911, position my finger over the green send button, and grab Derrick's gun.

Halfway down the stairs, I rethink the gun because I can't even cock it. The last time I tried my fingers got stuck in the freakin thing and it hurt like a motha! So, as soon as my attacker figures out I have no intention of actually using the gun they'll take it from me and kill my with my own gun. Then, the police will come, trace the gun to my husband and they'll think Derrick killed me... What to do, what to do?

I decide to stick with the gun. It makes me look gangsta.

I slowly make it downstairs and check all rooms, closets, behind furniture, etc. I open the front door and peek out. Well what do you know, I guess it was just the neighbors slamming cupboards and doors. Haha! Don't I feel sheepish.

I walk back upstairs, lock myself in my room - just in case, and go back to sleep until it's time for work.

First thing I google after arriving at work.

Taser.

That's right I am soon to be armed and dangerous. Either with a taser or this cute little gun that I can actually work called "The Pink Lady". So, don't come knocking at my door earlier than 8:00 AM unless you want to suffer the consequences.

Word.

Pee is Fascinating

2011-04-21T15:20:00.015-06:00

Oh Em Gee my job is boring.

I can't take it anymore.
I even read an article the other day and Dr Oz said
it's worse for your health to be
bored than it is to be stressed.
I honeslty can't wait to get knocked up.
It's going to be my golden ticket!

Obviously, my sanity is becoming more and more debatable. I'll give you a little rundown of what my job has been like lately.

About a month ago I took to cutting my split ends all day long. Kind of gross considering that my desk area had constant plethora of 1/2 inch hair pieces floating about, but it killed the time. It probably killed my eyesight too. Then I got a trim. Bye bye gross habit.

Yesterday I had the task of hauling a box, taller than I am, upstairs to our filing room.
The boy who sits by the stairs, (whose calves are twice as thick as my head) turned around, folded his arms, and intently watched me lug the box upstairs. He is a creeper and an absolute douche. I spent the rest of the afternoon contemplating ways to kill him using only office supplies.

Today when I went to the restroom I noticed my pee was a little too yellow.
So, I've been drinking lots of water and going to the bathroom frequently
to watch my urine change colors.
I heart clear pee.
I'll probably pee the bed tonight.

Help me.

The end.

HONEEEEY!!!!!!!

2011-03-30T10:45:00.002-06:00

When I was a youngster my mom and dad would call me honey.

"Honey, rub my feet."

"Will you change your brothers diaper, honey?"

"Honey, get over here, fan my face, and feed me grapes while I watch Young and the Restless."

You see what I mean.

So, when my wee brother started learning names he called me honey. He couldn't get down the stairs all alone, so he would stand at the stairs and scream: HONEEEEYYY, HONEEEEEY!!!!!! I would come running, push him down the stairs, and have a good laugh.

My parents neighbors even call me honey. The name just kind of stuck.

Now, I am about to tell you a sad story. Lately I've been suffering. Every morning I look in the mirror, start to cry, and turn away in disgust.

I've been cursed with...

ADULT ACNE! and FLAKY DISGUSTING SKIN

WAAAHHHH!

I know, I know. I live the. hardest. life. ever.

Since facial death has fallen upon my face I've been frequenting makeupalley.com to find a cure. It turns out honey will be my saving grace.

And the choir sings!!!

I've been slathering this on my face for 15-20 minutes a couple times a week. Then Derrick licks it off while I shout praises to the queen bee and her hive. Hello pre-pubescent skin!

I also use it as a spot treatment for any zits that do happen to pop up. Even yucky chest zits. The next morning they are gone! It's a miracle for sheezy.

If you decide to give this a try you have to use raw honey. None of that crap in the bear bottle. If you have any questions, your Chinese friends at your local health food store should be able to help you out. Have a rice day!

(Yeah that's right. This is all I have to blog about. And I'm not going private. I'm an overreactor and I'm just not that big of a deal yet.)

Private Yay or Private Nay...

2010-12-02T10:45:00.005-07:00

I'm going to give you the story...

Derrick has an ex girlfriend that he broke up
with about 6 or 7 years ago.
She's married with a child now, but apparently

her mom just can't seem to let it go.

She's Derrick's wanna be mother in law.

She has given him a card on his bday every year
since I've known him.

She doesn't send it in the mail because she knows
Derrick's mom will throw it in the

garbage when she sees it is from.

So... how does she remedy this problem?

She goes to his parents house and actually puts it in the mailbox!
How creeptastic is that?!

She also decided to do a little drive by
to deilver our wedding gift.

She probably saw our announcement in the paper and
hid out at our reception the whole night and
then followed us home. It honestly wouldn't even
phase me at this point.

So, the other day I open my Facebook account
and lo and behold the creeper strikes again!

She actually stalked me out on Facebook and sent
me a message asking me to tell Derrick

that she was thinking about
him on his birthday (WOW! That's a shocker!)
and that she hopes he has a great year!

Ummm.. can you say innapropriate and uneccessary?

And then she said that she's so happy he found his perfect match, 'you'.

What the freak is up with the quotations?

Please reference this friends episode:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mUlLX46gss8

Who does she think she is air quoting me like that?

So anyway am I overreacting?
Was I too hasty with the going private thing?
I'd like to go private, but at the same time
it just seems like it will be such a pain!

Oooh maybe I could not go private and just

have cute code names for us...
Like, Derrick could be Pooky Lover Bunz,

I would be Sugar Nipples

(sweet and sassy at the same time!),

and maybe if I birth a boy his code name

could be Mr. Dumps Like a Champ!

I would still put up pictures of us,

blog about recent birthdays,
have friends and family on my sidebar etc.. because
it's not like any of those things could give
away the B family's anonymity! LOLZ

Chances are she doesn't even know I have a blog,
and if she does maybe now she'll get the hint...
or my husband will get kidnapped

and I'll be murdered!

So, what do YOU think?

Any words of wisdom/opinions that anyone can
offer would be great!

Stocked and Skurred for My Babies!

2010-11-30T09:58:00.002-07:00

Um, someone is stockeen me and I'm not
all that comfy with it. :(

I think my stocker has serious baby napping potential.

So, I'm going private fur real.
Leave me your email if you read my blog!
Don't be embarrassed because chances are
that I read your blog too!

Thanks peeps!

I'm It!

2010-10-29T23:32:00.012-06:00

Natty Bo Batty tagged me.

I am to answer 8 questions and then I tag 8 peeps with 8 different questions that I make up. The sad news is that I don't really think I have 8 friends who blog anymore. I probably didn't even have 8 friends to begin with.

Don't feel bad for me.
Who needs friends when I can and totally do
have out loud conversations with

myself on a regular basis?
It's all good!

What is your favorite TV show?

I have two.
Friends and The Office.
I'm not even going to beat around
the bush on that one.
(that's what she said)

What is one thing you would change if you could go back to your high school years?

I guess if I could go back and change something,
I would have been potty trained once and for all!
(It just feels like it's too late to learn now, ya know?!)

REALLY though, I did some pretty stupid things to

hurt friends and family that I wish I could take back,
but I've done my best to make my peace.
You live and you learn.

What is on your Christmas list this year?

Oh Christmas... I've been so excited all year long!
Why? I have no idea.

I can't even put up a Christmas tree this year
because our apartment is so stupid and tiny.
I'm still excited though!

All I've wanted for months and months is a vacation,
but it turns out I married a money nazi!
No vacay for you!
So, I'll be good with clothes that
I won't be able fit into sooner than later
because of my expanding belly.

NOT AN ANNOUNCEMENT

Just prepping myself.

Name something that always makes you happy.

Twilight!!!
It's like porno for my emotions.
Not really. I'm just trying to fit in!

My real answer is...
Food, for sure.
I'm talkin the good stuff.
None of this candy schmandy crap.
To be honest I'm more excited for
Thanksgiving than Christmas.

Nothing says I want to make you happy more than a
plump hamburger laden with juicy bacon and a side

of fat squishy fries waiting to be

immersed in fry sauce.

Nothing.

If you won a billion dollars what would you do with it?

I would probably croak before I got to

spend a dime of it.
That just seems to be the way things go.

But just in case I didn't...
I would buy lots and lots of houses,

flying lessons, and a plane.
Then I would travel my butt off with Derelict!
Houses on beaches, cabins in the mountains,

a hut in Africa, a castle in India

a teepee on the reservation...
You name it, I bought it!

If you had three wishes, what would you wish for?

1. That no one would ever go hungry.

2. To be surrounded by stupid people no more!

3. To have a happy family forever.

What is your favorite food in the whole wide world?

I've been stuck on this question for 20 minutes and counting....

Ding ding ding!!!

My desk is covered in drool. It's a tie between
that burger I just had a love affair with in question
four, sushi, and Costa Vida sweet pork.

If you could go anywhere in the world, all expenses paid...
Where would you go?

Africa!
I have a lion fetish.
One could eat me and I wouldn't even be mad.

I doubt anyone will do this, BUT...
I tag
Brittni, Angela, Kim C., Keri A., Cheyanne,
Shelsie, Chelsea, and Kami L.

Your new questions are:

What is your most embarrassing moment?

Who, what, where, when, and how was your first kiss?

What is your favorite movie?

If you only had 24 hours left to live, how would you spend it?

What is your favorite thing to do to relax?

What is your biggest pet peeve?

Do you have a "list"
(you know, a hibbity dibbity one)
If so, who is on it?

What is something that always makes you happy?

Have fun guys!

Let Me Just Crawl in a Hole and Die

2010-10-25T12:18:00.020-06:00

I thought my blog was kind of depressing last time.
So, I thought I'd give you something to point and laugh at today.

Embarrassing Moment #213

I'm in 4th-ish grade.
I'm awkward and skinny and snotty nosed.
All that is pretty much the same

except for the skinny part.

My mom signs me up for a modeling class,
maybe she thought it would boost my self esteem.
Ok.

All the pretty girls I dance with are there.
Insecurity steps up to the plate.
and it is a bad MoFO.
So bad that I'm too afraid to ask if I can use the

restroom because peeing is gross.
I don't want the pretty girls to know I urinate!

The model teacher asks me to get up and
practice the model walk.
Unfortunately for me, in order to

walk this walk you CAN'T have your hand

over your privates AND you have to SEPARATE
your legs from each other.

Oh yeah, and remember skorts?
I'm wearing one.
It's not even a concealing color.
It's denim.

I take step one,
I'm a supermodel!

Step two,
Legs are trembling...

Step three,
Pee is trickling down the legs...

Step four,
My bladder *EXPLODES*

I freeze, look down,
and pray that it will stop.
I guess I'm just not that lucky.

The model teacher runs to me and
rushes me to the bathroom.

I lock myself in the stall and cry
like a baby who still pees her pants.

Good thing I learned my lesson...
BAAAAhaha!
Not even close.
I still pee my pants.
It's been a couple years though!
I'm keepin my fingers crossed!!
(and my legs)

Embarrassing Moment #578

New Years Day 2006

I'm obsessed with DDR.
If you don't know what DDR is you're lame
and I shouldn't even explain, but I will.
DDR stands for
Dance Dance Revolution
**cough*loser*cough**

Fist pump to everyone who knew
what I was abbreviating!

Anyway the night before we had a rockin
80's party in L-town.

I stayed at the house we partied at with my
BFF Kelsey. The next morning I bust my DDR
mats out of my trunk for a little competition.
Yes, I kept them in my trunk.
Boooya! Chest Bump!

This home we stayed at is housed by many boys.
I know, I know, I'm a sinner!

All I had was my 80's outfit and it wasn't
DDR comp material, so I borrowed
some shorts from one of the fellas.

Let the dancing begin!!!

I'm rockin out to one of my fave songs
when two boys who don't live there show up.
I pay them no attention because I'm in the zone.

Prepare to judge me harshly.

It should be noted that at this time
in my life I wasn't big on wearing underwear?!
Don't ask me why!!

I blame it dancing and massage school.
You could never wear undies with tights
and spandex AND I had to get naked
everyday at school and underwear
was just one more thing to put on
and take off.

One of the boys who shows

up has a video camera rolling.
The other boy runs over pulls on my shorts and...
HOLY SHIZ, MOTHER FRICK

I've been depansted!!!!

And I'm still jumping...

my shorts are down to my ankles and
my white booty is bouncing for all to see.

I still thank my lucky stars that everyone in the room

was sitting behind me instead of in front of me.

I made sure the video was destroyed,

but just in case I did not name names on purpose.

So there's no need to go looking for it

OK?! Ok.

About To Be Estrogen Free!!!

2010-10-08T13:07:00.005-06:00

Remember this post?
Yeah. It did me in.

This post will probably be TMI for some of you,
but I'm having a pity party so deal with it.

I had surgery last Friday on my woman parts.
They found endometriosis.
Or in my gyno's words
"A bunch of shit. This is really shitty. Shit, shit, shit."
I love him.

So basically if I ever want kids I have to start
making them today.
OR
I can go on a shot that will cause my body to
go through a temporary menopause.

I'm getting the shot.
3 months min
6 months max

Next time I blog I'll probably be doing it in a pool of
sweat and tears because I just had my first
hot flash and I'm only 24.

It gets better.
After the shot I start making babies.

After the first baby is born
I get back on the wagon to make another one.

No time inbetween.
And I repeat that until I'm a

tubbalard on meds,

with a minivan, and have my
desired amount of mouths to feed
and butts to change.

AND THEN
I get to have a hysterectomy.

Derrick will probably leave me.

I'm already certifiable.
They'll find me one day;
diapers all around me, crap up my arms
and throw up in my hair, with a kid attached
having a suckle of my zipple.
I'll be crying hysterically
and they'll take me away and put me
in an institution.

So say goodbye to the Ashley you knew.

Welcome the new Ashley who has a
cheesebuger at every meal to eat away her
depressed menopausal, soon to be prego
all the time, and then
without a uterus feelings.

The end.

PS - Don't call the WAAAHHmbulance on me

I know things could be worse, but
I just feel like being a baby.

