HONEEEEY!!!!!!!

When I was a youngster my mom and dad would call me honey.

"Honey, rub my feet."

"Will you change your brothers diaper, honey?"

"Honey, get over here, fan my face, and feed me grapes while I watch Young and the Restless."

You see what I mean.

So, when my wee brother started learning names he called me honey. He couldn't get down the stairs all alone, so he would stand at the stairs and scream: HONEEEEYYY, HONEEEEEY!!!!!! I would come running, push him down the stairs, and have a good laugh.

My parents neighbors even call me honey. The name just kind of stuck.

Now, I am about to tell you a sad story. Lately I've been suffering. Every morning I look in the mirror, start to cry, and turn away in disgust.

I've been cursed with...

ADULT ACNE! and FLAKY DISGUSTING SKIN

WAAAHHHH!

I know, I know. I live the. hardest. life. ever.

Since facial death has fallen upon my face I've been frequenting makeupalley.com to find a cure. It turns out honey will be my saving grace.

And the choir sings!!!

I've been slathering this on my face for 15-20 minutes a couple times a week. Then Derrick licks it off while I shout praises to the queen bee and her hive. Hello pre-pubescent skin!

I also use it as a spot treatment for any zits that do happen to pop up. Even yucky chest zits. The next morning they are gone! It's a miracle for sheezy.

If you decide to give this a try you have to use raw honey. None of that crap in the bear bottle. If you have any questions, your Chinese friends at your local health food store should be able to help you out. Have a rice day!

(Yeah that's right. This is all I have to blog about. And I'm not going private. I'm an overreactor and I'm just not that big of a deal yet.)

Private Yay or Private Nay...

I'm going to give you the story...

Derrick has an ex girlfriend that he broke up
with about 6 or 7 years ago.
She's married with a child now, but apparently

her mom just can't seem to let it go.

She's Derrick's wanna be mother in law.

She has given him a card on his bday every year
since I've known him.

She doesn't send it in the mail because she knows
Derrick's mom will throw it in the

garbage when she sees it is from.

So... how does she remedy this problem?

She goes to his parents house and actually puts it in the mailbox!
How creeptastic is that?!

She also decided to do a little drive by
to deilver our wedding gift.

She probably saw our announcement in the paper and
hid out at our reception the whole night and
then followed us home. It honestly wouldn't even
phase me at this point.

So, the other day I open my Facebook account
and lo and behold the creeper strikes again!

She actually stalked me out on Facebook and sent
me a message asking me to tell Derrick

that she was thinking about
him on his birthday (WOW! That's a shocker!)
and that she hopes he has a great year!

Ummm.. can you say innapropriate and uneccessary?

And then she said that she's so happy he found his perfect match, 'you'.

What the freak is up with the quotations?

Please reference this friends episode:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mUlLX46gss8

Who does she think she is air quoting me like that?

So anyway am I overreacting?
Was I too hasty with the going private thing?
I'd like to go private, but at the same time
it just seems like it will be such a pain!

Oooh maybe I could not go private and just

have cute code names for us...
Like, Derrick could be Pooky Lover Bunz,

I would be Sugar Nipples

(sweet and sassy at the same time!),

and maybe if I birth a boy his code name

could be Mr. Dumps Like a Champ!

I would still put up pictures of us,

blog about recent birthdays,
have friends and family on my sidebar etc.. because
it's not like any of those things could give
away the B family's anonymity! LOLZ

Chances are she doesn't even know I have a blog,
and if she does maybe now she'll get the hint...
or my husband will get kidnapped

and I'll be murdered!

So, what do YOU think?

Any words of wisdom/opinions that anyone can
offer would be great!

Stocked and Skurred for My Babies!

Um, someone is stockeen me and I'm not
all that comfy with it. :(

I think my stocker has serious baby napping potential.

So, I'm going private fur real.
Leave me your email if you read my blog!
Don't be embarrassed because chances are
that I read your blog too!

Thanks peeps!

I'm It!

Natty Bo Batty tagged me.

I am to answer 8 questions and then I tag 8 peeps with 8 different questions that I make up. The sad news is that I don't really think I have 8 friends who blog anymore. I probably didn't even have 8 friends to begin with.

Don't feel bad for me.
Who needs friends when I can and totally do
have out loud conversations with

myself on a regular basis?
It's all good!

What is your favorite TV show?

I have two.
Friends and The Office.
I'm not even going to beat around
the bush on that one.
(that's what she said)

What is one thing you would change if you could go back to your high school years?

