Speak Eva, Speak!

This is how Eva was talking for like a week. She didn't do  it very good on the video, but this is the best I could do! :)

Raindrops on Roses and Whiskers on Kittens

Preface: When you read the favorite things editions, you must read/think in a British accent because that is the voice I typed it in. 

Hello, and welcome all to the first edition on my favorite things. Today's topic will be my favorite baby things. Fitting, no?


I have been a mother for five months, so obviously I'm an expert. And because I have a wealth of knowledge and a crap load of friends that will be pushing babies out of their poor va-jay-jay's soon, I thought I'd share a few things that have saved the single shred of sanity that I have left. 


Tons of people tell me that they feel overwhelmed when shopping for their first baby. Here's are some tips you might find helpful:


 ***Avoid Babies R Us like the plague! A sick, puss filled, oozing,  hacking plague. I didn't step foot in Babies R Us until I was 8 months pregnant. We already had everything we needed and we were broke, so I only had a teeny urge to spend our life savings.***


***Wait until AFTER your baby shower to buy toys, clothes, burp cloths, bibs, blankets, etc. This is a tough one, but it can be done!***


***Borrow, Borrow, Borrow! And if you can't borrow it, buy it used and sanitize the shiz out of it! It doesn't make you stingy. It means you're smart. Baby stuff only lasts so long, takes up a lot of space, and is EXPENSIVE. There are tons of people on KSL trying to get rid of their baby crap.***
  

*The Straight Jacket* 
(It's actually called the SwaddleMe, but let's call  a spade a spade)


Why it saved our lives - It keeps the baby swaddled which provides them with comfort and a looooooooong nights sleep (10-12 hrs for my bambina), It keeps the baby warm, You don't have to worry about the baby becoming unswaddled and suffocating like you will with a regular blanket.


The only hard thing about this was trying to ween her off of it. The night I took it away I swear she woke up 10 times. It turns out I was taking it away too early. I gave her another month and tried again and now she's sleeping just fine.  

*White Noise*


Everything I read said white noise would help babies sleep longer, and because I'm a sleep whore I had to investigate. I found this little gem of a site that lets you download white noise MP3's.
http://cantonbecker.com/music/white-noise-sleep-sounds/mp3s.php
I downloaded them on my iPod, put that sucker on repeat, and play it in her room all night long. Way cheaper than buying a $50 noise machine! (are you still reading with an accent?)

*The SnotSucker*


Don't vomit.Being a mother is gross, you just need to accept it and get over it. This thing is the bomb DOT com. If you don't believe me look up the reviews on Amazon.  

*The JJ Cole Carseat Blanket*


The reasons why I love this are three fold. It keeps Eva warm and snuggly, I don't have to take a blanket everywhere I go, and because she has a severe pooping problem and sometimes it leaks out of her pants and everything. SO SICK! Anyway, this has been great because when poop disaster strikes, I don't have to tear apart the whole carseat to clean it. I just have to wash the blanket. SCORE! 

 *Hyland's Teething Tablets*


The Diva is still toothless, but I can tell when her gums hurt (or I just want her to shutup so I drug her). I had a few people recommend these teething tablets to me, so i gave them a shot. They are all natural, dissolvable, magical, and available at your local Wal-Mart. 

*The Bath Sponge*


This is a muy bueno alternative to a plastic tub because it was only $8, it just looks pretty comfy, and it doesn't take a lot of space to store it. I make sure and put a wash cloth under her booty, just in case!

The Freakin Weekend

Here's The Cute, The Good, The Wonderful, The Awesome, The Bad, The Ugly, and the Terrible.... And a weird dream story.


The Cute - Eva's hair. She has some rough weekends.

The Good - Eva rolled over from her front to her back like a bajillion times. She did it twice back in January, but hasn't since. This is her "I know how to get 'er done" face.

 The Wonderful - Derrick got to spend the whole weekend with us! That literally hasn't happened since I calved in the hospital. We got to take naps, and eat dinner together, go on a drive, and hang with some friends. That might sound lame to you, but it was neato to me.  

The Awesome -  I finally won something on Ebay! I've been trying forev, but freakin' fetchers keep outbidding me! It's a swimsuit for Eva. Brand new for $7.60. Woop!

The Ugly - Eva has acid reflux. I got done feeding her yesterday, picked her up and kissed her cuteness. She totally threw up in my mouth. It was absolutely disgusting. I had baby puke in my mouth, running down my chin, in my hair, everywhere! On the plus side, it wasn't chunky and breast milk doesn't taste too bad! No pictures of this disaster. Sorry.

The Terrible - We talked to one of our future neighbors and he told us he killed seven rattlesnakes last year. That's right SEVEN RATTLESNAKES. He said one was four feet long and had eleven rattles. I'm skurred. 