Um... Yum

2010-09-29T12:30:00.006-06:00

I made BOMB Cheesecake Factory Salads a while ago.
I'm using the restaurant picture because
I don't take pictures of my
food. I lived in a basement with no light.
That's right people I said LIGHT
it's important.

(for all you "pro" photographers with a dslr, yeah I'm talking to you, you can't just point it at people, click the button, photoshop the pic to death, and say you have a business because you bought a fancy camera. Sorry to crush your perverted dreams of snapping pics of naked babies with headband flowers as big as Dolly Parton's woohoos...)

Now, now that rant wasn't meant to offend anyone that I love.

I was screwed by someone with a fancy camera

and photoshop once and because

it was an unwilling screw, I have issues.

Moving on!!!

Cheesecake Factory Barbecue Ranch Chicken Salads

Ingredients:
1 Rotisserie chicken
1 Cup of your fave bbq sauce
Romaine Lettuce
Frozen Corn thawed
Cucumber slices
1 can black beans rinsed and drained
Avacado chunks or slices
Ranch Dressing
bbq sauce
Fried onion strings

I used this recipe for my onion strings
http://thepioneerwoman.com/cooking/2008/03/onion-strings-oh-yeah-baby/

Shred chicken and mix with 1 cup bbq sauce.
Put lettuce on a plate and top with corn, cucumber,
black beans, avacado, and shredded chicken.
For the dressing mix equal parts of bbq sauce and ranch
or if that sounds sick to you, just use plain ranch.
Top salad with dressing and onion strings and
prepare to stuff your face with goodness!

A Ghost, In the Kitchen, With an AntiKnockUpressant!!

2010-08-12T12:30:00.002-06:00

Ummm ok this is gonna be weird, but I just gotta get it out there.

This is my birth control

Yes it still works, no I'm not pregnant.

BUT see how the last Monday of the month is missing...

Yeah that's how I found it on Monday night.

Weird???

And notice, when I take out a pill the clear plastic is

dented, but there is no dent in the plastic

on the missing Monday.

Now there is no logical explination for this that I can
even fathom.

So here's what I've come up with...

1. Someone stole it.
Not likely, but I guess it could happen.
Maybe someone thought it was
like a morning after pill

2. It's a sign from above.
I'm supposed to skip that pill, become a
baby mama to Derrick,
and a boob slave to my posterity, but
you'd think if that were the case it would just
happen on it's own.
Like Mary the virgin child...
except it'd be like
Ashley the married skank

3. A ghost took it.
which would be pointless because
don't girl ghosts know they can't get
pregnant because boy ghosts have
"Holloweenies"
HAHAHA!
(yeah it's a Halloween joke we used to tell in

high school and it just never gets old.)

This is the one I'm sticking with.
because I believe in ghosts and
I think the evil ones are out to destroy my life.

So when I go to the pharmacist begging him for
a free Monday pill what story makes me
sound the least crazy?

1...2... or 3...
We shall see!

The wheels is spinning

2010-07-16T10:58:00.007-06:00

I've had a couple requests to come alive

in blogland and my boss

is gone today, so here I am.

Thoughts...

My new last name could sound kind of hispanic.
Plurally prounounced: Bow/deen/ez
If Derrick ever makes me get a van

I'll make it an Astro and
I'm putting "Bodines" gold vinyl on my rear window.
And when my possy sees it, they'll be like
"Ay!! There go da Bowdeenez!
Mucho love for da Bowdeenez!!!"

That's right you mess with one of us

and you're messin with us all.

I HATE my fake laugh.
Every time I do it, I cringe.
I need a new one.
Or I could just be a weeotch and not
laugh when I really don't think something is funny
What do you think?
I just usually do it at work.
Is it more important to keep up the PR or just be me?

Old Navy bites the weenie
I went there the other day and I swear
they could make such cute clothes, but then the

designers are like
nah... this is too cute
let's throw this unicorn striped ruffle on it and
then it will be all sensually subliminal
because the ruffles make it look
like the unicorns are doing it.

I only say that because that's how I think

clothing designers think.
At least they'll get some recognition with that kind of thinking
because only people who are on People Of Walmart
will actually buy that crap.

Speaking of Walmart
almost every time I go there I get called Ma'am
or stalked by uncaucasian
(not being racist, just stating the facts)
college kids until they avert their eyes

from my lovely lady lumps (aka private parts)

and see a ring.
Ugh! It's like I'm in that Britney Spears song
I'm Not a Girl, Not yet a Woman
but it's more like
I'm not A-vailable, Not yet a Ma'am
Ya feel me?

Speaking of Music...
Tonight I'm going to a Mo-Tab Pioneer concert.
We're taking out lighters,
My sister isn't going to wear a bra,
and I'm going to throw my G bottoms on
stage!!! WOO, PANTIES!!!!
Yeah, I might go to hell for that,
but so are you because

A - that made you smile or B - you're judging me.
So, see ya there!
Have a good one!

LMAO

2010-04-05T11:52:00.007-06:00

So, I came to work today and it's Monday.
Woot! Not.

But then my friend who sits by me decided to tell me

a story, and it made my day.
I'll share it with you.

So, my friend at work has some friends who have some friends.
And they have a son who is special needs.
We'll call him John.

John is about 28 years old and decided recently that he
wants to live on his own.
So he got an apartment close to his family and he's been there
for about a month.

On St. Patricks Day he called his dad FRANTIC!!!

John: "Dad!! Dad, you have to come over right now!"

Dad: "Why, what's going on?"

John: "There's a troll in my house and he's gonna get me!! Leave work right now, you have to come over!!"

Dad: "I can't leave work for two hours, so you're just going to have to wait."

Dad is thinking someone is probably just dressed up like a leprechaun outside or something.

So then John calls his sister and says, "You HAVE to have dad come over to my house to get rid of this troll!"

Dad calls back and says,

"John, you're just going to have to wait for two hours."

So John waits.

Dad gets there and John races him to his room.
Dad sees that John has put everything he could in front of the closet.
His dresser, his kitchen table and chairs, books... everything.

He can hear something in there, so he starts
moving all of the stuff out of the way.

He opens the door and there's a midget in the closet!!!

He was a door knocker for the Jehovah's Witnesses.

So when John opened the door to this poor midget, he picked him up and shoved him into his closet.

Talk about a freakin crack up.
:)

Dear Body, I'm sorry.

2010-03-18T09:50:00.008-06:00

I'm a failure.

I made it Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday...

Thursday I got vertigo.

That was a freakin trip.

I got back on track and rocked it on

Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.

Monday came and I decided that would be my day off.

Tuesday came and I worked out that morning, but

that afternoon the devil came to my work.

Yes the devil, the root of all evil.

Thin Mint Girl Scout Cookies.

I ate half a box in less than an hour.

AND I haven't exercised for a week and two days.

AND I had a chocolate brownie with marshmallows

and chocolate frosting on top this morning for breakfast.

My mom made them for Derrick the other day

and he tried to hide them from me,

but I just couldn't resist!

So, I'm cursing myself.

This Boo lady will haunt my dreams

until I can get my fat butt out of bed

in the mornings.

Boooo!!! BOOOO!!!!

Diet Coke and a Pizza Please?!

2010-03-03T12:20:00.003-07:00

I'm sick of sitting down and having my G's create that weird fat roll, muffin top, disgusting, flabby, jiggly, pudge thing.

I've tried to embrace it, but there comes a time in everyone's life when you must say goodbye to something you've become comfortable with. So comfortable, you've stroked it and petted it and loved it and just held on to it for years.

It's time to abandon the chubby wagon.

So, the last two mornings I've been doing Slim in 6.
With the one and only Debbie Siebers.

I will be waking up to this face for the next 6 weeks.

Doesn't she just look so cheery?!

Well, she's a mental workout beeotch.

During the pushup part she turns her head and smiles at the camera for ALL of them.

You guys are probably like "Oh big whoop you've been exercising for two days."

Yeah?! Well it is a big whoop to me. I've tried to start this program like 10 times and I'll do it the first day and then the next day I walk around like Brian Mitchell will be if he ever gets to prison and Big Bubba finds him. So, after the first day.... I quit.

Seriously I'm only on the first DVD (it's like 30 minutes) and I'm so sore it hurts to breathe.

It took me at least 10 minutes to walk from my car into work today.

And I just dropped the mail on the floor and had to bend down to pick it up. HAHA. I am so glad no one had to watch that. Talk about scarred for life.

And my poor landlords probably wonder what the crap is going on down in my apartment because I have to seriously grunt like the macho men do to get myself to do the next lunge without falling over. And the next. And the next.

But the good news is

I AM ON DAY NUMBER 2 PEOPLE!

And if I can make it to day number 2 I can do anything.

So, here is my farewell to fat.

Goodbye fat, you suck.

And if all else fails and I'm a lumpy butt for life, this will be my theme song.

Picture This...

2010-02-01T10:32:00.002-07:00

It's Saturday
The first day you get to sleep in all week.
You're a massage therapist.
You have to leave for work at 9:00.
You let yourself sleep until 8:30.

You brush your teeth.
Put on some deoderant.
Get dressed in your so-so clothes because
you don't want to get your nice ones dirty.
Run a brush through your second day hair.
Put on some tinted moisturizer
and a little mascara and a little lipgloss.
And you're out the door.

You get to work and your boss comes down.

He says, "Hey we've got camera crews and professional actors coming this morning to film a commercial. What's your schedule looking like?"

You say, "Well, we have an hour break from 11-12."

He says, "Good we'll have them come down to film then."

You say, "Okie doke."

11:00 rolls around.
The camera crew shows up.
There are no actors with them.

The crew grabs some random customers
and asks them to be in the commercial
as clients in the spa.
They are kind enough to say ok.

The crew grabs you and says,
"Ok, you're going to be giving them the massages."

You say, "What is this commercial for?"

They say, "We'll be airing it all over Utah for the next month and a half."

You remember how craptacular you look today
and realize your fugly face is going
to be broadcast all over the state.
And you cry.

The end.

It's dramatic, but less ghetto

2010-01-27T15:36:00.002-07:00

Derrick's bro showed me this movie a while ago.

It's so enlightening!

Peace & Blessings!!

Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma, Ma, Mum, Mommy

2010-01-22T14:23:00.008-07:00

I don't want kids until I go on many many vacations

that I wouldn't be able to take if I had snotty nosed

back talking little shiz heads running around.

(kinda looks like Derrick huh?!)

I'm just trying to be real.
Don't give me your judgemental
critical crap about how I'm being selfish &
about how children are the
greatest blessing that you will
ever experience in this lifetime.

Until I have my own kids

I won't believe you, so you can shut it.

Because I've seen it all.
There are 5 kids in my family.
I'm surprised we are all still alive.

I've also been to Wal-Mart and sacrament meeting &
I believe those two environments
are about the best birth control available.

Better than the pill by far.
I have to remember to take a pill.

It takes a lot to forget
scenes of mothers who have become deaf

to the screams of their own children.

Mothers with perma smiles plastered

on their paint canvas faces,

the dark circles under their eyes so caked

in makeup that you need a putty knife scrape it all off.

All for the sake of "being perfect"

and fitting in at church.

Mothers who eventually lose it because they just
found out their eldest is in jail,
the middle just caught
her and the hubs doing the hibbidy dibbity,
and their youngest just spewed red
Kool-Aid and cheerios on the new carpet!

(After this post I will miraculously become
big with child because of my blasphemy
toward the mother/child relationship.)

So anyway I would like to one day take a

long road trip up and down the west coast.

And when I get to Washington

this is where I'm staying.

Treehouse Point!
It's a little bed and breakfast.
Imagine... Swaying in a treehouse
suspended over a rushing river in the
middle of a forest during a
massive thunderstorm.

I know it sounds crazy,
but at least it would be fun.

Maybe one day when I've completely
lost it sqeezing something the size of a
grapefruit out of my nostril will
appeal to me as much as my cute
litte treehouse vacation.

Stickin' it to the Man

2010-01-15T16:51:00.003-07:00

I took a break from blogging.

It can just be so darn detrimental sometimes!

I put myself out there and run the risk of

being made fun of for trying to astoud you

with my quick wit and dazzling intellect.

And I run the risk of not getting enough

comments to confirm my awesomeness and

popularity. Somtimes it's just too tough for

my sensitive spirit to endure sometimes.

I needed to take a step back, examine my life and my

priorities and decide if blogging truly has a place in my life.

NOT!!!

I just got sick of it.

The end.

I know. I'm a rebel freak.

I haven't even seen New Moon yet.

(Can you even imagine???!!)

The last few weeks at work have been unbearably

boring, so I'm back on the wagon.

A smidgen of my wasted time will be devoted

to blogging every once in a while, and

what better way to do that than

by journaling for the world to see?

Increasing my spiritual knowledge makes me yawn.

Overacheiving and asking for more work is for butt kissers.

I've already printed out every recipe known to man.

If you refer to the post below I can only handle

Facebook for so long...

I can't read books because I don't "look" busy.

I'm done with my work in about 2 hours

& I'm here for 9.

Therefore, I shall blog.

Go ahead and pay me for that, SUCKERS!

Today I will perform an act of service & post a recipe.

Slow Cooker Chicken and Dumplings

Not that good looking, but delicious.
Like a teenager with a hilarious personality,
but a gross zitty face.

You can get past it.

Ingredients
4 Boneless Skinless Chicken Breast Halves
2 Tablespoons Butter
2 (10.75 oz) Cans Cream of Chicken Soup
3/4 can of Chicken Broth
1 Onion Finely Diced
1 (10 oz Package Refrigerated Biscuit Dough
torn into pieces
1 tsp Cumin
1 tsp Poultry Seasoning
1/2 tsp Pepper
2 tsp Parsley

Directions
1. Place chicken, butter, cream of chicken soup, and onion in a slow cooker and pour chicken broth on the top.
2. Cover and cook for 6 hours on high. About 2 hours before serving, place the torn biscuit dough in the slow cooker.

