Um... Yum

I made BOMB Cheesecake Factory Salads a while ago.
I'm using the restaurant picture because
I don't take pictures of my
food. I lived in a basement with no light.
That's right people I said LIGHT
it's important.

(for all you "pro" photographers with a dslr, yeah I'm talking to you, you can't just point it at people, click the button, photoshop the pic to death, and say you have a business because you bought a fancy camera. Sorry to crush your perverted dreams of snapping pics of naked babies with headband flowers as big as Dolly Parton's woohoos...)

Now, now that rant wasn't meant to offend anyone that I love.

I was screwed by someone with a fancy camera

and photoshop once and because

it was an unwilling screw, I have issues.

Moving on!!!

Cheesecake Factory Barbecue Ranch Chicken Salads

Ingredients:
1 Rotisserie chicken
1 Cup of your fave bbq sauce
Romaine Lettuce
Frozen Corn thawed
Cucumber slices
1 can black beans rinsed and drained
Avacado chunks or slices
Ranch Dressing
bbq sauce
Fried onion strings

I used this recipe for my onion strings
http://thepioneerwoman.com/cooking/2008/03/onion-strings-oh-yeah-baby/

Shred chicken and mix with 1 cup bbq sauce.
Put lettuce on a plate and top with corn, cucumber,
black beans, avacado, and shredded chicken.
For the dressing mix equal parts of bbq sauce and ranch
or if that sounds sick to you, just use plain ranch.
Top salad with dressing and onion strings and
prepare to stuff your face with goodness!

A Ghost, In the Kitchen, With an AntiKnockUpressant!!

Ummm ok this is gonna be weird, but I just gotta get it out there.

This is my birth control

Yes it still works, no I'm not pregnant.

BUT see how the last Monday of the month is missing...

Yeah that's how I found it on Monday night.

Weird???

And notice, when I take out a pill the clear plastic is

dented, but there is no dent in the plastic

on the missing Monday.

Now there is no logical explination for this that I can
even fathom.

So here's what I've come up with...

1. Someone stole it.
Not likely, but I guess it could happen.
Maybe someone thought it was
like a morning after pill

2. It's a sign from above.
I'm supposed to skip that pill, become a
baby mama to Derrick,
and a boob slave to my posterity, but
you'd think if that were the case it would just
happen on it's own.
Like Mary the virgin child...
except it'd be like
Ashley the married skank

3. A ghost took it.
which would be pointless because
don't girl ghosts know they can't get
pregnant because boy ghosts have
"Holloweenies"
HAHAHA!
(yeah it's a Halloween joke we used to tell in

high school and it just never gets old.)

This is the one I'm sticking with.
because I believe in ghosts and
I think the evil ones are out to destroy my life.

So when I go to the pharmacist begging him for
a free Monday pill what story makes me
sound the least crazy?

1...2... or 3...
We shall see!

The wheels is spinning

I've had a couple requests to come alive

in blogland and my boss

is gone today, so here I am.

Thoughts...

My new last name could sound kind of hispanic.
Plurally prounounced: Bow/deen/ez
If Derrick ever makes me get a van

I'll make it an Astro and
I'm putting "Bodines" gold vinyl on my rear window.
And when my possy sees it, they'll be like
"Ay!! There go da Bowdeenez!
Mucho love for da Bowdeenez!!!"

That's right you mess with one of us

and you're messin with us all.

I HATE my fake laugh.
Every time I do it, I cringe.
I need a new one.
Or I could just be a weeotch and not
laugh when I really don't think something is funny
What do you think?
I just usually do it at work.
Is it more important to keep up the PR or just be me?

Old Navy bites the weenie
I went there the other day and I swear
they could make such cute clothes, but then the

designers are like
nah... this is too cute
let's throw this unicorn striped ruffle on it and
then it will be all sensually subliminal
because the ruffles make it look
like the unicorns are doing it.

I only say that because that's how I think

clothing designers think.
At least they'll get some recognition with that kind of thinking
because only people who are on People Of Walmart
will actually buy that crap.

Speaking of Walmart
almost every time I go there I get called Ma'am
or stalked by uncaucasian
(not being racist, just stating the facts)
college kids until they avert their eyes

from my lovely lady lumps (aka private parts)

and see a ring.
Ugh! It's like I'm in that Britney Spears song
I'm Not a Girl, Not yet a Woman
but it's more like
I'm not A-vailable, Not yet a Ma'am
Ya feel me?

Speaking of Music...
Tonight I'm going to a Mo-Tab Pioneer concert.
We're taking out lighters,
My sister isn't going to wear a bra,
and I'm going to throw my G bottoms on
stage!!! WOO, PANTIES!!!!
Yeah, I might go to hell for that,
but so are you because

A - that made you smile or B - you're judging me.
So, see ya there!
Have a good one!