I guess if I could go back and change something,
I would have been potty trained once and for all!
(It just feels like it's too late to learn now, ya know?!)

REALLY though, I did some pretty stupid things to

hurt friends and family that I wish I could take back,
but I've done my best to make my peace.
You live and you learn.

What is on your Christmas list this year?

Oh Christmas... I've been so excited all year long!
Why? I have no idea.

I can't even put up a Christmas tree this year
because our apartment is so stupid and tiny.
I'm still excited though!

All I've wanted for months and months is a vacation,
but it turns out I married a money nazi!
No vacay for you!
So, I'll be good with clothes that
I won't be able fit into sooner than later
because of my expanding belly.

NOT AN ANNOUNCEMENT

Just prepping myself.

Name something that always makes you happy.

Twilight!!!
It's like porno for my emotions.
Not really. I'm just trying to fit in!

My real answer is...
Food, for sure.
I'm talkin the good stuff.
None of this candy schmandy crap.
To be honest I'm more excited for
Thanksgiving than Christmas.

Nothing says I want to make you happy more than a
plump hamburger laden with juicy bacon and a side

of fat squishy fries waiting to be

immersed in fry sauce.

Nothing.

If you won a billion dollars what would you do with it?

I would probably croak before I got to

spend a dime of it.
That just seems to be the way things go.

But just in case I didn't...
I would buy lots and lots of houses,

flying lessons, and a plane.
Then I would travel my butt off with Derelict!
Houses on beaches, cabins in the mountains,

a hut in Africa, a castle in India

a teepee on the reservation...
You name it, I bought it!

If you had three wishes, what would you wish for?

1. That no one would ever go hungry.

2. To be surrounded by stupid people no more!

3. To have a happy family forever.

What is your favorite food in the whole wide world?

I've been stuck on this question for 20 minutes and counting....

Ding ding ding!!!

My desk is covered in drool. It's a tie between
that burger I just had a love affair with in question
four, sushi, and Costa Vida sweet pork.

If you could go anywhere in the world, all expenses paid...
Where would you go?

Africa!
I have a lion fetish.
One could eat me and I wouldn't even be mad.

I doubt anyone will do this, BUT...
I tag
Brittni, Angela, Kim C., Keri A., Cheyanne,
Shelsie, Chelsea, and Kami L.

Your new questions are:

What is your most embarrassing moment?

Who, what, where, when, and how was your first kiss?

What is your favorite movie?

If you only had 24 hours left to live, how would you spend it?

What is your favorite thing to do to relax?

What is your biggest pet peeve?

Do you have a "list"
(you know, a hibbity dibbity one)
If so, who is on it?

What is something that always makes you happy?

Have fun guys!

Let Me Just Crawl in a Hole and Die

I thought my blog was kind of depressing last time.
So, I thought I'd give you something to point and laugh at today.

Embarrassing Moment #213

I'm in 4th-ish grade.
I'm awkward and skinny and snotty nosed.
All that is pretty much the same

except for the skinny part.

My mom signs me up for a modeling class,
maybe she thought it would boost my self esteem.
Ok.

All the pretty girls I dance with are there.
Insecurity steps up to the plate.
and it is a bad MoFO.
So bad that I'm too afraid to ask if I can use the

restroom because peeing is gross.
I don't want the pretty girls to know I urinate!

The model teacher asks me to get up and
practice the model walk.
Unfortunately for me, in order to

walk this walk you CAN'T have your hand

over your privates AND you have to SEPARATE
your legs from each other.

Oh yeah, and remember skorts?
I'm wearing one.
It's not even a concealing color.
It's denim.

I take step one,
I'm a supermodel!

Step two,
Legs are trembling...

Step three,
Pee is trickling down the legs...

Step four,
My bladder *EXPLODES*

I freeze, look down,
and pray that it will stop.
I guess I'm just not that lucky.

The model teacher runs to me and
rushes me to the bathroom.

I lock myself in the stall and cry
like a baby who still pees her pants.

Good thing I learned my lesson...
BAAAAhaha!
Not even close.
I still pee my pants.
It's been a couple years though!
I'm keepin my fingers crossed!!
(and my legs)

Embarrassing Moment #578

New Years Day 2006

I'm obsessed with DDR.
If you don't know what DDR is you're lame
and I shouldn't even explain, but I will.
DDR stands for
Dance Dance Revolution
**cough*loser*cough**

Fist pump to everyone who knew
what I was abbreviating!

Anyway the night before we had a rockin
80's party in L-town.