Serve with cooked veggies. Corn, carrots, broccoli, peas.
Just whatever gets you excited.

Bon Appetit!

So Frusterateen!!

2009-10-08T09:56:00.006-06:00

I can't take it anymore. Seriously.

It's PUMPKIN people

not punkin, or pumkin.

So all you bakers and carvers and decorators on Facebook
did not really do anything that spectacular because
my 7 year old nephew can spell better than you can.

Ugh.

Either my work needs to block Facebook again or they need to get a spell check
because I might have a brain aneurysm over this crap one day.

P.S. I'm picking up wedding pics today
so I'll actually have something to blog about!
Woot woot!

Branded... a Skank

2009-08-25T08:58:00.010-06:00

Derrick and I went through the temple on Saturday.

(did anyone else feel the earth shake?)

Yay! We loved it and everyone who came to support us!

It was a way good day EXCEPT...

Yeah, yeah, I know what you're thinking.

I've heard it all, and got all the looks.

But it really is a curling iron burn. I did it on Friday.

And it's Tuesday and I still look like a hooker.

I'm going to start telling people that I had a dream I was doing it with Edward Cullen and I woke up with the mark on my neck and then I'll rub my arms like I have the chills.

And then I'll squeal

"AHHH GO TEAM EDWARD!!"

The poor ladies who helped me through the temple...

I might as well have tattooed my forehead.

I'M A FORNICATOR

I had to go purchase my G's and my temple dress and stuff with that on my neck.

Like I said, I got some looks.

Acutally IT got some looks.

It's like I don't have eyes anymore.

I can only imagine what they were thinking.

"She has no business in garments."

"Does she NOT know what "Hazard in the Horizontal" means?"

"She must be from Tremonton."

"It figures, she's not even wearing a CTR ring or a WWJD bracelet!"

"What the flippin fetch is THAT harlot doing in THIS store?"

I'm dying!! I hope it goes away.

I was bored Sunday waiting for Derrick so I was taking some pics in my car.

In this one I was trying to give a serious emphasis.

And that look, ladies and gentleman, is the EXACT eyes bugging out of the skull, tight lipped, veins bulging out of the neck look that I used to get from my mother when I was in trouble.

Scary huh?! I do need the lips a little tighter

:( My poor kids.

Don't Drop the Soap!

2009-08-24T14:15:00.002-06:00

I've been having a moment of silence
for the stressed sickly comatose state of my brain.

My friends were really worried about it
so they threw me a thermometer theme party!

And these thermometers were extreme!

Instead of having one round part on the bottom like this....

The theremometers had two round ends and they were all turned upside down.
I know it sounds kind of weird, but I just kind of went with it.

I guess they were feeling bad for my sick stressed out brain
so I got double the thermometer power!

And we had EVERYTHING thermometer.

Thermometer balloons, thermometer straws, a thermometer cake,
I even had a veil with two headed thermometer sequins all over it!

Talk about good times.
I'm feeling much better!

They called Derrick and asked both of us Q's about each other and for every one I got wrong I had to chew a HUGE piece of bubble gum.

Derrick thought it was hilarious so he kept giving off the wall answers so I would get them wrong. Just for that. I'm wearing my lingerie over my G's on our honeymoon. And then when he acts like it isn't hot I'm locking myself in the bathroom and calling my mom.

Haha, who's laughing now, chump?!

And then a very sweet couple we know threw us a Couples Shower!

This is the only pic I have.

The guys we invited were kind of freaked out about it,

(especially my dad)
but it turned out to be way really awesome freaking fun blast!

We got lots of marital advice.

One of the best ones was about fighting naked.

It turned into this big joke and I don't think

Derrick's parents thought it was very funny.

They had the whole unapproving/awkward laugh goin on.

I know some couples who fight for weeks.... Ew.

And THEN Derrick's Mom and his sisters threw me a shower

and my sisters threw me another shower!

Here's a pictorial tribute to them both.

So, lots of showers means lots of

presents, laughing, shrieking out, awkward silences, hugs, pics, perma smiles...

Gotta love it. :)

Hey Everybody, Come See How Good I Look!

2009-07-13T15:20:00.011-06:00

I know you probably need a pace maker now because
you almost died over how hot we are.

It's tough being dead sexy.

I have to give Tina some credit too.
She's freakin awesome
Check out her blog here

I guess I'm a zero cow wife.

2009-07-08T12:14:00.009-06:00

Place

Flowers

Shoes

Honeymoon

And that's about all we've got set in stone folks.

We've changed reception spots thee times.

Cried like a million times.

Changed photographers twice

AND

Farmed like 10 cold sores.

Why? I'll tell you why.

Freakin A stupid sheep.

Manure flicking cows.

And filthy, filthy swine.

Oh yeah.

We accidently set our wedding day for August 29th.

The Saturday of the Box Elder County Fair.

Dun, Dun, Dun...

Cows are taking precedence over our eternal union.

Maybe it's a sign.

I'm being forced to forfeit everything because all the people my parents invite from Treetown won't come because they'll be too busy getting cancer from breathing in the Carni's cigarrette smoke, playing in animal feces, and inhaling deep fried fair food.

I can't blame them for the food part. We are still getting married the 29th because our honeymoon is booked and so we will still be having a dinner with family and friends and I've seriously contemplated having the wedding dinner at the fair.

How white trash/awesome would that be?!!!

So I'm thinking the reception will be held on September 12th.

Think y'all can pencil that in?

Or is there hay to hauled and hogs to be fed?

Or is it the Bear River Football Homecoming Game?

Dudes. Don't forget to dig in your closet for your nice pants with only 2 poop stains on them and I won't make you wear a black tie. Just wash that boogery loogie stained handkerchief around your neck and put on your black cowboy hat. You'll exude class. Or you could wear your old football jersey or letterman's jacket. You know you want to so just do it. I'm giving you the excuse.

Ladies. Make sure to try to outdo the bride (me) in looks. Seriously because EVERYONE will remember what you looked like walkin through that line and if you aren't fresh you can kiss your good reputation at the salon goodbye. So don't eat for two days, hike your G's up to your boobs, put on your tightest shortest dress, and make your hair HUGER than normal. You want squirrels to be able to hide out and make babies in there.

"I Wanna Lie on the Beach and Eat Hot Dogs. That's All I've Ever Wanted."

2009-06-30T09:01:00.009-06:00

Today when I got to work and decided to

be productive I took the

"Which character are you most like on The Office Quiz"

on Facebook.

I'm Kevin

Then I wanted to let people know that I am Kevin so I'm diggin all over in my purse looking for my phone and I've got nothin. Go out to search my car and nothin.

I come back into work and decide to call it just to make sure.

And suddenly I feel this strange vibration on the left side of my chest.

Yup, it was in my bra.

"Wait, back up. Do you think that I'm retarded?"

I Need an Elephant Tranquilizer

2009-06-26T11:05:00.005-06:00

ATTENTION ALL SINGLES

IF YOU EVER GET MARRIED...

ELOPE.

I've turned into the most ornery person I know.

I'm like Mrs. Jumbo when she gets pissed.

And my dependency on Pepsi is growing. So, who knows?!

Maybe I will turn into Mrs Jumbo.

Don't cross me or I'll take you down and my fat butt is going right on your head.

Yo Homie, Where You At?!

2009-06-23T10:49:00.006-06:00

Here's tha deal yo. I was gonna hook y'all
up PHAT with some a dem engagement pics,
know what I'm sayin,
but we bounced and got a new photographer.

So dis post won't be flashy
and all dat, but if you want an invite to
da dopest wedding around L-Town
hit me back with your address
ya heard?!

flutterby_501 at hotmail dot com

Peace and Love

{Yes, I'm still white. I just started typing and the words started to flow. I can roll with anybody.}

Overreacting? I Don't Think So.

2009-06-01T15:02:00.007-06:00

Stuff I Need Before the Big Funeral

{I mean wedding. Haha Oopsy}

1. A total body reconstruction.
Complete with a fantastic booty, perky breasts, and a waist smaller than
the "thing" that men who drive big trucks are compensating for.

2. Crack Cocaine

3. A mom and a mother in law who aren't
on two completely different ends of the spectrum
{it's not that I don't love you, you just couldn't be more different.}

4. A wedding coordinator who has her shiz together.
Really. There's about to be a smack down and we
aren't even that far into it.

5. A couple stiff drinks.

6. A cheap, yet exotic, honeymoon to fall into my lap.

7. A magical cure for cold sores from the Herepes Fairy

8. A year supply of Xanax.

The "Grand" Engagement

2009-05-28T12:16:00.000-06:00

Day One

We got off work and went to eat at the best China place on the planet!

Then we started driving...
I couldn't stay awake fer nothin!
I think Derelict was feeling the same way too, so we stopped
in the Fillmore Beaver area and got a hotel.
And that was day one.

Day Two
We wake up way too early and start driving some more.

And then "in the twinkling of an eye"
We were at Kolob Canyon of Zions National Park.

Not much to do here, but drive. It's beautiful though.
Even Derrick can appreciate it's natural beauty.

Here he is... touching the butt crack.

After Kolob Canyon we drove down to Zions

and had lunchy at Oscar's Cafe.

It was so stinkin cute there!

We got some awesome sandwhiches with sweet potato french fries.

I was in heaven.

Then we got ready to go on the scariest/longest hike of my life.

Here I am about to pee my pants cuz we are going to climb to

the top of that freakin mountain.

I got whooping cough a few years ago and I would cough so hard
that I would throw up. Like, with no warning.

One time I was driving in crazy traffic in Orem to get my oil changed. It was seriously taking me a half hour to drive 10 miles.

I started coughing and

!!BLECH!!

Puked all over myself.

Needless to say, I was pissed.

Anyway ever since then, when I reach the point of overexertion

I dry heave like crazy.

So... here we are about an hour into the hike

after a massive dry heave spell.

This hike is nuts.

You get to the point where the drop offs are so crazy that they have a

chain going up the rest of the mountain that you can hang on to.

Grown men have gone off of the cliffs and fallen

over a thousand feet.

And I saw people with five year olds doing this hike.

What is wrong with people!

We finally made it to the top!

It was worth it, but I won't be doing it again for a

long freakin time.

We saw this butterfly on our hike down.

We were hammered so we only hiked around a little bit more.

It was a fun day.

Day 3

We woke up way too early again and

we made it to the Grand Canyon.

We went to a place in the trees

and that's where Derrick proposed.

Our Sacred Grove

It was perfect. He got down on one knee, I said yes,

we hugged, I jumped up down like a little girl,

we made out in the great outdoors,

text everyone and their dog, took some more pics,

drove through Zions one more time,

and headed home on Monday morning!

Bring on the wedding planning Madness!!!

I've Been Knocked Up.

2009-05-27T11:51:00.000-06:00

Yup, I can't suck it in anymore.

My hands are kind of in the way.

I thought it would add emphasis, but it really just covers it up.

We couldn't be more excited to be having a little bundle of joy!

And if you look really closely on that left hand you'll see...

Baaaaaah!

We're Engaged!!

{I'm not really prego. I just ate a HUGE burrito.}

Stay tuned for the trip/engagement deets

I'm Freakin Out Man

2009-05-22T14:27:00.012-06:00

K, I'm going on a mini personal vaca tonight

and I haven't even packed.

I get off work at 6:00 and I take my lunch at 3:00

so for lunch I am packing.

I haven't packed because
I have no idea where I am going,
So I have no idea what the crap to pack.

Derrick told me to tell all my jobs that I can't work this weekend
and to pack 3 or 4 changes of clothes and that
he will drive all night tonight and when I wake up tomorrow
we will have arrived at our destination.
That's all the info I have.

Where are we going?!

I'll go total granola on his A
no razor =
braided armpit hair=
never going surprise camping again. Ever.
Can you just picture me here?

Posing for pics, Sipping Coladas,

Sucking my guts in so hard that my

eyes are about to explode out of my head.

Complete Bliss.

Ah, home sweet home for Ho Bags like me.

Huh Nat?! :)

I think he plans on knocking me out

because there's no way I'm going to be able to sleep.

And if he plans on knocking me out... I could get left for dead.

If my body is ever found,

my only request is that someone sings

"Another One Bites the Dust" at my funeral.

I love and will miss you all.

(Even those of you who "hate" me, but read my blog anyway)

Funniest Ever

2009-05-11T08:47:00.005-06:00

I could watch this everyday and never get tired of it.

Plus the one totally looks and acts like Derrick which makes it even better.

Happy Mothers Day!

"Say Something Crazy...Like You're Wearing Ladies Underwear"

2009-05-07T16:25:00.006-06:00

Today is a monumental day. In my almost 4 years experience as a massage therapist I have never seen what I saw today.

This guy came in for an hour massage. Then after about 20 minutes he said he was very impressed and wanted to know if he could extend his massage to 90 minutes.
So I thought, well since I have extra time I'll work on his glutes a.k.a booty.
{Don't judge me. It's not like I rub the butt cleavage. Just the fleshy cheeky part.}

So I go to undrape one butt cheek and low and behold the dude is wearing black meshy see through bikini underwear! It was almost a thong.

I could barely control the peals of laughter that were about to make my gut rupture.

:) It was a good day.

I'm Ready for My Spankings!

2009-05-01T13:26:00.003-06:00

It's My BIRTHDAY!!!

I have a totally awesome day planned.

I'm working at one job from 8-6

And then I'm working at another job from
7-whenever people stop coming in for massages!

BAH!!

I can't even handle it.

So anyway I need 23 good hard smacks on the bum today.

Not so hard that it makes my butt swollen so I can't fit in my pants,
but hard enough that I giggle cuz it stings a little.

Happy You're Underappreciated and We Know it Day!

2009-04-24T12:00:00.000-06:00

Yup that was yesterday... Actually it was on Wednesday, but my bosses forgot so I got appreciated yesterday instead.

I'll sheepishly admit that I get excited for this day.
Why?
I'll tell you why.