LMAO

So, I came to work today and it's Monday.
Woot! Not.

But then my friend who sits by me decided to tell me

a story, and it made my day.
I'll share it with you.

So, my friend at work has some friends who have some friends.
And they have a son who is special needs.
We'll call him John.

John is about 28 years old and decided recently that he
wants to live on his own.
So he got an apartment close to his family and he's been there
for about a month.

On St. Patricks Day he called his dad FRANTIC!!!

John: "Dad!! Dad, you have to come over right now!"

Dad: "Why, what's going on?"

John: "There's a troll in my house and he's gonna get me!! Leave work right now, you have to come over!!"

Dad: "I can't leave work for two hours, so you're just going to have to wait."

Dad is thinking someone is probably just dressed up like a leprechaun outside or something.

So then John calls his sister and says, "You HAVE to have dad come over to my house to get rid of this troll!"

Dad calls back and says,

"John, you're just going to have to wait for two hours."

So John waits.

Dad gets there and John races him to his room.
Dad sees that John has put everything he could in front of the closet.
His dresser, his kitchen table and chairs, books... everything.

He can hear something in there, so he starts
moving all of the stuff out of the way.

He opens the door and there's a midget in the closet!!!

He was a door knocker for the Jehovah's Witnesses.

So when John opened the door to this poor midget, he picked him up and shoved him into his closet.

Talk about a freakin crack up.
:)

Dear Body, I'm sorry.

I'm a failure.

I made it Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday...

Thursday I got vertigo.

That was a freakin trip.

I got back on track and rocked it on

Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.

Monday came and I decided that would be my day off.

Tuesday came and I worked out that morning, but

that afternoon the devil came to my work.

Yes the devil, the root of all evil.

Thin Mint Girl Scout Cookies.

I ate half a box in less than an hour.

AND I haven't exercised for a week and two days.

AND I had a chocolate brownie with marshmallows

and chocolate frosting on top this morning for breakfast.

My mom made them for Derrick the other day

and he tried to hide them from me,

but I just couldn't resist!

So, I'm cursing myself.

This Boo lady will haunt my dreams

until I can get my fat butt out of bed

in the mornings.

Boooo!!! BOOOO!!!!

Diet Coke and a Pizza Please?!

I'm sick of sitting down and having my G's create that weird fat roll, muffin top, disgusting, flabby, jiggly, pudge thing.

I've tried to embrace it, but there comes a time in everyone's life when you must say goodbye to something you've become comfortable with. So comfortable, you've stroked it and petted it and loved it and just held on to it for years.

It's time to abandon the chubby wagon.

So, the last two mornings I've been doing Slim in 6.
With the one and only Debbie Siebers.

I will be waking up to this face for the next 6 weeks.

Doesn't she just look so cheery?!

Well, she's a mental workout beeotch.

During the pushup part she turns her head and smiles at the camera for ALL of them.

You guys are probably like "Oh big whoop you've been exercising for two days."

Yeah?! Well it is a big whoop to me. I've tried to start this program like 10 times and I'll do it the first day and then the next day I walk around like Brian Mitchell will be if he ever gets to prison and Big Bubba finds him. So, after the first day.... I quit.

Seriously I'm only on the first DVD (it's like 30 minutes) and I'm so sore it hurts to breathe.

It took me at least 10 minutes to walk from my car into work today.

And I just dropped the mail on the floor and had to bend down to pick it up. HAHA. I am so glad no one had to watch that. Talk about scarred for life.

And my poor landlords probably wonder what the crap is going on down in my apartment because I have to seriously grunt like the macho men do to get myself to do the next lunge without falling over. And the next. And the next.

But the good news is

I AM ON DAY NUMBER 2 PEOPLE!

And if I can make it to day number 2 I can do anything.

So, here is my farewell to fat.

Goodbye fat, you suck.

And if all else fails and I'm a lumpy butt for life, this will be my theme song.

Picture This...

It's Saturday
The first day you get to sleep in all week.
You're a massage therapist.
You have to leave for work at 9:00.
You let yourself sleep until 8:30.

You brush your teeth.
Put on some deoderant.
Get dressed in your so-so clothes because
you don't want to get your nice ones dirty.
Run a brush through your second day hair.
Put on some tinted moisturizer
and a little mascara and a little lipgloss.
And you're out the door.

You get to work and your boss comes down.

He says, "Hey we've got camera crews and professional actors coming this morning to film a commercial. What's your schedule looking like?"

You say, "Well, we have an hour break from 11-12."

