Thursday, September 1, 2011

Here's to September

Holy crap, this month sucked.

BUT I have had a ton of help from friends and fam and especially my pooky. I'm glad people love me even though I'm a crazy psycho.

I'll give you a run down just in case you missed out on the fun.

1. I ruin the only vacation I've been on in two years for me and everyone else there.

2. I have terrible kidney pain. Go to the ER twice, see 5 doctors, and get a CT scan. The verdict? You're pregnant so you'll have to suffer until the baby comes. Sucks for you. Derrick has to watch me scream and writhe in pain for a good two weeks.

3. Because of the pain I'm on drugs. My work decides they don't want me on drugs doing accounting. DEMOTION. I am the receptionist again.

4. I try a home remedy for kidney stones. 1/3 cup olive oil and 1/3 cup lemon juice. I chug that shiz down and am so stoked that I could actually do it! Two hours later I wake up to pee, go to the sink to wash my hands and freaking barf up EVERYTHING I ate that day into said sink. Now it won't drain and it's 1:30 in the morning... I've never dealt with a clogged sink before so I wake Derrick up. Big mistake. It might have been wiser for me to slit my wrists and watch myself bleed to death. He's obviously in no mood to help me so I grab a cup and a bowl from the kitchen and start scooping vomit into the bowl until I find the blockage.

Keep in mind that Lortab has been a steady part of my diet about every 2-3 hours and it's late so I'm not really all there... instead of dumping the puke in the toilet I decide to take it downstairs and run it through the disposal. I turn the switch on, puke dissapears, I go back to my nice comfy bed, right?! Umm no I flip the switch to shut the dang disposal off and it's still running. I flip it again and again and again and it won't turn off. Now, Derrick has decided to wake from hibernation... He screams profanity (at the situation, not at me) and turns the power off. I lay on the kitchen floor and bawl for a good 20 minutes. Turns out we had a bad switch.

5. Derelict stretches his arms out on the couch and knocks over my scentsy on our end table. Purple wax on the walls, in the carpet, on the lamp... EVERYWHERE.

6. I take Derrick's car to run an errand. When I pull into the garage I hit his mirror on the garage and kind of break it... oopsy. I'm not used to pulling in on his side. We get in a fight about it outside. The relief society prez lives right next to us. With all the screaming from the kidney stones and the fighting outside she probably expects to find one of us murdered someday.

7. I go in the house to do the dishes while Derrick tries to fix his mirror. I'm fuming. I turn on the kitchen faucet and it breaks... I can't turn the water off to save my life. I crawl in the sink and beat the living crap out of it trying to get the water to stop running. I swear my face off and I start bawling again. Derrick comes in and fixes it with ease. I go upstairs and cry myself to sleep.

8. I get a flat tire.

9. I notice my innie is turning outie. I truly thought I might be exempt from this one... I have a slight panic attack. I know I'm pathetic.

10. Yesterday, the last day of August. I come home from lunch. Derrick has been playing with knives. He has meat hanging out of his fingers. We go to Instacare and get him some stitches. I think we need Aflac.

PLUS my baby brother moved away to college. We tried to go to Bear Lake to Pickleville Playhouse for our anniversary, get over there and the play is sold out. My parents dog got ran over and I didn't even get a fair burger this year. :(

It's a good thing I've been practically inebriated most of the month.