I print off a paper for a guy they other day and he says.
"Umm this paper you cut is too big to fit in this plastic holder"

As I look at the holder I can see about a centimeter of the width of the paper is sticking out.
I look down at my pants...
Oh no! When I walked my A over to his office to deliver the paper I can see that I've forgotten to put on my handy dandy Professional Administrative Assistant Tool Belt.

My response?
"Oh. Well then trim it."
And I walk away.

I get yelled after
"What you want ME to cut it MYSELF?"
And he was dead serious.

Or one of my personal favorite conversations with men I've seen everyday for the last 2 and 1/2 years and by strangers. Held at least once a week.
Hmm, there's the secretary. Ahh I can see she doesn't have on a wedding ring.
Total conversation starter.
Here's what I'll do to break the ice.
Hold up the left hand and wiggle or point to the ring finger and raise the eyebrows.
She'll know what I'm talkin about.

I'll usually raise the eyebrows back.

Then they say. "I can see you don't have a ring on your finger"

And I'll say "Yup you're right"
Freakin genius

Then they say "Well what's the problem?

And I'll smile way fake and say "I dunno it just hasn't happened yet"
It's because I'm bipolar ok?

Then they say "Well, if it were me I woulda done it a long time ago"

And I say"Ahh, well that's sweet"
Yeah? If it were you, you would have been smothered by a pillow and rotting in your grave by now. What you think about that?

The conversation can then end or some people have the audacity to push it further.
Like talking to my boyfriend's dad about why it hasn't happened yet...
No joke.
(hang head in embarrassment)

What will people talk to me about after I get married?
Probably my empty uterus.

I CAN"T WAIT!!!

Also...

The endless telemarketing calls, Lying to people who my bosses don't want to talk to on the phone, Pretending to have a happy face when I really want to rip someones head off, Decorating the 10 foot tall Charlie Brown Christmas tree year after year, The countless brain cells I've lost doing mind numbing filing, copy making, enetering numbers, and pretending to look busy.

What makes up for all this and more?

Beautiful Flowers
Lunch at Cafe Sabor on Wednesday
Lunch at the Bluebird on Thursday
A cool crisp Pepsi.

Ahh the Good life...

I'll Claw Your Eyes out Beeotch

2009-04-03T17:55:00.003-06:00

I'm going to conference this weekend.

It's supposed to be interesting this time.

I heard all the homo's are flying in from Cali.

I wasn't too worried about those limp wrists holding pistols and knives and what not.

BUT...

Then I remembered what butch lesiban chicks look like.

A Movie and Somethin to Munch On

2009-03-23T13:58:00.006-06:00

The Boy in the Striped Pajamas

Wow.

That's really all I can say about this movie.

Both of you who read my blog need to watch this.

It will make you cry and feel like a selfish brat.

And K-Dawg gave me a recipe that's just too good not to share.

Chicken Parmesan

3-4 Chicken Breasts

1 Cup Flour

1 tsp Salt

1/2 tsp Pepper

1-2 Eggs

1 Cup Seasoned Bread Crumbs

1/2 Cup Grated Parmesan Cheese

Olive Oil

Butter

Marinara Sauce (like Ragu or something)

Mozzarella Cheese

Preheat oven to 350*

Put flour, salt and pepper into a zip lock bag.

Place chicken in bag and shake to coat.

Dip the chicken in the egg.

Put bread crumbs and parmesan cheese into a different bag.

Place chicken in bag and shake to coat.

Fry each breast on stove in olive oil and butter for 3 minutes on each side.

Put chicken breasts in a glass baking dish.

Put mozzarella cheese and marinara sauce on top of each breast.

Cover with tin foil and bake until chicken is done.

(Mine took and hour. Kelsey said hers takes like 20 minutes)

We ate it with breadsticks and asparagus and it was nothing short of divine!

Bon Appetit Mon Ami!

Get Excited!!! It's Springtime!

2009-03-17T08:47:00.009-06:00

I've had nothing to blog about FOREVER!!! I've done stuff, but I have no pics to show for it so it's not like you guys would believe me and I'm in a creative writing funk. And it's freakin funkalicious... but not to worry because it's almost SPRING!!!!

Here's how I know...

The birds have started clunking into my work windows and falling to the ground. It's good for a laugh. I'm not way cruel. Sometimes I'll check on them and they'll usualy live. One time we even got a pheasant, but it croaked so we gave it to the Mexicans in the back.
Pheasant Breakfast Burritos!!! Muy Beuno!

The bad A motorcycle owners are out with their snow gear on. It must be a rush to have that 30 degree wind blowing through your ski mask on the open road.

I'm developing rashes and cold sores/fever blisters and it's only from the neck up. And my nose is runny. I'm like a walking face STD. It always happens when the weather changes. It blows, but as long as a certain part of my body that rhymes with mipple can't cut through glass when I go outside anymore... I'll deal with it.

(I stole mipple from TAMN. Haha she's a genius)

I tried on a swimming suit at Old Navy and almost burst into tears. They have the most unflattering lighting! This happens every year at springtime too. So I decided I'm not going to stress about it. I only put a swimming suit on like 2 times last year.
Working out and starving to fit in a bikini is overrated.
SQUEEZING IS BELIEVING!

Sound Off

2009-02-10T08:48:00.007-07:00

This post will be kind of random, but it's just some things I"ve been thinking about lately that I don't want to forget. It's going to get long winded.

Cops

I don't feel protected by my local law enforcement. A policeman just strolled in here a couple minutes ago and let me tell you something... he could have literally passed for a pig. If I'm being chased down by some creep and one of our fat officers comes to the rescue, my bet is that the creep is going to get his duty done before the cop can come within flagpole distance of saving me.

I also feel like I'm always hearing about the "dirty" cops in L-town backing up a certain drug lord whose name I will not disclose. I have no proof or evidence. All I have is word of mouth and the fact that there can't be a whole lot going on over here to get these guys excited. When you were a loser in high school who got pushed around and then you decide to become part of a group of people who can push anyone you want to around, you're going to take advantage of the perks. I knew some kids in high school who had weed confiscated from them on the street with a WARNING! Last time I checked a 15 year old with drug paraphanilia should be getting his butt thrown in jail or at least have their parents contacted. Wonder what the cops did with all that weed?

Work and Humility

There's something admirable about those Amish people. They work to survive. If they don't churn that butter, they aren't going to eat. If they don't shear the sheep, they won't have clothes on their backs. What do I go to work for? To make a dollar to pay rent and my debts. Maybe even save up to take a vaca or buy a new outfit.

I feel the problems with the economy are a blessing in disguise. Now that we're in an economic crisis and people are losing their jobs, it's forcing us to become more humble. Why does it take tragedy to make us realize what's most important? I feel like too often we get caught up in what I'm driving, what I'm wearing, what my house looks like, what if I miss my show? Thank goodness for DVR. But then money gets tight and the clothes, and the weekend getaways and the TV is gone. Sure, they are things you'll miss, but will your heart yearn for them the way your heart will when you lose that family member or someone close to you that you wish you could have spent more time with, but were too preoccupied with your"stuff"?

I find that I'm genuinely the happiest when I'm with my family and closest friends playing games or just doing nothing, when I'm doing something selfless for someone else just to make them smile, or when I'm busy getting something accomplished instead of sitting on my butt wathing TV, waiting for a good laugh.

I'm slowly learning that there are only two things we've been promised to keep from this earth when we die. The knowledge we gain and our families. So for my late new years resolution I'm going to try to fight harder to keep those things closer to me.

Don't think I'm a weirdo. I'm still going to watch The Office and What Not To Wear and feel bad for myself because I'm not on a sunny beach gettin my tan on and I don't think ALL cops are dirty. I was just feeling insightful.

Love and the Beav... :)

2009-02-04T15:14:00.009-07:00

I made it back from boarding alive with no accidents!(actually one of us had a different kind of "accident", ya know, the one that involves wetness in the crotchal region, but I'll leave the guessing of who it was to you)

We brought K-dawg along for the ride and it was her first time too so we got to learn together.

Derelict was an excellent teacher. If you're interested in lessons he charges by the hour and you have to repay him in sexual favors. So you can imagine what the rest of our night was like.

wink* wink* Poor Kelsey... she had no idea what she was getting into.

:) jk

I'm excited to go again, even though today is the first day I've been able to walk unlike a pedafile who just came back from a vicious male prison.

And check out the board they gave me...

If you look closely it says

MOM KIM

How creepy is that?

For those of you who don't know my mom's name is Kim.

It's like she's always watching...

And a bonus pic for your viewing pleasure

I know, I know you're diggin the gloves.

Next time I'm in the 80's I'll buy you some with a matching fanny pack.

I also want to point out that...

Love Day is coming soon!

In honor of this wonderful day where we express our love for people/things

((Things I love in no particular order) people I don't like from high school getting fat and proving their dumbness on their blogs, my blog stalkers, asparagus, being a cougar (An 18 yr old gave me his number the other day), my bff's, Costa Vida, my family, Derrick, The Office....)

I've made a Love Mix that's perfect for rockin out to and it's sure to get ya in the mood for your V-day celebrations. 60% of the time it works, every time. Be sure to check it out.

Terrixcited

2009-01-30T11:39:00.007-07:00

K, I'm going snowboarding for the first time EVER tomorrow!!! I haven't even been on skis since I was like 10. And I couldn't ever get off of the lift without falling. Ha! Then the dude would stop it and come over and help me up and I'd be all awkwardly shy and embarrassed and oh my.... let's just not even go there.
B.U. I took you with me once, I'm sure you remember. :)

On ward ski nights my parents would always just sit up in the lodge and send me out with a trainer. And then the next day at school I'd get made fun of for still having to be taught year after year. I'd just tell the kids I was with my sister, not a trainer ,and they would believe me cuz the other kids were always whizzin past me while I was on my butt in the snow. The trainer was always a dude too. Sorry sisters. I gotta protect my rep.

I'm a little bit excited and a lot a bit terrified.
Any advice and prayer offerings would be appreciated because I need another hospital bill about as bad as I need another patch of cellulite on my A.

Crawlin The Walls

2009-01-26T13:51:00.013-07:00

Sometimes my job is beyond boring! I used to read, but they put the kibosh on that and surfing the net can only be entertaining for so long. Plus I feel like my eyesight is going.... and my work blocks like everything. Facebook, Myspace, Games, Midget Porn. I seriously just can't win! Anyway, I've found a couple of fun things that keep me entertained that I thought I would share.

80's Lyrics Quiz

This is a little fill in the blank 80's songs thing that's kinda fun.

There's a 90's one too, but I'm way better at the 80's one.

Oh wait! My job isn't totally boring! I get to talk to crazies who never shutup. For example: I just got the privilege to speak with the "Owner" of Hill Air Force Base...

He must be the whole Air Force. Watch Out! He's a big deal.

50 States in 10

This one is good for when you have 10 specified minutes to waste. The end of the day, Right before lunch break, when Mr. Crazy comes up and there's a clock ticking down on the screen and I say... I'm sorry Sir, I'd love to talk to you, but I have to take a test and I only have 8 minutes and 36 seconds left." Point to screen. "Have a good day!" Fake smile... and I'm free!And I'm now addicted to a little matching game called Midas Majhong. I have to be very sneaky when I play though, cuz if I'm not I'll get in trouble.

Stick it To the Man!

And that's about it other than blog stalking. I need help! And it's not like I'm lazy. I've asked for more responsibilites and been shut down. TWICE. I was told... My most important job is to answer the phone and greet customers, but when the phone doesn't ring and customers don't come in and I'm done with everything else what the crap am I supposed to do?!!! Pick my nose until I find my brain? Sorry, but ew.

So, if anyone has anything they need done such as knitting, prank calls, thank you notes, vaca planning, shopping, cooking (we have an oven and a stove upstairs), blackmailing etc... I'm your girl!

Apples to Apples, Dust to Dust

2009-01-19T10:23:00.020-07:00

Ok I'm doing better. The sun started shining and it's amazing how a little bit of exercise can make you feel like a million bucks! I haven't been tanning yet and I didn't think it was that big of a deal until I gave some massages this weekend and my arms were as white as people's backs that haven't seen the sun in YEARS people! Years...*shudder*

And this guy at work keeps telling me I look pale or he'll say "You look really white today"
I know he's just concerned, but I'm gettig a complex.
Too bad I can't pull of Nicole Kidman's see through skin look.

We played Apples to Apples with my family last night and I can't remember the last time I threw up so much in my mouth. At least it was fresh. :)

Alright if you haven't played before #1 you should get out more and #2 this is how it's played
The judge picks a Green card with a word on it. Everyone else playing has 7 Red cards in their hand. The other players throw in one Red card that they think is a desribing word of the Green card and the judge picks the best one.

Seriously, this is what happened. My Mom was the judge and her Green card word was Sensuous meaning desirable, erotic, heavy, hot, provacative, passionate, seductive, sexy, steamy, x-rated. Take your pick.
And my Dad throws in the card... MY PAST.

There's more.

My Dad was the judge and his Green card was Sexy.
My mom throws in... HANDCUFFS.
And then when my Dad was debating on which Red card to pick cuz he didn't want to spend the night cleaning up vomit my Mom kept screaming "Handcuffs are SEXY!!!"
And she wouldn't stop ... :(

There was one more incident, but I just started blocking them out, so when you're saying your prayers tonight be sure you don't forget to add that you're eternally grateful that you were spared.

To: those kinky freaks (my parents)
From: your offspring (me)
I can't even look you in the face anymore so after I spoon my eyes out do me a favor and send me away.
I hope you guys have saved enough money to put me in a padded room.
Thanks a lot.

Who am I?

2009-01-07T11:48:00.022-07:00

I feel... weird. I think it's the BS weather. Winter seriously depresses me. And not like "OMG it's snowing! I think I might die" depression. It's like I want to pack up without a word, move away where no one knows me and where I can get down my driveway without droppin the F bomb and almost crashing my car into a tree/fence/snow drift. I just don't feel like myself.