I stayed at the house we partied at with my
BFF Kelsey. The next morning I bust my DDR
mats out of my trunk for a little competition.
Yes, I kept them in my trunk.
Boooya! Chest Bump!

This home we stayed at is housed by many boys.
I know, I know, I'm a sinner!

All I had was my 80's outfit and it wasn't
DDR comp material, so I borrowed
some shorts from one of the fellas.

Let the dancing begin!!!

I'm rockin out to one of my fave songs
when two boys who don't live there show up.
I pay them no attention because I'm in the zone.

Prepare to judge me harshly.

It should be noted that at this time
in my life I wasn't big on wearing underwear?!
Don't ask me why!!

I blame it dancing and massage school.
You could never wear undies with tights
and spandex AND I had to get naked
everyday at school and underwear
was just one more thing to put on
and take off.

One of the boys who shows

up has a video camera rolling.
The other boy runs over pulls on my shorts and...
HOLY SHIZ, MOTHER FRICK

I've been depansted!!!!

And I'm still jumping...

my shorts are down to my ankles and
my white booty is bouncing for all to see.

I still thank my lucky stars that everyone in the room

was sitting behind me instead of in front of me.

I made sure the video was destroyed,

but just in case I did not name names on purpose.

So there's no need to go looking for it

OK?! Ok.

About To Be Estrogen Free!!!

Remember this post?
Yeah. It did me in.

This post will probably be TMI for some of you,
but I'm having a pity party so deal with it.

I had surgery last Friday on my woman parts.
They found endometriosis.
Or in my gyno's words
"A bunch of shit. This is really shitty. Shit, shit, shit."
I love him.

So basically if I ever want kids I have to start
making them today.
OR
I can go on a shot that will cause my body to
go through a temporary menopause.

I'm getting the shot.
3 months min
6 months max

Next time I blog I'll probably be doing it in a pool of
sweat and tears because I just had my first
hot flash and I'm only 24.

It gets better.
After the shot I start making babies.

After the first baby is born
I get back on the wagon to make another one.

No time inbetween.
And I repeat that until I'm a

tubbalard on meds,

with a minivan, and have my
desired amount of mouths to feed
and butts to change.

AND THEN
I get to have a hysterectomy.

Derrick will probably leave me.

I'm already certifiable.
They'll find me one day;
diapers all around me, crap up my arms
and throw up in my hair, with a kid attached
having a suckle of my zipple.
I'll be crying hysterically
and they'll take me away and put me
in an institution.

So say goodbye to the Ashley you knew.

Welcome the new Ashley who has a
cheesebuger at every meal to eat away her
depressed menopausal, soon to be prego
all the time, and then
without a uterus feelings.

The end.

PS - Don't call the WAAAHHmbulance on me

I know things could be worse, but
I just feel like being a baby.

Um... Yum

I made BOMB Cheesecake Factory Salads a while ago.
I'm using the restaurant picture because
I don't take pictures of my
food. I lived in a basement with no light.
That's right people I said LIGHT
it's important.

(for all you "pro" photographers with a dslr, yeah I'm talking to you, you can't just point it at people, click the button, photoshop the pic to death, and say you have a business because you bought a fancy camera. Sorry to crush your perverted dreams of snapping pics of naked babies with headband flowers as big as Dolly Parton's woohoos...)

Now, now that rant wasn't meant to offend anyone that I love.

I was screwed by someone with a fancy camera

and photoshop once and because

it was an unwilling screw, I have issues.

Moving on!!!

Cheesecake Factory Barbecue Ranch Chicken Salads

Ingredients:
1 Rotisserie chicken
1 Cup of your fave bbq sauce
Romaine Lettuce
Frozen Corn thawed
Cucumber slices
1 can black beans rinsed and drained
Avacado chunks or slices
Ranch Dressing
bbq sauce
Fried onion strings

I used this recipe for my onion strings
http://thepioneerwoman.com/cooking/2008/03/onion-strings-oh-yeah-baby/

Shred chicken and mix with 1 cup bbq sauce.
Put lettuce on a plate and top with corn, cucumber,
black beans, avacado, and shredded chicken.
For the dressing mix equal parts of bbq sauce and ranch
or if that sounds sick to you, just use plain ranch.
Top salad with dressing and onion strings and
prepare to stuff your face with goodness!

A Ghost, In the Kitchen, With an AntiKnockUpressant!!

Ummm ok this is gonna be weird, but I just gotta get it out there.

This is my birth control

Yes it still works, no I'm not pregnant.