The Dream - This didn't happen this weekend, but I thought it was worth sharing since rattlesnakes are obviously going to plague my existence. Ever since my boobies started making milk I can feel little vibrations in them. Well, one night I dreamed that I swallowed two rattlesnakes and they both slithered into each boob. Then, when they would shake their rattles that's what would make my boobs vibrate. WTFreak right?! So weird. 

Blog Revival!!!

NEWSFLASH!!!

Having a baby is rough.

I'm talking kick you in the crotch rough.
And that's pretty much literal depending on which way you deliver.

So, please excuse the lack of blogging, because apparently I'm not the type who can just "bounce back". I still have a hard time making it to the grocery store before 5:00 and Eva is three months old!

 It seriously took me two days to write this. Bla. I'm in a writing rut. Let's see some pictures that prove I have birthed a Diva.

Exhibit A: She was born with highlights.

Exhibit B: She poses herself when she sleeps.

Exhibit C: She tans.

Exhibit D: She knows how to be dramatic

Exhibit D: She clutches her binki holder like a purse.

And Exhibit E: Here she is practicing for her debut in the chubby version of Dirty Dancing.

"Nobody puts baby in a corner"

If you're happy and you know it clap your (fat )hands!

I don't have much to say, but I need something to do so I'm jotting down some LOL's from the peeps in my life lately. Maybe they will make you laugh. Maybe you had to be there.

"Any of the ones that might even look attractive are all full of styrofoam!"
- My Grandma Babe talking about boobs.

"I knew they were jackin us off!"
-Someones mom talking about shopping

"Oh, is that where they all got sent to those penetration camps?"
-My BFF talking about the holocaust

"Ok, I'll have a number 2 and I want it doggy style"
- My work friend trying to order her burger at In N Out

And here's a prego update.

1- There is no ladylike way to get out of a car in a dress when you're 8 months pregnant. If anyone has been watching me today I know for a fact that they got a nice garment peep show because I'm not even attempting to make my car exits pretty.

2 - I will no longer leave the water running when I brush my teeth because every night when I try to heave myself from bed to pee for the bajillionth time, I have more and more sympathy for beached whales. SAVE THE WHALES PEOPLE!

3- My fingers are so swollen! I hate it. It looks like I have 5 teeny weenies on each hand. Everytime I look down at them I swear it's like looking at some weird homo porno. Who wants a special handshake?!

4 - I quit faking it last week. No, I'm not talking about the sexuals. I'll keep you guessing on that one. I'm talking about how I'm a total beeotch. It's a known fact that I possess severe intolerance for most people, but I can hide it pretty well. I've been a receptionist for 5 years, for crying out loud! I've pretty much got a bachelors in acting by now. Well, I think those 5 years of fakeness combined with a rapid 30 pound weight gain have done me in. I could snap and kill someone at any minute. A guy at work put a pen back in my pen cup today and I was totally pissed at him for it. I didn't even say thanks. I just glared at him so hard he probably crapped his pants from confusion and nervousness. Nevermind that he was doing me a favor and returning a pen he borrowed. He was in my personal space and he shouldn't be taking my stuff in the first place! So, save yourselves! Send me to the looney bin and put me in a straight jacket. (good luck finding one that fits!)

Usually it's not the thought that counts, it's what I want that counts.

Guess what?! It's my baby's baby shower tomorrow! EEEEEEEEEEE! BAAAAAAAAA! She's so excited she's making me pee my pants everytime I sneeze or cough or laugh or blow my nose! Who wants white underwear when you can have yellow? If you forgot to get me a present here are few ideas!
(courtesy of pinterest)

etsy.com
dailydawdle.com



opinionatedbaby.com

And her name shall be....

So we're trying to decide what to name the fetus.... I need opinions with every decision I make for some reason, so if you could kindly let me know what your numero uno is, I'd love to know! Middle names can be interchangeable, but I think I've got my fave combos down.

* Afton Lily Bodine
(Afton is Derrick's pick. Lily is Derrick's great grandma's name)

*Kendall Reese Bodine
(I like this name, so does the sperm donor. Reese is short for Teresa who is Derrick's mother aka MOBO(Mother Bodine))

*MarKel Marie Bodine
(I like MarKel, Derrick isn't hot on it. Marie is Derrick's gma's middle name)

*Autumn Ella Bodine
(We're both fans of Autum. Ella is short for my grandma's middle name which is Fordella... she was birthed in a Ford!)

Whatcha think peeps?!

Would you like suckle of my zipple?

I've been going through pictures lately and I'm starting to think Derrick has a problem.

Here's to September

Holy crap, this month sucked.

BUT I have had a ton of help from friends and fam and especially my pooky. I'm glad people love me even though I'm a crazy psycho.

I'll give you a run down just in case you missed out on the fun.