I sound like that commercial.

Where does depression hurt?
Everywhere.
(picture me huddled over on the couch with a grayish cast to my face)

Who does depression hurt?
Everyone.
(picture Derrick in the next room, with a face full of pain and worry and about to cry because I've turned into a vegetable)

I think I'm a pretty happy person for the most part, but like yesterday I bought a new car and I'm not even excited. What kind of a sick freak doesn't get excited about a new car? I guess if it were free I would have liked it better.

So here's the plan.

The Gym.
It's time to pump some iron, sweat Gatorade, and pee clear because all I drink is water.

How can I sweat Gatorade when all I drink is water?

I'm just that talented. Put me on a commercial!

Fake Bake.
But I won't tell anyone. I'll just pretend it's natural and if you catch me I'll you tell my doctor recommended it because I need the Vitamin D. Leather skin will become my best friend.

Learning.
I NEVER LEARNED TO READ! I want to take a class. In anything. Dance, Anatomy, Planned Parenthood.
Haha!!! JK guys. I got you good though. Admit it.

I think that this little sadness problem is the reason for lack of posts. So New Years was fun, Christmas was great and if you see me passed out in the street from overexertion at the gym or because I sobbed myself into a puddle of tears and melted snow. (the snow melted cuz I'm smokin hot from the gym OR uvb rays are cooking my insides and trying to find their way out.) Please pick me up and slap me across the face. If I'm a REAL mess you can kick me in the crotch or punch me in the ovaries (they'll be shriveled up like raisins from tanning anyway).

I won't even be mad.

Let There Be Light

2008-12-19T09:32:00.012-07:00

Derrick took me up to Preston on Wednesday night to look at the lights. There's this house up there that is CRAZY! I can't imagine what their electricity bill is.

From the Road

Some Lawn Decor

The Roof

I heard this is the last year these crazies are doing this, which is sad cuz we go up there every year. :( If you wanna see it you better get up there quick!

Shout Hooray!

2008-12-19T09:00:00.010-07:00

My sister and my nephew both had b-days in the last little while, so it's time for the name thing!!!

We'll start with Caleb

C-Cute

A - Adorable

L - Little

E - Energetic

B - Baby

And now for Britt Britt

B - Bangin

R - Radical

I - Infamous (she's more than famous)

T - Tantilizing

T - Terrific

N - Not 30 Yet

I - Incredible

Happy B-day Peeps! Love ya

I Get Knocked Down, But I Get Up Again

2008-12-10T11:56:00.016-07:00

Well, life was good. I just payed my car off, my insurance dropped this summer and then BAM! I almost hit a cement barrier with my car. I'm alive though.

Here's a full report from the victim/driver/freakin idiot

To get home from work I have to turn left onto a highway that's in a canyon. So I wait in the median and look in my rearview and kinda pick up speed so I can pull to the right and go with the flow of traffic. On Saturday I was doing just that and when I looked to the front of me I realized that I was coming up on the cement wall that comes in place of the median a little too fast, so I freaked. I hurried and swerved to the right to miss it and when my tires hit the rumble strips I could tell trying to steer my car was a lost cause. I just let go. Then I heard metal crunch and I was airborn.

When I landed I could tell that a few of my bottom teeth were not where they should be. And then I really freaked because I had a dream like 2 nights before the accident that those exact same teeth were loose in my mouth and I pulled them out! So I pulled those suckers back into place and that's when I realized I was stuck inside my car. Cue claustrophobia. I was crawling around frantically wondering where the crap my seats went and where my door handles were. Then I saw a girl tapping on my rearview window. She came and opened my passenger door and I was free.

My shoes flew off somehow so I'm walking around in a panic and everyone started asking me how old I was and what my name was and stuff and I kept saying I'm 21, I'm 21. :( I'm really not. How sad.

Then they sit me in a car and I start crying hysterically and shaking all over. It still makes me queasy to think about what happened. All these what if's and why's keep running through my head. I just take a Vicodin and that seems to make it stop. I see a lady being put on a stretcher and some little kids getting out of a car and I start crying even more hysterically. Did I kill someone? Did I hurt the kids? Why didn't anybody tell me I hit another car? Where's my brain? Did I leave that in my car?

This lady starts calling an ambulance for me and I'm on the phone with Derrick and he's like if you think you'll alright I'll just come up and get you so you don't have to pay for the ambulance. And I was like ok. No ambulance for me. And then the lady starts pushing me to go, but I freakin don't want one or think I need one. She reluctantly hands me some papers to sign and I step out of the car to get into Derrick's truck.

Whoa! Cop in my face. "Where's your insurance card? I need it. Do you think it's in your car?" Points to my upside down car like he wants me to go crawling through the broken glass to get into my glove box to find it. And he wouldn't lay off it either. Umm I don't know where it is officer sir. Why don't you get down there and find it if you need it so bad. You don't seem to be bleeding profusely from your mouth and in such a state of shock that you don't even care that you're wearing black hooker boots with dark brown work pants.

So anyway I can't ever seem to make a long story short or even a short story short, but for your eyes sake I'll make an attempt

I went to the hospital, nothings wrong except for my mouth and on Sunday I got to have surgery on it. They stitched up the cut on my lip and put stitches all through my teeth and popped a bone in my jaw back into place and I have braces on the back of my bottom teeth. I feel like a 15 year old again. I need someone to take me to Twilight and buy me a magazine with Robert Pattinson on the cover to make me feel better like pronto!

Everyone in the other car is fine. Their airbags deployed and the airbag broke the drivers arm. They said that when they hit me I was on two wheels. People pay other people big bucks for driving skills like that. I'm applying to Nascar. I'd fit in perfectly if I'd lost my teeth. I'd change my name to Racey Carr and make sure I bought a skin tight racin suit and unzip it just enough to stay true to my new first name.

Speaking of racy....

Eat your heart out

Here's my new lips. Move over Angelina.

Here's ma noo Grill

Extreme Close Up (Kinda sick huh?!)

Yeah, you like that? There's more where that came from.
Quit covering your eyes. Don't fight it.

And here's what's left of The Black Beauty

Now I'll count my blessings. One By One

1. I didn't kill anyone

2. My 7 pound holiday weight gain will be nonexistent this year because I've taken up anorexia due to my awesome mouth wounds

3. I get a new car

4. It could have been a lot worse than it was

5. I got a lot of drugs

6. My insurance is covering a lot more than I thought they would.

I could go on but I'll stop with

7. My wonderful family and friends

I'm very lucky to have such great people in my life and it seriously chokes me up to even type about it. How gay am I? (not in that way)

To prevent my keyboard water damage I'll make it short and sweet.

Here's a total sincere heartfelt shout out and thank you and I love you and I don't know where I'd be without you to all the people that I'm thankful for and that I love and that I don't know where I"d be without!

*****SHOUT OUT*****

Crikey to the Sweet Pork and Aye Matie to the Movie!

2008-12-04T08:52:00.010-07:00

So I made Sweet Pork, Cilantro Lime Rice, and Cilantro Ranch Dressing on Saturday in hopes that we would be able to have Costa Vida salads! Apparently my reading skills weren't up to par that day because I didn't realize that the pork takes like 6 hours to make.

I go to the store get the stuff I need and apparently Wal-Mart doesn't carry tomatillos (yeah, if you're thinking "What the crap is a tomatillo?", we were on the same page).

So I went home put all the stuff in the crock pot that needed to go in and then went to Smiths to find a tomatillo. They had some woot woot and then I went to Sugar and Spice to buy some cute Christmas lights. So I was gone like an hour. Come back home and realize that the POS crock pot Derrick has doesn't work. :(

Get back in the car and go back to Walmart to get a new one on Black Friday weekend. I must be mental. All the crock pots that were under $30 were gone.

Shopko it is. I found some! But I'm a total debater when it comes to purchases like that because I'll want it to last for a long time and I'm going to want it to match my kitchen when I grow up. Do I go sophisticated and get a stainless steel one cuz I might have a stainless steel appliance kitchen one day or do I get a red one so it throws a little color and warmth and freakin awesome fun spunk into cooking or do I get black because it goes with everything from modern to traditional. Except it doesn't go with brown. And what if I want a neutral cream tan and brown kitchen when I grow up? I just got black and said screw it.

She's a beaut isn't she? Totally worth the stress.

Go back home, throw the food the new CP and start hanging up the Christmas lights I got at Sug and Spi and break a bulb. My life sucks. Turns out my sweet pork won't get done until like 12:30 AM so me and Derelict went to Fredricos with Gordon and Godi for din din.

We didn't even have time to eat our Salads until last night, but they were dang good! Totally drool worthy. Whoever figured out these recipes is a genius. Who knows if I'll ever take the time to make it again because it's easier just to buy it, but I'm excited for my lunch today cuz there's tons of leftovers! Only half an hour to go!

After we ate Derrick took me to Australia. This is the best movie I"ve seen in a long time! Two very enthusiastic thumbs up. I loved it and I loved Hugh. He does a good job at being the Sexiest Man Alive.

The recipes I used for the delish salads are here... Click Me

Twigh-love or Twigh-lame?

2008-11-26T08:08:00.023-07:00

Attention Die Hards

Do Not Read, if You Don't Want to Be Offended

If You Do Read Please Don't Plot My Death

It's Just An Opinion

Where do I begin? I'll begin at the beginning. I was given the first Twilight book to read. Read it, liked it. Then I read the second one. Hated it. Then I read the third one and I'm having trouble recalling what happened in that one (I know, I know. I'm going to hell cuz I've only read them once. James might as well come back to life and kill me. I'd let him though. He's a Hottie Pants Vampire) but I do remember liking it. And then I finished the fourth one and I didn't really like it at all. So when I heard the movie was coming out I was like cool, I'll have to go see it.

But the girls at my work were like "BAAAHH!!!!! Twilight movie! OMG! My life is almost complete! Now all I need is a lifesize Edward poster so he can watch me in my sleep!" It's like if it even came up in covo they went into heat. And these girls aren't 16 anymore either. And they're married. So the movie came out and a girl from work went to see it at midnight on Thurs. I walk in the office at 8:00 on Friday and all I'm hearing is Edward, vampire, swoon, suck blood, Bella, Jacob, love on and on and on, So I leave. I go back in around 10:00. They're still Twilight struck. I go back in at 1:00 and I actually had to stay in there for a minute.

Girl 1 (hasn't read the books or seen the movie, but still seems to be obsessed) : "Well how come Edward can stand to be around Bella and not suck her blood, Cuz I know in all the other vampire movies I've seen if a vampire wants a woman he's attracted to he'll just bite her and turn her into a vampiress to be one of his women."

Girl 2 (seen movie 3 times that I know of, and read the books like a gazillion times): "Well cuz Edward loves her so much that he doesn't want to hurt her."

Girl 1: Says pretty much the same thing over again... and then, "Well how come Edward can do that?" Blah Blah Blah

Me(piping up for the first time all day) : Ummm It's Make Believe.

Girl 2 looks at me the way little kids do when they find out Santa isn't real. I saw the shock and the hurt and the disbelief all rolled into one.

Girl 1 turns around and snaps back, "Well I know that, but" and asks the same question over again that she's been asking the entire time.

I leave the room, once again, and don't return.

Yesterday I saw the movie with my mom. What a freakin joke! If I hadn't read the book I probably would have walked out or if I was feeling dramatic I would have bought a licorice rope and tried to hang myself with it. The first hour and a half bites the weenie. And there were grown women there actually laughing at the parts they attempted to make funny. i.e. When Charlie is loading the gun, when Jacob's dad tries to get down with the way teens talk. The only explanation I can offer is that they've just been weaned off of Little House on the Prairie.

Even if I was a 15 year old, I still would have thought this movie sucked. "You'd better hold on tight spider monkey" ??? I almost threw up the Wendys I snuck into my purse to eat in the theatre.

Does Bella even smile with her teeth through any of it? She needs to get off the "depressed teenager because I'm so much more mature than my mom, and my dad, and everyone else I come in contact with combined" phase like pronto or she's gonna get her face kicked in.

I did like the baseball game and the ballet room. Edward was better than I thought he would be. Charlie and Jacob were my favorite though.

If a movie this craptacular can make 70 million in one weekend I can understand why we're in a financial crisis.

Sorry to be a Bella and Edward hater, but I Yam What I Yam.

On a lighter note

This is the best Twilight related media I've seen

Ang the Awesome

2008-11-24T14:32:00.007-07:00

Super Crazy Busy Tear my own Hair out of My Head Weekend!

It was Angela's b-day this weekend! She's lookin good for 29! She must have inherited Grandma Babe's genes. Lucky!

Brittni made her this adorable Rainbow Brite cake, but we didn't eat it. We ate a Kent's cake (best frosting ever) and opened presents and played cards. It was fun.

As a tribute to my sista here is a thingy with all the letters of her name that describe her.

A - Adorable

N - Naughty

G - Grrr baby

E - Extraordinary

L - Love Machine

A - Amiable

I Give You.... Derelict!

2008-11-24T10:50:00.009-07:00

Happy (late) B-day

Pooky Bear Snuggle Bug Handsome Face!!!

Yup, my 5'10, pure muscle, blond hair blue eyed, goatee sporting, football loving, hunk of love boyfriend that won't watch any movies unless there's gonna be some violence or brief nudity in them is one year older! I'll let you do the guessing at how old he is. I don't want to give out too much info to any stalkers out there!

On Thursday night I had him blindfolded and took him up to Sherwood Hills Spa and we got the best hot stone massages! Yum! He totally knew where we were going the whole time though because he sat paid attention to every turn, and the railroad tracks, and the curves in the road, and the speed limit and the stop signs. He knows Logan like the back of his hand. Ridiculous. And then to top it off when I got him inside the phone rang and the girl at the front desk was like "Sherwood Hills Resort". Lame, but it was still fun.