BUT see how the last Monday of the month is missing...

Yeah that's how I found it on Monday night.

Weird???

And notice, when I take out a pill the clear plastic is

dented, but there is no dent in the plastic

on the missing Monday.

Now there is no logical explination for this that I can
even fathom.

So here's what I've come up with...

1. Someone stole it.
Not likely, but I guess it could happen.
Maybe someone thought it was
like a morning after pill

2. It's a sign from above.
I'm supposed to skip that pill, become a
baby mama to Derrick,
and a boob slave to my posterity, but
you'd think if that were the case it would just
happen on it's own.
Like Mary the virgin child...
except it'd be like
Ashley the married skank

3. A ghost took it.
which would be pointless because
don't girl ghosts know they can't get
pregnant because boy ghosts have
"Holloweenies"
HAHAHA!
(yeah it's a Halloween joke we used to tell in

high school and it just never gets old.)

This is the one I'm sticking with.
because I believe in ghosts and
I think the evil ones are out to destroy my life.

So when I go to the pharmacist begging him for
a free Monday pill what story makes me
sound the least crazy?

1...2... or 3...
We shall see!

The wheels is spinning

I've had a couple requests to come alive

in blogland and my boss

is gone today, so here I am.

Thoughts...

My new last name could sound kind of hispanic.
Plurally prounounced: Bow/deen/ez
If Derrick ever makes me get a van

I'll make it an Astro and
I'm putting "Bodines" gold vinyl on my rear window.
And when my possy sees it, they'll be like
"Ay!! There go da Bowdeenez!
Mucho love for da Bowdeenez!!!"

That's right you mess with one of us

and you're messin with us all.

I HATE my fake laugh.
Every time I do it, I cringe.
I need a new one.
Or I could just be a weeotch and not
laugh when I really don't think something is funny
What do you think?
I just usually do it at work.
Is it more important to keep up the PR or just be me?

Old Navy bites the weenie
I went there the other day and I swear
they could make such cute clothes, but then the

designers are like
nah... this is too cute
let's throw this unicorn striped ruffle on it and
then it will be all sensually subliminal
because the ruffles make it look
like the unicorns are doing it.

I only say that because that's how I think

clothing designers think.
At least they'll get some recognition with that kind of thinking
because only people who are on People Of Walmart
will actually buy that crap.

Speaking of Walmart
almost every time I go there I get called Ma'am
or stalked by uncaucasian
(not being racist, just stating the facts)
college kids until they avert their eyes

from my lovely lady lumps (aka private parts)

and see a ring.
Ugh! It's like I'm in that Britney Spears song
I'm Not a Girl, Not yet a Woman
but it's more like
I'm not A-vailable, Not yet a Ma'am
Ya feel me?

Speaking of Music...
Tonight I'm going to a Mo-Tab Pioneer concert.
We're taking out lighters,
My sister isn't going to wear a bra,
and I'm going to throw my G bottoms on
stage!!! WOO, PANTIES!!!!
Yeah, I might go to hell for that,
but so are you because

A - that made you smile or B - you're judging me.
So, see ya there!
Have a good one!

LMAO

So, I came to work today and it's Monday.
Woot! Not.

But then my friend who sits by me decided to tell me

a story, and it made my day.
I'll share it with you.

So, my friend at work has some friends who have some friends.
And they have a son who is special needs.
We'll call him John.

John is about 28 years old and decided recently that he
wants to live on his own.
So he got an apartment close to his family and he's been there
for about a month.

On St. Patricks Day he called his dad FRANTIC!!!

John: "Dad!! Dad, you have to come over right now!"

Dad: "Why, what's going on?"

John: "There's a troll in my house and he's gonna get me!! Leave work right now, you have to come over!!"

Dad: "I can't leave work for two hours, so you're just going to have to wait."

Dad is thinking someone is probably just dressed up like a leprechaun outside or something.

So then John calls his sister and says, "You HAVE to have dad come over to my house to get rid of this troll!"

Dad calls back and says,

"John, you're just going to have to wait for two hours."

So John waits.

Dad gets there and John races him to his room.
Dad sees that John has put everything he could in front of the closet.
His dresser, his kitchen table and chairs, books... everything.

He can hear something in there, so he starts
moving all of the stuff out of the way.

He opens the door and there's a midget in the closet!!!

He was a door knocker for the Jehovah's Witnesses.

So when John opened the door to this poor midget, he picked him up and shoved him into his closet.

Talk about a freakin crack up.
:)