1. I ruin the only vacation I've been on in two years for me and everyone else there.

2. I have terrible kidney pain. Go to the ER twice, see 5 doctors, and get a CT scan. The verdict? You're pregnant so you'll have to suffer until the baby comes. Sucks for you. Derrick has to watch me scream and writhe in pain for a good two weeks.

3. Because of the pain I'm on drugs. My work decides they don't want me on drugs doing accounting. DEMOTION. I am the receptionist again.

4. I try a home remedy for kidney stones. 1/3 cup olive oil and 1/3 cup lemon juice. I chug that shiz down and am so stoked that I could actually do it! Two hours later I wake up to pee, go to the sink to wash my hands and freaking barf up EVERYTHING I ate that day into said sink. Now it won't drain and it's 1:30 in the morning... I've never dealt with a clogged sink before so I wake Derrick up. Big mistake. It might have been wiser for me to slit my wrists and watch myself bleed to death. He's obviously in no mood to help me so I grab a cup and a bowl from the kitchen and start scooping vomit into the bowl until I find the blockage.

Keep in mind that Lortab has been a steady part of my diet about every 2-3 hours and it's late so I'm not really all there... instead of dumping the puke in the toilet I decide to take it downstairs and run it through the disposal. I turn the switch on, puke dissapears, I go back to my nice comfy bed, right?! Umm no I flip the switch to shut the dang disposal off and it's still running. I flip it again and again and again and it won't turn off. Now, Derrick has decided to wake from hibernation... He screams profanity (at the situation, not at me) and turns the power off. I lay on the kitchen floor and bawl for a good 20 minutes. Turns out we had a bad switch.

5. Derelict stretches his arms out on the couch and knocks over my scentsy on our end table. Purple wax on the walls, in the carpet, on the lamp... EVERYWHERE.

6. I take Derrick's car to run an errand. When I pull into the garage I hit his mirror on the garage and kind of break it... oopsy. I'm not used to pulling in on his side. We get in a fight about it outside. The relief society prez lives right next to us. With all the screaming from the kidney stones and the fighting outside she probably expects to find one of us murdered someday.

7. I go in the house to do the dishes while Derrick tries to fix his mirror. I'm fuming. I turn on the kitchen faucet and it breaks... I can't turn the water off to save my life. I crawl in the sink and beat the living crap out of it trying to get the water to stop running. I swear my face off and I start bawling again. Derrick comes in and fixes it with ease. I go upstairs and cry myself to sleep.

8. I get a flat tire.

9. I notice my innie is turning outie. I truly thought I might be exempt from this one... I have a slight panic attack. I know I'm pathetic.

10. Yesterday, the last day of August. I come home from lunch. Derrick has been playing with knives. He has meat hanging out of his fingers. We go to Instacare and get him some stitches. I think we need Aflac.

PLUS my baby brother moved away to college. We tried to go to Bear Lake to Pickleville Playhouse for our anniversary, get over there and the play is sold out. My parents dog got ran over and I didn't even get a fair burger this year. :(

It's a good thing I've been practically inebriated most of the month.

I'm taking up drinking for fun.

My vacations bite the weenie.

First weenie bite: 2007 - Oceanside California.
While frolicking in the ocean I get stung by a sting ray. Ended up in the ER.

Second weenie bite: 2008 - White Plains, New York
Anaphlyactic Reaction to unkown substace. Another ER visit. You can read all about it here .

Third weenie bite: 2009 - Cabo San Lucas, Mexico
Our honeymoon. We hunker down in one room with the entire resort and brace ourselves for Hurricane Jimena. We talked to our parents on the phone the ENTIRE trip. I call interference! Not my idea of romance, but I guess if we had been thinking straight we could have started a resort orgy or something.... Next time.

Fourth weenie bite: 2011 - Flaming Gorge, UT
We're on a boating trip with friends.
Day 1 we search all freaking day for a campground and when we finally get set up and want to start boating and it rains all. freaking. night.
Day 2 is wonderful.
Day 3 I wake up with pain in my back I've never experienced before. I figure it's just a cramp from sleeping on the air mattress and try to change positions to will it away... I try and try and try. No luck. The pain escalates and starts hurting in my stomach. I figure my fetus is dying inside my body and panic. The nearest ER is almost 2 hours away. I'm screaming and bawling and the entire campground wonders what kind of animal is dying and if it's time to shoot it at this point.

My friends are running all over calling doctors and rounding up the boat and I'm still in panic mode. Dry heaving, puking up stomach acid, swallowing cry snot.... We make it to the ER and they tell me I'm probably having gall bladder problems and send us away with a $2800 bill. (I went back to ER a couple days later and found out I ACTUALLY have kidney stones. Freakin Evanston.) Everyone packs up and goes home a day early because of me.

I hate me.