On Friday I went to his house and took him his presents and then we went and got smoothies and then we went and sat in the massage chairs at Fisher Home Furnishings for like EVER. I should hate those things because they put me out of business, but we were in heaven. Derrick found one that massaged his butt and I found one that stretches your body out. I'm looking forward to fake shopping for furniture again sometime soon!

Then we drove down to Tepanyaki and... Surprise!

A bunch of his friends were there at the same time we were! Talk about coincidental. This was the best part of his b-day in my opinion. The food is to die for and I'm still alive despite the 4 pounds of butter they used on it and the company was fantastic because all of Derrick's friends married cool people (that eliminates the fake awkward "I'm nice to you because I have to be" part of married couple hang outs and church gatherings that happens all too often) and our waitress totally complimented my rack which was kind of embarrassing, but flattering because she thought I bought Barnes and Noble, but I didn't! I just inherited good genes. Thanks Mom! And she told Derrick that he looks like early early 20's. He liked that.

And THEN we went to his parents house for Sunday dinner on Sunday believe it or not(weird... I know) and had a birthday celebration feast. We're talkin steak, shrimp, salads, homemade rolls, the freakin works. I know you're all jealous.

Talk about a super duper birthday weekend!

I'll make one of those name describing things for him too.

D - Delectable

E - Easy

(take it however you like)

R - Radical

R - Ridiculously Good Looking

I - Irresistable

C - Courageous

K - Kinky

(I don't even know what that means. I promise, it's just all I could think of)

Thanks for being born and staying alive babe!

Would You Rather?

2008-11-18T08:27:00.014-07:00

I'm starting a Would You Rather Poll every week it'll be at the top of my page to the right. Don't forget to vote! (even all you anonymous stalkers) It's easy. All you have to do is pretend that someone is going to force you to do one of the things and pick which one you would be most likely to choose if forced.

Example:

Would You Rather...

Have a butt full of worms

A mouth full of ticks?

Hmm this is a tough one! I'm going to go with a butt full of worms because they move slower and don't suck blood. Anyway I used to play this with a group of friends sometimes and it was fun to see what people will decide. Derrick got me a whole book full of them for a present one time! Yay! So, some of them will be from the book and some of them will be ones I make up. If you have one that you make up that you want me to post

your wish will be granted.

Get your bums to the poll!

My Current Obsession

2008-11-17T14:07:00.015-07:00

IDK why I'm blogging about this. I'm just that bored I guess.

Maybe it will help someone who has my same dilemma.

Every once in a while I will go through this weird stock up on

stuff and see how cheap I can find it phase.

This spring and summer it was books.

Then I decided I want a signature scent,

so when people smell it they're like hmm...

fun, bangin, adorable, irresistible
It must be Ashley :)

so now...
it's perfume

Here's how the hunt is going

First purchase:

Princess by Vera Wang

I love this smell! And the bottle is freakin cute! The things that suck about this is that it's an EDT and not an EDP so it doesn't last very long and it's pretty expensive so I hate to have to reapply like every two hours and everytime I put it on it would give me a headache. But it smelled so good I didn't even care. It's pretty fruity with some musk, amber and vanilly mixed in when it dries. Perfect smell, but doesn't last. I heard the body butter lasts longer than the spray, so I might have to get some of that.

Next:
Light Blue by Dolce and Gabbana

Whenever I smell this on people I LOVE IT and can totally recognize it. It's light and clean and a little bit woodsy, but as far as the spray on the card thing goes I smell too much green apple and it just doesn't appeal to me so I don't really know why I got this. Maybe I just felt like being trendy. I actually didn't buy the real thing. InStyle makes an imitation that smells just like it for $11 so I got some of that instead of spending like $70. Anyway it was just an impulse buy and I got it because I love the way it smells on other people, but I couldn't force myself to put it on me because I didn't want to smell like a Jolly Rancher all day. A lady fom my work bought it from me and it smells way good on her. Maybe I'll buy another bottle cuz it's so cheap and try it out. Bottom line. I'm a freak to buy a perfume and not ever even try it on myself cuz I don't like the way it smells on paper.

Next:
Ed Hardy by Christian Audigier

This is a really good one for summer. It's kind of like Princess where it starts out really fruity and then fades to a musky amber. There's no vanilla though and it's not quite as cotton candy sweet as Princess is. It doesn't stay as long as I would like it to, but I get compliments when I wear it. I guess to sum it up it's sweet and musky. I wore it all summer so I'm kind of sick of it, but I'm sure I'll like it again next summer.

Dream Angels Heavenly by Victorias Secret

My cousin would always put this on when we were getting ready to go somewhere and she always smelled good. Not overpowering or too girly or anything. Just soft and pleasant and good. So being the numero uno fragrance in America and since I found the big bottle on the internet for like 30 bucks I thought I'd give it a shot. This perfume smells like butt on me! Death by fragrance. I hated it when I first put it on. So the night I got it, right before I went to bed I decided to spray a little on again, just to make sure I needed to sell it to someone. Yup I was decided.... Until I woke up the next morning and I smelled freakin fantastic! So now this is a keeper. It just has a weird spicy note at the first that doesn't agree with my chemistry, but after the dry down it actually smells really good. So the pitfalls are smelling like everyone else and I have to wait a while before I can go somewhere for it to smell good on me, but Derrick likes it so since I'm a nice g/f I'll keep it.

Next:

Fantasy by Britney Spears

That's right, I'm contributing to her millions. I also love her new song. This is a good perfume if you like girly foody smells and it has a cute bottle. Some kid bought me this lotion when he was trying to woo me over a couple years ago and I've really liked it ever since. It stays all day, it smells really good. Even my mom likes it, but she can't wear anything that's by "somebody" SJP, Britney Spears, J Lo. You know what I'm talkin about. So anyway I've just always had the lotion, and I decided to buy the perfume cuz I found it cheap and it's just as good as ever. So I guess this is a staple for me, but not my signature.

Coming in the mail:

Very Sexy by Vicorias Secret

A chick on ebay was selling her lotion and her big bottle of perfume that she has hardly used and I outbid all the other poor suckers who were bidding with 15 seconds left! I got them both for like 30 bucks! Holla! I know I like this smell cuz I've used it when my friends have had it. Definitely not a day smelll for work and what not cuz it's a little too strong, but I do remember liking it a lot so it will just be nice to have around.

On my wish list

Viva La Juicy by Juicy Couture

In a word... YUM! This just came out this fall so it will be hard to find it anywhere on the cheap side for a while, but I'm savin up! This could very well be it ladies and gents.

Pray for me!
If anyone has any favorites they think I might enjoy send your ideas my way!

Love your guts and thx for reading!

First Cold Blooded Kill :(

2008-11-14T10:20:00.017-07:00

Last Saturday Derrick took me on what he would probably call The Date of a Lifetime and I know he secretly wants me to blog about it so this one's for you Pooky!

We'll start with a little background I rent a basement that has a farm next to it. Mice? Check. Mouse living in my trunk? Check. Mouse living in my house? Check.

DISGUSTING!!!!!

We cleaned out my car to be the best it's ever looked and I put some Peppermint Extract on cotton balls and set them in some places because they hate that smell, so the mouse in my car is gone and the mouse in my basement decided my food wasn't good enough for him so they caught him upstairs. Problem solved. Except all this trap setting must have turned Derrick into a Trappin Fool beacause he decided to catch the raccoons down on the farm.

Pesky Varmint Catching has always been a hobby I've wanted to pursue.

My dreams are FINALLY coming true!

So, he set a live trap and put a twinkie in there and a couple days later, TA DA!!! There's a coon!This isn't a very good shot, but it's the best I could do. This thing was huge! We thought she was going to be mean, but she just looked sad. She looked up at us with these big "please don't kill me" eyes at one point and it seriously just made me want to let her go, but I got to hold the flashlight while Derrick murdered her instead.

Then we go to his friend's shed AKA, The Death Chamber. Serious. It even smelled like death. Let me paint you a picture. There was a coyote body in a black bag with with his skin on the table and this pinkish/white body (a badger) hanging from the ceiling by its legs. The badger's skin was on the table too.

(Side note: I'm grateful I don't have a penis, so I'm not driven to do things like this)

I'm surprised this place send me over the edge.

because it gets worse....

Then they started cracking bones to get the skin to come off of her innocent lifeless dead body! After about an hour of bone crackin and sawing through flesh and fur we made it out of there alive and now Derrick has a raccoon skin in his freezer.

He told me he'd make me some lingerie out of it. Bonus!

I would feel differently about the situation if the raccoon had a fighting chance, but all she wanted was a Twinkie, man.

Anyway, it was the first animal kill Derrick's ever had so

Good trappin/shootin/skinnin dude!

Come and See Your Future!

2008-11-10T17:09:00.017-07:00

Horoscopes were designed by yours truly

(and the stars of course)

They took me a long time so

Please take them seriously.

Aries March 21 - April 19th

You may have had a crappy month last month, but there's no use cryin over spilled milk. It's time to have your cake and eat it too. In other words, GET A LIFE! Quit trying to hide who you really are. Do the things that make you happy. You know what I'm talkin about. Don't be bashful. Sing those showtunes out loud! Sleep with your old stuffed animals! Pick your nose and eat it! Stalk your old bf's/gf's and see how ugly their new squeeze and their kids are and laugh! Anything that people don't normally do, you need to do this month if it makes you happy. Who cares if other people are wondering when you came out of the closet or stepped onto the crazy train. As long as you're having fun!

Taurus April 20 - May 20

You are a horned beast and this month it will show! If you're a woman the poor men around you will seriously wonder how you can PMS all month long! And if you're a man, the women around you will start looking through your things to find and hide the 'roids. (not that you need them, you're huge on your own. Deep breaths) Try to relax. Avoid people and things that set you off. Take a shot of whiskey with your diet coke in the morning, but only after you slather yourself in theraputic aromatherapy oil and do some yoga. No one wants to find you in the downward dog gone wrong! Don't rage and drive. It's a full moon in your sign on the 13th (spooky) so let's try to keep the crazy under control.

Gemini May 21- June 21

Oh my Gemini! Is your past creeping back into your life to haunt your A? If it hasn't happened yet, it's about to. It's time to turn to giving unto others to rid yourself of bad karma. Spend as much time serving as you do looking in the mirror or watching football and you'll be golden. Give an ugly person you see a makeover (mirror time bonus b/c you'll be in front of one SERVING as a makeover artist) or give that nerd in one of your classes the phone number of the Butter Face girl who is totally into you, but you don't want to be seen in daylight with. This will help you remember that just because you were born smokin hot that doesn't mean you were meant to be self centered and snotty.

Cancer June 22 - July 22

Sad news... The stars didn't align in your favor this month. People are still going to think you're retarded. Keep your tongue in your mouth while tying your shoes and it's also been predicted that if you keep your fingers out of your nose this month, that will put a significant stop to those nose bleeds you've been having. Keep your chin up (make sure you wipe off the drool) Don't forget your slogan... Life is hawd when people think you're a we todd.

Leo July 23 - August 22

This month is all about indulgence. Leo becomes the Lion! Throw caution to the wind. Take naps at work, eat as much as you want, sleep in, leave the toilet seat up, give dirty looks in church, make whoopy wherever/whenever or be stingy if you don't really like whoopy. If you're late for an appointment, who gives a crap? The world around you is your play-doh. Mold it into something beautiful for you.

Virgo August 23 - September 22

All you virgo's should be in high spirits this month because you've earned it baby! Not wetting the bed last month and changing your underwear at least once every 3 days this month has gotta feel good in and of itself, but if you can keep it up fate has decided to bless you with much more. Not only will people stop talking about how much you stink (Thanks to no more skid marks cuz you change your undies! Woot Woot) and how sad your life must be, but your love life is also going to improve dramatically and you'll be getting some serious boo-tay! Prep the candles, wash your sheets, clean your couch cushions, brush your teeth twice a day, and give in to what the Goddess of Love has to offer.

Libra September 23 - October 22

Feeling unlucky in love? Now's the time for change! Men, let's retire the nickname for you know who and the leopard thong for a while. The ladies aren't going to swoon and surrender to [Insert Name i.e Mojo Master/Tornado Tex/King Cobra/Your Napoleon] any time soon. Stick to your charm and incredible wit. If that doesn't work, stick to alcohol. Ladies, remember the more beer he drinks, the better you're gonna look!

Scorpio October 23 - November 21

Emotionally you may be feeling a little insecure this month. Don't let your insecurities dictate who you are! It's time to get in touch with who you were right when you were fresh out of the womb. We're talking some No Limits November Nudity! Anything goes. Mow the lawn in the buff, Cook dinner for your family totally Nakie, Go to the drive through flashin your bits. People will stare, Kids may cry, but none of that matters because you, my friend, are bangin! Embrace the all natural you!

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

It's almost your birthday, shout hooray!!! Dull and dreary things might be springing up in your life in the beginning of this month, but not to fret. Things are looking up mid month if you'll step out of your comfort zone. Try something new and adventurous and naughty! Take your blog off of private, just to see if that stalker will really come find you, rent a convertible for an hour and blast the music with the top down and the heater going full blast with sunglasses on in the middle of a storm, eat at the place that gives you the worst gas ever, go to get a massage the next day, and fart your face off, buy silk sheets and sleep completely naked in them and then return the sheets, high five someone in the face as hard as you can and say it was an accident. The possibilites are endless. Mischievious will be your new middle name.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19

Financial woes are everywhere and the holidays are just around the corner! Be practical in your gift giving. No one rememberswhat you got them last year and this year won't be any different. Since you'll be saving money on your gift giving pocket some away because the holidays are the perfect time to exact revenge on your boss/those B.I.'s in Relief Society/your mother in law. Anyone who causes you grief. Make some brownies with dog poo in them or cookies with a super strong laxative and deliver them to your chosen enemy with one of those cutesy little secret goody deliverer holdiay poems and no one will suspect a thing. Happy Revengadays!!! Muah ha ha

Aquarius January 20 - February 18

Your luck is changing! This month should be totally awesome for you! A hot bikini model/Chip and Dale man will show up at your door with 2 full paid hours of sucking face/taking hot pics with them. Your significant other won't even be mad and your friends will be SOOOO jealous. You'll also score some major points with mr/mrs hottie pants (or no pants tee hee)and they say they'll be back next weekend free of charge. Every time you turn on the radio one of your favorite songs will be playing, you'll never have to stop at a red light, and you'll magically lose 20 pounds! Holy crap the stars love you!!! And you're a total sucker! Truthfully the chances of your life improving this month are slim to none. Sorry! Better luck next time.