He says, "Good we'll have them come down to film then."

You say, "Okie doke."

11:00 rolls around.
The camera crew shows up.
There are no actors with them.

The crew grabs some random customers
and asks them to be in the commercial
as clients in the spa.
They are kind enough to say ok.

The crew grabs you and says,
"Ok, you're going to be giving them the massages."

You say, "What is this commercial for?"

They say, "We'll be airing it all over Utah for the next month and a half."

You remember how craptacular you look today
and realize your fugly face is going
to be broadcast all over the state.
And you cry.

The end.

It's dramatic, but less ghetto

Derrick's bro showed me this movie a while ago.

It's so enlightening!

Peace & Blessings!!

Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma, Ma, Mum, Mommy

I don't want kids until I go on many many vacations

that I wouldn't be able to take if I had snotty nosed

back talking little shiz heads running around.

(kinda looks like Derrick huh?!)

I'm just trying to be real.
Don't give me your judgemental
critical crap about how I'm being selfish &
about how children are the
greatest blessing that you will
ever experience in this lifetime.

Until I have my own kids

I won't believe you, so you can shut it.

Because I've seen it all.
There are 5 kids in my family.
I'm surprised we are all still alive.

I've also been to Wal-Mart and sacrament meeting &
I believe those two environments
are about the best birth control available.

Better than the pill by far.
I have to remember to take a pill.

It takes a lot to forget
scenes of mothers who have become deaf

to the screams of their own children.

Mothers with perma smiles plastered

on their paint canvas faces,

the dark circles under their eyes so caked

in makeup that you need a putty knife scrape it all off.

All for the sake of "being perfect"

and fitting in at church.

Mothers who eventually lose it because they just
found out their eldest is in jail,
the middle just caught
her and the hubs doing the hibbidy dibbity,
and their youngest just spewed red
Kool-Aid and cheerios on the new carpet!

(After this post I will miraculously become
big with child because of my blasphemy
toward the mother/child relationship.)

So anyway I would like to one day take a

long road trip up and down the west coast.

And when I get to Washington

this is where I'm staying.

Treehouse Point!
It's a little bed and breakfast.
Imagine... Swaying in a treehouse
suspended over a rushing river in the
middle of a forest during a
massive thunderstorm.

I know it sounds crazy,
but at least it would be fun.

Maybe one day when I've completely
lost it sqeezing something the size of a
grapefruit out of my nostril will
appeal to me as much as my cute
litte treehouse vacation.

Stickin' it to the Man

I took a break from blogging.

It can just be so darn detrimental sometimes!

I put myself out there and run the risk of

being made fun of for trying to astoud you

with my quick wit and dazzling intellect.

And I run the risk of not getting enough

comments to confirm my awesomeness and

popularity. Somtimes it's just too tough for

my sensitive spirit to endure sometimes.

I needed to take a step back, examine my life and my

priorities and decide if blogging truly has a place in my life.

NOT!!!

I just got sick of it.

The end.

I know. I'm a rebel freak.

I haven't even seen New Moon yet.

(Can you even imagine???!!)

The last few weeks at work have been unbearably

boring, so I'm back on the wagon.

A smidgen of my wasted time will be devoted

to blogging every once in a while, and

what better way to do that than

by journaling for the world to see?

Increasing my spiritual knowledge makes me yawn.

Overacheiving and asking for more work is for butt kissers.

I've already printed out every recipe known to man.

If you refer to the post below I can only handle

Facebook for so long...

I can't read books because I don't "look" busy.

I'm done with my work in about 2 hours

& I'm here for 9.

Therefore, I shall blog.

Go ahead and pay me for that, SUCKERS!

Today I will perform an act of service & post a recipe.

Slow Cooker Chicken and Dumplings

Not that good looking, but delicious.
Like a teenager with a hilarious personality,
but a gross zitty face.

You can get past it.

Ingredients
4 Boneless Skinless Chicken Breast Halves
2 Tablespoons Butter
2 (10.75 oz) Cans Cream of Chicken Soup
3/4 can of Chicken Broth
1 Onion Finely Diced
1 (10 oz Package Refrigerated Biscuit Dough
torn into pieces
1 tsp Cumin
1 tsp Poultry Seasoning
1/2 tsp Pepper
2 tsp Parsley

Directions
1. Place chicken, butter, cream of chicken soup, and onion in a slow cooker and pour chicken broth on the top.
2. Cover and cook for 6 hours on high. About 2 hours before serving, place the torn biscuit dough in the slow cooker.

Serve with cooked veggies. Corn, carrots, broccoli, peas.
Just whatever gets you excited.

Bon Appetit!