Friday, October 29, 2010

I'm It!

Natty Bo Batty tagged me.

I am to answer 8 questions and then I tag 8 peeps with 8 different questions that I make up. The sad news is that I don't really think I have 8 friends who blog anymore. I probably didn't even have 8 friends to begin with.

Don't feel bad for me.
Who needs friends when I can and totally do
have out loud conversations with
myself on a regular basis?
It's all good!

What is your favorite TV show?

I have two.
Friends and The Office.
I'm not even going to beat around
the bush on that one.
(that's what she said)

What is one thing you would change if you could go back to your high school years?

I guess if I could go back and change something,
I would have been potty trained once and for all!
(It just feels like it's too late to learn now, ya know?!)

REALLY though, I did some pretty stupid things to
hurt friends and family that I wish I could take back,
but I've done my best to make my peace.
You live and you learn.

What is on your Christmas list this year?

Oh Christmas... I've been so excited all year long!
Why? I have no idea.

I can't even put up a Christmas tree this year
because our apartment is so stupid and tiny.
I'm still excited though!

All I've wanted for months and months is a vacation,
but it turns out I married a money nazi!
No vacay for you!
So, I'll be good with clothes that
I won't be able fit into sooner than later
because of my expanding belly.

Just prepping myself.

Name something that always makes you happy.

It's like porno for my emotions.
Not really. I'm just trying to fit in!

My real answer is...
Food, for sure.
I'm talkin the good stuff.
None of this candy schmandy crap.
To be honest I'm more excited for
Thanksgiving than Christmas.

Nothing says I want to make you happy more than a
plump hamburger laden with juicy bacon and a side
of fat squishy fries waiting to be
immersed in fry sauce.


If you won a billion dollars what would you do with it?

I would probably croak before I got to
spend a dime of it.
That just seems to be the way things go.

But just in case I didn't...
I would buy lots and lots of houses,
flying lessons, and a plane.
Then I would travel my butt off with Derelict!
Houses on beaches, cabins in the mountains,
a hut in Africa, a castle in India
a teepee on the reservation...
You name it, I bought it!

If you had three wishes, what would you wish for?

1. That no one would ever go hungry.

2. To be surrounded by stupid people no more!

3. To have a happy family forever.

What is your favorite food in the whole wide world?

I've been stuck on this question for 20 minutes and counting....

Ding ding ding!!!

My desk is covered in drool.
It's a tie between
that burger I just had a love affair with in question
four, sushi, and Costa Vida sweet pork.

If you could go anywhere in the world, all expenses paid...
Where would you go?

I have a lion fetish.
One could eat me and I wouldn't even be mad.

I doubt anyone will do this, BUT...
I tag
Brittni, Angela, Kim C., Keri A., Cheyanne,
Shelsie, Chelsea, and Kami L.

Your new questions are:

What is your most embarrassing moment?

Who, what, where, when, and how was your first kiss?

What is your favorite movie?

If you only had 24 hours left to live, how would you spend it?

What is your favorite thing to do to relax?

What is your biggest pet peeve?

Do you have a "list"
(you know, a hibbity dibbity one)

If so, who is on it?

What is something that always makes you happy?

Have fun guys!

Monday, October 25, 2010

Let Me Just Crawl in a Hole and Die

I thought my blog was kind of depressing last time.
So, I thought I'd give you something to point and laugh at today.

Embarrassing Moment #213

I'm in 4th-ish grade.
I'm awkward and skinny and snotty nosed.
All that is pretty much the same
except for the skinny part.

My mom signs me up for a modeling class,
maybe she thought it would boost my self esteem.

All the pretty girls I dance with are there.
Insecurity steps up to the plate.
and it is a bad MoFO.
So bad that I'm too afraid to ask if I can use the
restroom because peeing is gross.
I don't want the pretty girls to know I urinate!

The model teacher asks me to get up and
practice the model walk.

Unfortunately for me, in order to
walk this walk you CAN'T have your hand
over your privates AND you have to SEPARATE
your legs from each other.

Oh yeah, and remember skorts?
I'm wearing one.
It's not even a concealing color.
It's denim.

I take step one,
I'm a supermodel!

Step two,
Legs are trembling...

Step three,
Pee is trickling down the legs...

Step four,
My bladder *EXPLODES*

I freeze, look down,
and pray that it will stop.
I guess I'm just not that lucky.

The model teacher runs to me and
rushes me to the bathroom.

I lock myself in the stall and cry
like a baby who still pees her pants.

Good thing I learned my lesson...
Not even close.
I still pee my pants.
It's been a couple years though!
I'm keepin my fingers crossed!!
(and my legs)

Embarrassing Moment #578

New Years Day 2006

I'm obsessed with DDR.
If you don't know what DDR is you're lame
and I shouldn't even explain, but I will.
DDR stands for
Dance Dance Revolution

Fist pump to everyone who knew
what I was abbreviating!

Anyway the night before we had a rockin
80's party in L-town.

I stayed at the house we partied at with my
BFF Kelsey. The next morning I bust my DDR
mats out of my trunk for a little competition.
Yes, I kept them in my trunk.
Boooya! Chest Bump!

This home we stayed at is housed by many boys.
I know, I know, I'm a sinner!

All I had was my 80's outfit and it wasn't
DDR comp material, so I borrowed
some shorts from one of the fellas.

Let the dancing begin!!!

I'm rockin out to one of my fave songs
when two boys who don't live there show up.
I pay them no attention because I'm in the zone.

Prepare to judge me harshly.
It should be noted that at this time
in my life I wasn't big on wearing underwear?!
Don't ask me why!!

I blame it dancing and massage school.
You could never wear undies with tights
and spandex AND I had to get naked
everyday at school and underwear
was just one more thing to put on
and take off.

One of the boys who shows
up has a video camera rolling.
The other boy runs over pulls on my shorts and...
I've been depansted!!!!

And I'm still jumping...
my shorts are down to my ankles and
my white booty is bouncing for all to see.

I still thank my lucky stars that everyone in the room
was sitting behind me instead of in front of me.

I made sure the video was destroyed,
but just in case I did not name names on purpose.
So there's no need to go looking for it
OK?! Ok.

Friday, October 8, 2010

About To Be Estrogen Free!!!

Remember this post?
Yeah. It did me in.

This post will probably be TMI for some of you,
but I'm having a pity party so deal with it.

I had surgery last Friday on my woman parts.
They found endometriosis.
Or in my gyno's words
"A bunch of shit. This is really shitty. Shit, shit, shit."
I love him.

So basically if I ever want kids I have to start
making them today.
I can go on a shot that will cause my body to
go through a temporary menopause.

I'm getting the shot.
3 months min
6 months max

Next time I blog I'll probably be doing it in a pool of
sweat and tears because I just had my first
hot flash and I'm only 24.

It gets better.
After the shot I start making babies.

After the first baby is born
I get back on the wagon to make another one.

No time inbetween.
And I repeat that until I'm a
tubbalard on meds,
with a minivan, and have my
desired amount of mouths to feed
and butts to change.

I get to have a hysterectomy.

Derrick will probably leave me.
I'm already certifiable.
They'll find me one day;
diapers all around me, crap up my arms
and throw up in my hair, with a kid attached
having a suckle of my zipple.
I'll be crying hysterically
and they'll take me away and put me
in an institution.
So say goodbye to the Ashley you knew.

Welcome the new Ashley who has a
cheesebuger at every meal to eat away her
depressed menopausal, soon to be prego
all the time, and then
without a uterus feelings.

The end.

PS - Don't call the WAAAHHmbulance on me
I know things could be worse, but
I just feel like being a baby.