Pisces February 19 - March 20

Dear Pisces, is your life falling to pieces? Let's take time out and get to the root of the problem. Holiday stress? Money troubles? Want to rip your OWN head off because it constantly feels like your brain might explode? Keep breathin and listen: The stars have sent us Meds! Go to the doc, tell him your troubs and it will be a win win. Your stress will be gone because there's a chilled out weed smokin party in your brain and people will think you're a riot! Limit yourself to just using during the holidays and see what happens. If you're a Mo Mo or a Peter Priesthood you'll fit right in with the rest of the ward. You can even swap meds and see what kind of crazy scripture chasin, funeral casserole bakin fun you kids can get into! Good luck!

Spooktacular

2008-10-28T11:45:00.009-06:00

This weekend I decided it was time to get into the Halloween scene, so I went to the Pumpkin Walk with Casey, Caleb, and Britt. I didn't take my camera but it turned out ok cuz the only one I even liked was Noah's Ark. The P Walk was pretty lame this year compared to last year, so sorry it was lame Freeze fam! Please forgive me!

On Sunday Brittni hosted a little BBQ/Pumpkin Carving Party. It was good eatin, good carvin, good company. Best Sunday before Halloween ever!

Cutie Caleb in his Skeleton Shirt

Blakie Eating all the Caramel off of His Apple

Mucho Concentrationo

Griff had food poisoning and had to leave :( but this is pretty much everyone

The Finished Product

Skull-Dylan, Jackolanter-Griff, Edward and Bella - Jordon, Wicked -Me, Skull -Derelict, Jackolantern - Blakie

Hope Everyone has a Happy Haunting this Weekend!!!

Best B&P Day Ever Is On It's Way

2008-10-27T17:25:00.014-06:00

In one month from today

My mother will have slaved away

I'll feel my BMI and FP growing

Hopefully they're not showing *blush*

But nevermind about that

I have the secret to not getting totally fat

Which is why, at this time

I'll be at my prime

Because I'll have already binged and purged

And be on my way back for seconds or even *gasp*... THIRDS!!!

I LOVE THANKSGIVING!!!

P.S. Totally thankful for
Toilets and Toothbrushes

Picture Perfect

2008-10-24T12:41:00.018-06:00

How adorable is this? All us kids together decorating cupcakes for Halloween. IDK where Ang is. She could be snapping the pic. Hmmm.... Family Trivia Question Below*

What a fun time for this ridiculously good looking family, but wait! What's wrong with that girl on the end? Yeah, you know which one I'm talking about. The one who is just starting her awkward/ugly phase that she may never quite grow out of?
Yup that's the one! Do you think this little girl looks like she's enjoying herself? Or do you think she's stressed that her 2 and 4 year old brother's cupcakes are going to look better than hers if she doesn't put that candy corn in the EXACT RIGHT SPOT?

Further proof that the cutesy slash creative gene passed me over.

I guess I got the crazy instead.

If I'm ever called to the Young Women's, I'm screwed :(

****Family Trivia****

Who saw a photo-op and snapped the picture?

I'm led to believe it was Angela, because just look at that mess in the kitchen (not saying you're messy, just doesn't look like there was a whole lot of "pick up as you go") But Mom's signature is there right in front of Jordon. The black, the red, and the white with a straw sticking out.

Who could it be?

For the First Time I Feel.... Wicked

2008-10-22T09:17:00.009-06:00

Heart the play, but the book makes me want to fill my toilet bowl with bleach and dunk my head inside. (To clean out my brain, Duh!) It's naughty! I've read a few books with some naughty parts, but holy crap! Who knew that in the Land of Oz munchkins, tigers, and normal people were gathering to have "S" all together in the same room? I don't even know what to call that. A naked midget circus or like a beastiality orgy. Either way, it's distrubing. I know that the show is coming to SLC soon, so if you were planning on reading this book before you saw the play consider this fair warning from my eyeballs to yours:

To my fellow Pupils, Iris', Sclera, and Eyelids

We see so much. Everything from the beauty of the changing leaves and the setting sun, to the ugliness of a man who wears a brown belt with black shoes, and his hairy butt crack. I'm here to tell you if you want to save yourselves from burning (freakin bleach!) DO NOT READ the book Wicked.

Everyone needs to do their part. If this book is put in front of you, pretend like it's the butt crack or old people gettin freaky, you eyelids need to shut yourselves and stay that way! Another solution would be to cry yourselves out for no reason. (hopefully your person is a girl) If worse comes to worst Iris' and Pupils pull together and hope that your person falls in well. Don't let your person get kicked by a mule, or you'll be pulled back apart.

Sincerely Yours,

Eyeballs in Anguish

Freakin Hot Baby

2008-10-15T10:25:00.003-06:00

Stinky Poo Cutie Face

How funny is this thing? It even dressed it (IDK if it's a he or a she) for Halloween. Go ahead. Make one of your own, then come back to mine and lust. :)

Randomness at its Best

2008-10-14T08:55:00.013-06:00

My beautiful sista Brittni tagged me so, here goes.

6 More Random Things about Moi

1. The other day I had a client with hair like this...

Now, not only was her hair like that, but she was rockin the HUGE 80's glasses too. Being the fine upstanding member of society I am, I'm curious to know what my obligation is here? Do I take a picture of my client, (I might even bust out the polaroid so she feels at ease), find out the name of her hair stylist, march into her work, put the picture down at her station, and slap her across the face? Would that be crossing the line? I need some input because this lady was a sweet lady. I'm not trying to be a snot, All I'm saying is she needs not be a victim of atrocious 80's hair any longer. I'm just trying to make a difference.

2. The snow came this weekend and for the first time since I can remember, I didn't sink into the depths of depression like I do every other year. I must be getting used to dissapointment from Mother Nature. It snowed on my birthday this year for crying out loud! My birthday is May 1st! (Don't forget to mark your calendars!)

It's supposed to be shorts and a jacket weather on my birthday. Not gloves and snowboots.

3. I'm so excited to go to a Haunted House this year. I didn't go last year, but this year I'm definitely making it a priority. I'm bummed that Rocky Point closed cuz that was my fave. Does anyone know of any good ones?

4. I used to enjoy blog stalking to see what people are doing with their lives, but the more I blog stalk the more I realize BRHS's English program must have sucked big time. What's even more embarrassing is that a lot of these people have a college education. I'm not claiming to be a genius here or that I'm above making typos, but come on people. Let's start with a lesson on there, they're, and their. That's right. There are three of them. Pull out your 3rd grader's English book and learn how to us them. And when you don't appreciate something you should, its called taking it for GRANTED, not granite. Granite is a stone. If you're talking about a baby crying the baby lets out a WAIL. Not a whale, that's what ate Jonah. If you have things you need to get done, you say I have things to DO. Not, due. They're (they are) different. If you read this and you're one of those people who has these kind of problems, don't be a baby and go private cuz you're being made fun of. I'm not making fun. English is hard. I'm just trying to protect our reputation. Just because us BRHS girls are easy and inbred, that doesn't have to mean we're stupid.

Tip of the day: There's (there is) this thing in Microsoft Word called Spell Check. Try it.

5. Someday I want to go to road trip to the Oregon Coast for vacation. It would be cool to check out all the lighthouses and beach shops. And seeing ocean with the mountains would be beautiful.

6. I'm stoked that it's cold enough to start making soup again! I love soup because it warms me up and it always makes a ton so I can eat it for lunch for like a week. So, here's a recipe for some yummalicious soup I like to make.

Tortellini Soup
1 lb. mild Italian suasage
1 onion, chopped
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 cup water
2 (13 oz) cans beef broth
1/2 cup apple juice
1 (28 oz) can crushed or diced tomatoes
3 carrots, sliced bigger
1 cup zucchini, sliced
1 green pepper, chopped bigger
1 t. basil
4 t. fresh parsley, chopped
8 - 12 oz. cheese tortellini
fresh Parmesan cheese, grated

In soup pan, brown sausage, drain or blot.
Add onion and garlic, cook with sausage until tender.
Add all but tortellini. Simmer 30 minutes or more.
Add tortellini 5 -10 minutes before serving.Garnish with Parmesan cheese

Mother Knows Best

2008-10-10T08:18:00.012-06:00

Alrighty, I know I already said NY was way fun, but I'm saying it again... NY was some totally awesome wicked bodacious heck yes fun! First of all, I flew all by myself there and back like a big girl which to some of you might not be so impressive, but I've only flown once when I was like 15 and I was with my whole family. One step closer to pulling on my grown up pants... yes!

Next of all I learned to listen to my mother. She was nagging me to get an epi pen and a medical bracelet before I left and I just kept thinking, no I'll be fine. It's no biggie, I NEVER have allergic reactions. It's been 4 years since the last serious one and the one before that was like 19-20 years ago. Anyone else in my shoes would have felt invincible too. And then fate stepped decided it was time to give Ashley a fall to the ground, bawl your eyes out, and not even care that you are acting like a huge wuss in front of a crowd, squirrel tap.

Kels dropped me off at the mall to do some shoppin while she finished work, and I hadn't ate lunch yet so I stopped at the food court. I was walking by this place and the lady goes "Sample?" and I was like "Sure, what is it?" And she says "Teryaki Chicken" I pop it in my mouth and it's so succulent and delish I'm next in line sucking what's left of the flavor off of my toothpick. I get some broccoli, some chicken, and some rice and sit down to feast.

I'm on the phone with Derrick and about 5 minutes into my din din my chest and my throat start to feel really tight. And I'm like Oh no!... I gotta get outta here and find a somewhere to buy some Benadryl because I bought a new purse the day before and I switched purses that day and left my Benadryl out. This mall I was at is huge and I suck at directions so I had a hard time finding my way out, and the whole time I'm like panicking because I've never been here before so once I get out how the crap am I supposed to know which way a gas station is?

Tight chest/throat + lost+alone+ in a elevator = Panick Attack!

I finally make it outside and start heading the direction where the most people are. The bonus was that K-Dawg lives in a nice part of New York so I wasn't scared of being taken into a back alley and beaten to a pulp, not that that would scare me anyway because I had mace in my new huge purse. (Which is stupid because by the time I'd found it in my purse, taken the lock off, and sprayed it in someones eyeballs I'd be a gonner regardless) The heavens open up to me and I see a Wal-Mart sign like 2 blocks away so I book it over there grab some Benadryl and a Pepsi and drug up.

I'm feeling calm and in control on my way back to the mall until I get inside and my eyes start to feel so dry that they are burning and I can't see as much as I usually can. Then the palms of my hands start to itch and I start to scratch them and I notice my hands are blowing up and it's moving up my arms! I sit on some stairs in a store and feel my eyes and realize that they are being swollen shut! Here comes another panic attack.

I'm on the phone with Derrick again and I'm crying because my stomach feels like it's being ripped to shreds and I can't breathe. Derrick is trying to calm me down and tells me to go find a worker and ask them if they have a first aid, so I do and she takes me to Mall Security. Gosh, they're so tough, I'm envious of the power their gold badges and goofy black hats hold, but that's a whole different story.

The rest of the mall is a little blurry cuz I was lying on a bench crying and hurting and talking to like 10 people at once, picturing my death and trying to repent. They called the ambulance and right as soon as they ambulance got there I spewed in the garbage can and I feel TONS better and I tell them I don't want to go to the hospital anymore and they say you have to go to the hospital, and I say what if I don't want to pay for it, but they don't care. The next thing I know I'm strapped to the gurney and away we go.

I get to the hospital and they take me in and wheel me up next to this chick.

No, not Kelsey. The old New York lady behind her with no teeth that CONSTANTLY talks to herself (even in her sleep) and then freaks out when she's actually trying to talk to someone and no one pays here any attention. This one time she just kept repeating the same thing over and over and then all the sudden she just screams "Excuse me! I have to go to the bathroom!" and someone goes to take her and she won't put her shoes on. She was a mess And all the nurses and doctors are trying to figure out how she got there and what they should do with her now because all she came in for was heartburn. I told K-Dawg she better quit buying purses all the time or that's her future, but I was jk. But she does have TONS of purses.

This is getting really long so I'll sum it up. Kelsey gets there and we've been waiting for like an hour and I still haven't been paid any attention. So I start videotaping the old lady just so I can prove the insanity of this ghetto hospital and the male nurse that looks like he just came in off the sreet comes to give me my drugs yells at me for videotaping in ER, but I played it totally cool, like I really wasn't. He gave me a steriod and Benadryl straight to the veins and I was getting so sleepy, but so pumped at the same time, but Kels told me that I'd better not work out for a while so I don't bulk up. Thank goodness my once a month workout was already over. Whew! That was a close one.

We were there for like four hours when it was only supposed to be an hour and I basically healed myself afterI threw up. I have no idea what made me allergic. And the nurse told me I look like Hilary Duff. Does Hilary have a huge face and eyes so puffy that she looks Chinese? I haven't seen her for a while. I shoulda played it off like I was Hilary, then they could send her my bill and I woulda been out of there WAY faster. Seriously I could have been working in Chinatown and no one would have suspected a thing. I've been to Hunan enough to know how they talk.

You like? Is very nice. I give you forty-fi($45), speshah price juss for you. No? How much shu want? twenny-fi($25)? How bou twenny-A ($28)? Is my price, is my price.

So seriously here's to you kimbe222. I'll never take your infinite wisdom for granted again. Unless I think you're wrong. :)

I'm Back Baby!

