Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma, Ma, Mum, Mommy

I don't want kids until I go on many many vacations

that I wouldn't be able to take if I had snotty nosed

back talking little shiz heads running around.

(kinda looks like Derrick huh?!)

I'm just trying to be real.
Don't give me your judgemental
critical crap about how I'm being selfish &
about how children are the
greatest blessing that you will
ever experience in this lifetime.

Until I have my own kids

I won't believe you, so you can shut it.

Because I've seen it all.
There are 5 kids in my family.
I'm surprised we are all still alive.

I've also been to Wal-Mart and sacrament meeting &
I believe those two environments
are about the best birth control available.

Better than the pill by far.
I have to remember to take a pill.

It takes a lot to forget
scenes of mothers who have become deaf

to the screams of their own children.

Mothers with perma smiles plastered

on their paint canvas faces,

the dark circles under their eyes so caked

in makeup that you need a putty knife scrape it all off.

All for the sake of "being perfect"

and fitting in at church.

Mothers who eventually lose it because they just
found out their eldest is in jail,
the middle just caught
her and the hubs doing the hibbidy dibbity,
and their youngest just spewed red
Kool-Aid and cheerios on the new carpet!

(After this post I will miraculously become
big with child because of my blasphemy
toward the mother/child relationship.)

So anyway I would like to one day take a

long road trip up and down the west coast.

And when I get to Washington

this is where I'm staying.

Treehouse Point!
It's a little bed and breakfast.
Imagine... Swaying in a treehouse
suspended over a rushing river in the
middle of a forest during a
massive thunderstorm.

I know it sounds crazy,
but at least it would be fun.

Maybe one day when I've completely
lost it sqeezing something the size of a
grapefruit out of my nostril will
appeal to me as much as my cute
litte treehouse vacation.

The "Grand" Engagement

Day One

We got off work and went to eat at the best China place on the planet!

Then we started driving...
I couldn't stay awake fer nothin!
I think Derelict was feeling the same way too, so we stopped
in the Fillmore Beaver area and got a hotel.
And that was day one.


Day Two
We wake up way too early and start driving some more.


And then "in the twinkling of an eye"
We were at Kolob Canyon of Zions National Park.

Not much to do here, but drive. It's beautiful though.
Even Derrick can appreciate it's natural beauty.

Here he is... touching the butt crack.

After Kolob Canyon we drove down to Zions

and had lunchy at Oscar's Cafe.

It was so stinkin cute there!

We got some awesome sandwhiches with sweet potato french fries.

I was in heaven.

Then we got ready to go on the scariest/longest hike of my life.

Here I am about to pee my pants cuz we are going to climb to

the top of that freakin mountain.

I got whooping cough a few years ago and I would cough so hard
that I would throw up. Like, with no warning.

One time I was driving in crazy traffic in Orem to get my oil changed. It was seriously taking me a half hour to drive 10 miles.

I started coughing and

!!BLECH!!

Puked all over myself.

Needless to say, I was pissed.

Anyway ever since then, when I reach the point of overexertion

I dry heave like crazy.

So... here we are about an hour into the hike

after a massive dry heave spell.

This hike is nuts.

You get to the point where the drop offs are so crazy that they have a

chain going up the rest of the mountain that you can hang on to.

Grown men have gone off of the cliffs and fallen

over a thousand feet.

And I saw people with five year olds doing this hike.

What is wrong with people!

We finally made it to the top!

It was worth it, but I won't be doing it again for a

long freakin time.

We saw this butterfly on our hike down.

We were hammered so we only hiked around a little bit more.

It was a fun day.

Day 3

We woke up way too early again and

we made it to the Grand Canyon.

We went to a place in the trees

and that's where Derrick proposed.

Our Sacred Grove

It was perfect. He got down on one knee, I said yes,

we hugged, I jumped up down like a little girl,

we made out in the great outdoors,

text everyone and their dog, took some more pics,

drove through Zions one more time,

and headed home on Monday morning!

Bring on the wedding planning Madness!!!

I'm Freakin Out Man

K, I'm going on a mini personal vaca tonight

and I haven't even packed.

I get off work at 6:00 and I take my lunch at 3:00

so for lunch I am packing.

I haven't packed because
I have no idea where I am going,
So I have no idea what the crap to pack.

Derrick told me to tell all my jobs that I can't work this weekend
and to pack 3 or 4 changes of clothes and that
he will drive all night tonight and when I wake up tomorrow
we will have arrived at our destination.
That's all the info I have.

Where are we going?!

I'll go total granola on his A
no razor =
braided armpit hair=
never going surprise camping again. Ever.
Can you just picture me here?

Posing for pics, Sipping Coladas,

Sucking my guts in so hard that my

eyes are about to explode out of my head.

Complete Bliss.

Ah, home sweet home for Ho Bags like me.

Huh Nat?! :)

I think he plans on knocking me out

because there's no way I'm going to be able to sleep.

And if he plans on knocking me out... I could get left for dead.

If my body is ever found,

my only request is that someone sings

"Another One Bites the Dust" at my funeral.

I love and will miss you all.

(Even those of you who "hate" me, but read my blog anyway)

Mother Knows Best

Alrighty, I know I already said NY was way fun, but I'm saying it again... NY was some totally awesome wicked bodacious heck yes fun! First of all, I flew all by myself there and back like a big girl which to some of you might not be so impressive, but I've only flown once when I was like 15 and I was with my whole family. One step closer to pulling on my grown up pants... yes!