2008-10-07T12:18:00.003-06:00

Ok so, I'm back from the Big City and it was a blast!!! A mini personal vaca was exactly what I needed. I should take those more often. I don't have a lot of time to post about the trip because I have to leave worky in a few, but I made a smile box and I'll post about it tomorrow.

Enjoy peeps!

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

My Most Useful Egg, Until I Make Babies

2008-09-24T14:26:00.001-06:00

Ok so those of you who know me up close and personal know that my feet aren't anything to lust over .... until now.

Thanks to this Beauty my feet are completely transformed. Someone who has a foot fetish would pay me to be sucking on my toes. I got mine at Sally's and they're only 10 bucks so if you have dry disguisting feet, get one. You'll be amazed. Not much else is going on. I'm still having camera problems or I would blog about cooler stuff, but this will have to do for now.

K Guys Don't Be Jealous, But.......

2008-09-09T15:24:00.001-06:00

I'm Going To New York B*tches!

That's right, I just booked my flight. Go ahead... ask me to buy you a purse.

Do you believe in the Boogey Man?

2008-09-08T11:16:00.002-06:00

Here's what's goin on in my life lately.

First: I do believe in the boogey man. We had a close encounter last week and I've been sleeping on my couch with the lights on ever since. Actually not even my couch. I make people sleep in the same room with me (thanks peeps) and they get the couch and I get the loveseat. So if this post is a little weird I can't help it. I'm runnin on fumes here people.

Second: I helped Derrick move last weekend and most of you who know me know that I'm huge ( I think it runs in the family :) ) and like way tough so I thought carrying a microwave from point A to point B would be no problem. Well I must have underestimated how much force my hugeness puts things down with.... no screaming, nor swearing, nor crying was heard from me... out loud anyway.

And last, but not least

Third:

A Tribute to Master Beta

Some of you know him and some of you don't,but this is Master Beta and I believe he's on his last fin. Derrick and I bought him last Memorial Day and he's our love fish and if he dies.... *tear* our love dies! He's been a real trooper so far, but lately he just lays on the bottom of his tank or up on the top of his plant. I even bought him freeze dried blood worms because I know he loves worms, but he refuses to eat them. Maybe he needs a girlfriend...

So here's to you Master. I'll miss putting spoons in front of your face and watching your cheeks blow up and putting ice cubes in your water and watching you freak. I'm sorry about the time I was trying to get you out of your home and I dropped you on the floor. My piercing shrieks as I watched you flop around helplessly probably didn't help, but Derrick saved you and
you've seemed fine for the past few months, but now... you're just not the same. It's heart breaking because I just don't know what to do. I've thought about flushing you to put you out of your misery, but no! I won't give up on you! Pull through buddy! Pull through!

Do you know him? Does he call you at home?

2008-09-04T09:28:00.001-06:00

Ok so I don't have my pics back yet, but I wanted to blog about the joys of working in customer service. Particularly the joys of answering incoming phone calls. I love it when people ask me questions that make me wonder if the whole world is mentally challenged. For example...

me: Good morning! How may I direct your call?
customer: To Peter, please
me: He's on his phone right now, would you like his voicemail?
cusomer: No, I need to talk to him

Let's take a break for some commentary. Seriously, what kind of option do you think that answer leaves me with? Should I disguise my voice and pretend like I'm Peter so you feel like you're talking to him? Would that make you people happy?!!! So I answer like this...

me (still calm and collected): Well you could hold for a minute if you'd like.
customer: *sigh (so huge and exasperated that if a small dog were nearby it would blow away)* I guess.
me after a minute or so: He's still on the phone. Would you like to continue to hold?
customer: Well, do you know how long he'll be?

Hmmm.... Do you even know how long you'll be? Did you think you'd be on hold waiting to speak to Peter for this long? Nope ya didn't! But if you were wondering how you've suddenly put on those extra 20 pounds I'd be more than happy to tell you it's because you're difficult on the phone. You'd rather waste 5 minutes on hold and be irritated while you're munchin on your Doritos and swiggin a Pepsi than take a voicemail and use that extra time run a lap around your cubicle or do some butt clenches. Whew! Didn't see that one comin' did ya?! Life's full of curve balls, isnt it! So how the Helen Keller do you expect me to know how long someone else will be on the phone for? If you are a person who asks this question please stop. And really, I get asked this question enough that I'm thinking of putting mini shock collars on everyones phones and when 5 minutes is up I'll push a button that will shock the crap out of them so that they're forced to hang up. Then I'll have you're answer!

me (not calm at all cuz I've had it with dumb effers that day): I have no idea how long he'll be on the phone for. I don't know who he's talking to or what they're taking about. So you can hold or you can go to his voicemail. Those are your options.
customer: Uh... I'll take his voicemail.
me: Ok! One moment please.

And some of you may think I'm over exaggerating, but I'm dead serious. Nothing irritates me more that the "How long will he be" phone question. I understand that the customer really does need to speak to Peter, but he doesn't need to act like he's the #1 priority. I'm sure this isn't life or death. I work at a car dealership, not a hospital.

Baaaah! A new post. Are you excited?

2008-09-03T14:46:00.000-06:00

So, it's been a month, and no it's not because I'm "So Super Busy" like lots of people claim to be. It's just because I can't get my pics from my camera to upload onto my ghetto work computer so I'm going to Wal-Mart tonight and getting them on a CD so I can make a real post. WHOOPEE! I can't even explain to you how frustrating it is to download your cameras software to like 3 computers and have none of them detect a camera when you plug it in. Freakin work computers. So all you stalkers (thats right, I know who you are) and haters who've got the message acrossed to me in one form or another just to say that I suck at blogging can try to walk a mile in my 4 inch high heel size 6 shoes. For most of you that means exruciating pain, but for me that's life baby. That's life.

Random Facts

2008-08-04T13:37:00.001-06:00

My sister Brittni tagged me, but I don't really have anyone else to tag so if you read my blog and you want to do the tag, but I didn't officially "tag" you, go ahead and do it anyway and just say that it was me. I am supposed to say 6 random things about myself.

1. I think I am the least creative/craftsy/decorating person there ever was. My parents have the home movies to prove it. Here's the scene... I'm 6 or 7 and I"m having a b-day party. My mom made copies of a little ballerina bear for all of us to decorate and she got out sparkles and markers and glue and all of it. Everyone else gets started on their project and the camera zooms in on my face. Terror. What sparkles should I use? Will this color match this color? What if Brooke and Ashley and Trisa and Lisa and Brianne and Channy's are all way cuter than mine and they see how ugly mine is and they don't want to be my friend anymore. Guess who the last person at the table is... :(

2. I made deep fried twinkies last night. It sounds disguisting, but they actually aren't bad. You just roll them in batter, deep fry em, sprinkle some powdered sugar on, add some berry sauce or jam if you like and feed your face. They tasted like a funnel cake with melty vanilla stuff. And they're way healthy. Probably only like 26 points if you're doing Weight Watchers.

3. No matter where I live, I hate to be there. Good roomies, bad roomies, or no roomies I'd rather be anywhere but my own house.

4. I've never been stung by a bee, but I did get stung by a sting ray last summer.

5. When I read the Twilight books I did not fall in love with Edward. I know... I know... I've been repenting and hopefully I'll be able to take the sacrament again next week. I had a very hot visual of him in my head, (until they cast that Harry Potter guy for the Mooovie) but he was just too know it all, smarty pants for me. I guess if you've been around for hundreds of years you probably do know it all, but still.

6. I must be clothes concious because it seems like I always remember what I wearing on certain days. These are some days when I know exactly what I was wearing: *the day I bought my car *the day I met Derrick *the day I got my wisdom teeth out *the 2nd time I ate sushi *the last time I went country dancing with Kelsey... I could go on, but all of these days range from 1-7 years ago. Is that weird?

Horn Beepers and Unpaid Whores

2008-07-28T12:08:00.001-06:00

When I drive to one my places of employment, a car is frequently there with a big sticker in the rear window that says "If You're Going to Ride My A**, at Least Pull My Hair" in pink letters and then there are little lip prints by it. I also know a girl that had a bumper sticker that said "My Last Ride Was Your Missionary" I'm thinking of buying bumper stickers that say "Got Crabs?" and sticking them next to the other stickers on these cars. Maybe they have them at Joe's Crab Shack. Can you imagine all the scattered A that's been in those seats? Blech! I'd rather walk until my feet fell off than ride in the backseat of one of those cars. If you're a girl and you wanna sleep around that's fine, but there's no need to label yourself unless you're a hooker and you're gettin paid the big bucks.

I'm a fan of the Honk if you Heart Jesus bumper sticker because people may think you're kind of corny and stupid if you have that on your car, but at least you're labeling yourself as a lover of the Savior instead of a white trash slut. If everyone who loved Jesus honked at those bumper stickers there would be mass confusion on the highways and then the guy driving the minivan starts getting irritated because everyone is honking at him and he has no idea why so he starts screaming profanities and flipping people off with his 5 kids in the backseat spilling their fries and root beers EVERYWHERE and that would totally ruin the message he's trying to convey with his bumper sticker. Let's see if we can't make the world a better place by continuing to keep our honks to ourselves and staying off that girls A, unless you want to end up running around the Walmart aisles looking for that blue cream that Bret Michaels swears by.

Meat Chunks on Shiny Sticks are the Devil!

2008-07-25T11:44:00.000-06:00

leads to...
On Wednesday Derrick (b/f) got some tickets from his work to go down to a Bee's game, so we got some friends together and headed down to Salt Lake. We figured we had plenty of time to eat and catch some of the game so we went to Rodizio's and let me tell you if you've never been there and you're a meat lover, this is the place for you. They don't really even have a menu you just get a salad bar and they bring around 16 different kinds of meat nonstop until you tell them you don't want anymore. If I was on the Sound of Music and they asked me to add one of my favorite things to their song, food would be at the top of the list, so naturally I was prepping myself for the best dining experience of my life. As you can see from the pic above it didn't turn out the way I'd planned. A $25 plate literally down the toilet and I'll probably be a vegetarian for at least the next week. There were 6 of us and I'm the only one that got food poisoning. So, if you you go there, don't be scared. The odds are in your favor. I was sick on the 24th so I got to experience what the pioneers felt after they ate some buffalo that had sat out in the sun too long. The only difference is I have the convenience of indoor plumbing and I got to watch TV insted of having to walk in blistering heat while I was puking my guts out. So humbling.

Dinner took so long that we missed most of the game, but when we were driving by a foul ball flew into the street and almost hit our truck so we turned around, hopped out, and ran to pick it up. Some snot faced 10 year old thought he would do the same thing. We just revved the engine and told him if he even thought about touching that ball to kiss his fat little legs goodbye. At least we got a little piece of the action. (I'm jk about the little kid. We were the only ones that even saw the ball. Calm down.)

First Post Interview

2008-07-21T17:26:00.001-06:00

For my first post I decided to give myself a little Q&A. I'll be asking the Q's and answering the A's just so no one gets confused.

Disclaimer: This post contains what some would call potty words and may not be suitable for all readers.

Thank you so much for inviting me to sit at your desk for this interview Ashley. So, I'll just start with the question that's on everyones mind. Why did you start a blog?

Well Ashley, thanks to you for coming, and you could do me a favor and suck in a little more while you're here. Not that I'm trying to be rude, its just that I've heard rumors that chunky receptionists aren't pleasing to the eye here, and they might get their hours cut back, or even worse "laid off".

Oh I guess I'll have to bust out some cardio and some crunches before the next interview then, and since we're being honest about appearances right now, your hair looks like crap.

Well for your information, I woke up late. But back to the question. I felt it was only fair that since a great portion of my work day is spent blog stalking I might as well try to contribute something to the blogging community and it's also a nice way to journal.

Fascinating... So why did you choose blackchicken-honey for your url?

When I was little and I loved pot roast, but I thought it was black chicken, so I gave that as a middle name to myself. I was Ashley Black Chicken Lyn Anderson. And Honey is just a nickname my brother would call me when he was just a youngun and it's always stuck with my family and family friends. And obviously I'm not married so my url couldn't be like Ashleyandsoandso.blogspot.com. I mean lets get real here.

Marriage! It's so funny you would bring that up because I was just about to ask: Why aren't you married?

I don't know. Why aren't you dead? Seriously the next person that asks me that is going to get kicked in the crotch. Maybe I'll just start saying it's because my boyfriend and I are swingers, and if you're a swinger that means you're immoral, and if you're immoral, you can't go to the temple. And then when people are reading the Leader or the HJ and see that you're not going through the temple, you're talked about behind your back and you're an outcast to society. So I'm not married because I swing. So, newsflash to you! If it doesn't concern you, mind your own business.

Ok psycho. Can you even be a swinger if you're not married? And if your life doesn't concern other people, why are you starting a blog? And why are you even doing this interview? Aren't interviews all about asking questions that aren't other peoples business?

Quit trying to contradict ourselves! Just ask another question.

Ok, what's your sign baby?

I'm a taurus which means I can be stubborn, but I'm also easygoing and not one to pick a fight. I'm also not fond of change and I prefer comfortable, creative settings and objects. Oh yeah and you shouldn't cross me or the wrath will be known... no big whoop right? I bet this is getting boring... are you done yet?

Hold on let's jump to something more interesting, oh here's an FAQ. Just how big are your boobs now, and are they real?

Wow, interestingly enough I get that question asked about as much as the marriage one. A guy that had my phone number text me once and said "girl, what size is your chest?" And I gave him a piece of my mind. Thank goodness for text messaging or I probably wouldn't have had the guts to say anything. Then I dumped a bottle of hand sanitizer on my phone. Anyway in the words of the Seinfeld lady "They're real and they're spectacular" Size is not a fact that needs to be called to anyones attention. Just know that I haven't found a decent fitting swimming suit for 2 years and they're spectacular enough to make my back hurt. Don't be jealous.

I'm not. I think they make you look fat.

Too true, too true. So much for sucking in. Well I think I'm done with questions for today. If anyone else has any that they would like me to answer feel free to ask and Happy Stalking!