Next of all I learned to listen to my mother. She was nagging me to get an epi pen and a medical bracelet before I left and I just kept thinking, no I'll be fine. It's no biggie, I NEVER have allergic reactions. It's been 4 years since the last serious one and the one before that was like 19-20 years ago. Anyone else in my shoes would have felt invincible too. And then fate stepped decided it was time to give Ashley a fall to the ground, bawl your eyes out, and not even care that you are acting like a huge wuss in front of a crowd, squirrel tap.

Kels dropped me off at the mall to do some shoppin while she finished work, and I hadn't ate lunch yet so I stopped at the food court. I was walking by this place and the lady goes "Sample?" and I was like "Sure, what is it?" And she says "Teryaki Chicken" I pop it in my mouth and it's so succulent and delish I'm next in line sucking what's left of the flavor off of my toothpick. I get some broccoli, some chicken, and some rice and sit down to feast.

I'm on the phone with Derrick and about 5 minutes into my din din my chest and my throat start to feel really tight. And I'm like Oh no!... I gotta get outta here and find a somewhere to buy some Benadryl because I bought a new purse the day before and I switched purses that day and left my Benadryl out. This mall I was at is huge and I suck at directions so I had a hard time finding my way out, and the whole time I'm like panicking because I've never been here before so once I get out how the crap am I supposed to know which way a gas station is?

Tight chest/throat + lost+alone+ in a elevator = Panick Attack!

I finally make it outside and start heading the direction where the most people are. The bonus was that K-Dawg lives in a nice part of New York so I wasn't scared of being taken into a back alley and beaten to a pulp, not that that would scare me anyway because I had mace in my new huge purse. (Which is stupid because by the time I'd found it in my purse, taken the lock off, and sprayed it in someones eyeballs I'd be a gonner regardless) The heavens open up to me and I see a Wal-Mart sign like 2 blocks away so I book it over there grab some Benadryl and a Pepsi and drug up.

I'm feeling calm and in control on my way back to the mall until I get inside and my eyes start to feel so dry that they are burning and I can't see as much as I usually can. Then the palms of my hands start to itch and I start to scratch them and I notice my hands are blowing up and it's moving up my arms! I sit on some stairs in a store and feel my eyes and realize that they are being swollen shut! Here comes another panic attack.

I'm on the phone with Derrick again and I'm crying because my stomach feels like it's being ripped to shreds and I can't breathe. Derrick is trying to calm me down and tells me to go find a worker and ask them if they have a first aid, so I do and she takes me to Mall Security. Gosh, they're so tough, I'm envious of the power their gold badges and goofy black hats hold, but that's a whole different story.

The rest of the mall is a little blurry cuz I was lying on a bench crying and hurting and talking to like 10 people at once, picturing my death and trying to repent. They called the ambulance and right as soon as they ambulance got there I spewed in the garbage can and I feel TONS better and I tell them I don't want to go to the hospital anymore and they say you have to go to the hospital, and I say what if I don't want to pay for it, but they don't care. The next thing I know I'm strapped to the gurney and away we go.

I get to the hospital and they take me in and wheel me up next to this chick.

No, not Kelsey. The old New York lady behind her with no teeth that CONSTANTLY talks to herself (even in her sleep) and then freaks out when she's actually trying to talk to someone and no one pays here any attention. This one time she just kept repeating the same thing over and over and then all the sudden she just screams "Excuse me! I have to go to the bathroom!" and someone goes to take her and she won't put her shoes on. She was a mess And all the nurses and doctors are trying to figure out how she got there and what they should do with her now because all she came in for was heartburn. I told K-Dawg she better quit buying purses all the time or that's her future, but I was jk. But she does have TONS of purses.

This is getting really long so I'll sum it up. Kelsey gets there and we've been waiting for like an hour and I still haven't been paid any attention. So I start videotaping the old lady just so I can prove the insanity of this ghetto hospital and the male nurse that looks like he just came in off the sreet comes to give me my drugs yells at me for videotaping in ER, but I played it totally cool, like I really wasn't. He gave me a steriod and Benadryl straight to the veins and I was getting so sleepy, but so pumped at the same time, but Kels told me that I'd better not work out for a while so I don't bulk up. Thank goodness my once a month workout was already over. Whew! That was a close one.

We were there for like four hours when it was only supposed to be an hour and I basically healed myself afterI threw up. I have no idea what made me allergic. And the nurse told me I look like Hilary Duff. Does Hilary have a huge face and eyes so puffy that she looks Chinese? I haven't seen her for a while. I shoulda played it off like I was Hilary, then they could send her my bill and I woulda been out of there WAY faster. Seriously I could have been working in Chinatown and no one would have suspected a thing. I've been to Hunan enough to know how they talk.

You like? Is very nice. I give you forty-fi($45), speshah price juss for you. No? How much shu want? twenny-fi($25)? How bou twenny-A ($28)? Is my price, is my price.

So seriously here's to you kimbe222. I'll never take your infinite wisdom for granted again. Unless I think you're wrong. :)

I'm Back Baby!

Ok so, I'm back from the Big City and it was a blast!!! A mini personal vaca was exactly what I needed. I should take those more often. I don't have a lot of time to post about the trip because I have to leave worky in a few, but I made a smile box and I'll post about it tomorrow.

Enjoy peeps!

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

K Guys Don't Be Jealous, But.......

I'm Going To New York B*tches!

That's right, I just booked my flight. Go ahead... ask me to buy you a purse.