Monday, November 5, 2012

Nelly ain't Got Nothin on Me

My mom wanted all of our family to write a letter to Dylan to read while he was flying out to Washington. 
Here is the rap I promised to post. 
Tupac lives within me.

Yo! Yo! What up Bro?
I'm just livin' the dirty life, but I ain't no ho!

I know you're sittin' on a plane, just killin' time.
So I'll facilitate you, and provide this rhyme.

All your bags are packed, you've got a full canteen,
Now it's time to get in the missionary routine!

You gotta get up early and hit those knees!
Do some pushups, and give your killa' guns a squeeze!

 Get your butt outside and hop on your dope hog.
Don't forge your helmet to protect your nog'!

You're lookin like a boss in your suit and tie.
You're dressed to kill, you're super fly!

Investigataz and hataz best watch out in the WA,
Cuz here comes a bad A, DYLAN RAY!

Instead of poppin' caps, you'll be bustin' out scriptcha!
And, I'll pray that the Holy Ghost be with cha!

Ain't no need to get skurr and have a whack attack,
cuz you're homeboy Jesus has got your back.

Now go out there, and spread the word.
The gospel is the shiz, ain't ya heard?

We're proud of you Dyl, Way to be!
Love - Me, Big D, & Eva Marie

Friday, November 2, 2012


I've turned into a homebody. It's just better for my sanity if we stay home. When we need to go out for more than an hour, I literally almost always have a panic attack trying to get ready and I'm ALWAYS late! Do you think it's time I embrace the crazy and start to medicate? I hate packing up diapers and wipes and worrying about feeding Eva and her nap time and all that baby stuff. And, I swear she poops right when I'm about to put her in the car. Plus, I'm still breastfeeding and I'm just not that comfy with pulling my fun bags out for the world to see. 

Now, if you come to my church it's a rare occasion if you DON'T see boobies! Every Sunday I'm just waiting for National Geographic to show up. Derrick's never wanted to go to church more! Some mom's are pretty good about it, but others just let them flop all over the place! It's insane to me. Like, seriously, go in the Mother's Room! That's what it is there for. Oh yeah, and while I'm on the "Mother's Room" don't throw your kids poopy diapers in there. Honestly people have some respect! 

I'm sure people will read this and be like "It's beautiful and natural. Wah Wah Wah." I totally agree, and trust me, if there is anyone that's okay with nakedness, it's me. I massage naked people ALL. THE. TIME. I had to get naked at massage school every day for 7 months, but when I was growing up I was taught that boobs are a private part and I'm pretty sure my parents would have been disappointed if I had gone around flashing them in public, especially at church. So, why is it different if there is a baby attached?

I'm obviously rambling like a crazy person. I'll tell you a secret (I'm on a pain pill) shhhh! I'm not abusing though. I was in real pain! Not anymore! Apparently I'm either angry or really stupid when I take pain meds. I guess today is an angry day.

Let me tell you a little tale about the last time I had an angry day.

It was Sunday night. The next day was Labor day. Around 10 PM I noticed some unusual lights coming from outside. There were some people running around outside with flashlights. I decided to stay up for a while and write my brother, Elder Anderson, a rap. (Pretty sure that's where the stupid comes in, but it did turn out pretty awesome! I'll post it later.)  

Around 11:30 I decided to retire to my bedroom. The window was open and my dear husband was sleeping soundly. As I tried to drift off into sweet slumber I hear loud laughter and screaming from out my window. I try to shake it off and re-enter dream mode. This goes on for another half an hour. I decide to get up and shut the window, in hopes that the annoying people outside will hear it and take a hint. 

The laughter and shrieking of stupid college kids continues to disturb my peace. It is now 12:30. This has gone on long enough! I get up, put on some of Derrick's basketball shorts and a T-shirt, and stomp downstairs. I unlock the door, step outside and witness around 7 grown adults standing in a circle with flashlight pointed at the ground. They have fallen silent at the sight of me. (I probably looked like a midget in Derrick's shorts. They always make me go quiet and stare too.) And then, the crazy person inside of me unleashed!

I said, "HEY! I'VE GOT A BABY IN THERE AND A HUSBAND WHO HAS TO GET UP IN 4 HOURS! COULD YOU PLEASE BE QUIET!!!!" And some stupid kid says, "sorry."  And I said, in the most exasperated/annoyed tone I could muster, "THANK YOU!".  And shut my door. And they shut-up. And I officially became the psycho who lives in number 163. 

(I don't really live in 163, I just don't dare put my real number on here. So, don't go looking for me there.)     

This post was going to be about Halloween. I don't know what happened. 

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Drama for your Mama!

I haven't transitioned into motherhood all that well. I don't know what the heck my deal is. It just hasn't been as easy as I thought it would be. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy being a mom. I just think I suck at it. I mean I've already let her fall off the bed and burn herself with my flat iron. I'm shocked I'm not in prison. And Derelict is already ready for another one! Haha, I think he's taking crazy pills. So, the blog has been put at the bottom of the priority list. Now I spend my time on pinterest cooking or cleaning or wiping a tiny diva's butt. 

Eva Marie is 9 and 1/2 months old. Is that totes cray cray or what?! I swear being pregnant for nine months went by WAY slower than these last nine months have. It makes me so sad. I just want her to stay little forever! 

Is anyone in the mood for a little Diva brag sesh?

She claps (adorable)
She gives kisses
She loves to be sung to
She loves her face tickled
She loves to read books
She is a total cuddlebug
She crawls
She pulls herself up to stand
She has one teeny tooth
She loves to bonk heads
She doesn't cry when she gets hurt, she growls
She strikes a sexy pose
(the only picture I have of sexy pose is in the bathtub. Sorry pervs!)
She loves her legs massaged
She loves to eat yogurt, sweet potatoes and peaches, and pumpkin
She loves the tub
She can give low 5's
She can wave bye bye
She loves the Lion King
(yes, I let her watch TV. It will be ok. As an infant I loved Dirty Dancing and Rock and Roll Mom. I'm totally fine)
She says Mamamamamamamama
She whispers bababababababa
She doesn't really like toys
She loves cell phones, cords, tags, and paper

And here are some funny pics

Static Electricity! 

Uncle Gordon and their matching hairdo

Crib Wedgie

Eucerin Face

We lurve her!

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Speak Eva, Speak!

This is how Eva was talking for like a week. She didn't do  it very good on the video, but this is the best I could do! :)

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Raindrops on Roses and Whiskers on Kittens

Preface: When you read the favorite things editions, you must read/think in a British accent because that is the voice I typed it in. 

Hello, and welcome all to the first edition on my favorite things. Today's topic will be my favorite baby things. Fitting, no?

I have been a mother for five months, so obviously I'm an expert. And because I have a wealth of knowledge and a crap load of friends that will be pushing babies out of their poor va-jay-jay's soon, I thought I'd share a few things that have saved the single shred of sanity that I have left. 

Tons of people tell me that they feel overwhelmed when shopping for their first baby. Here's are some tips you might find helpful:

 ***Avoid Babies R Us like the plague! A sick, puss filled, oozing,  hacking plague. I didn't step foot in Babies R Us until I was 8 months pregnant. We already had everything we needed and we were broke, so I only had a teeny urge to spend our life savings.***

***Wait until AFTER your baby shower to buy toys, clothes, burp cloths, bibs, blankets, etc. This is a tough one, but it can be done!***

***Borrow, Borrow, Borrow! And if you can't borrow it, buy it used and sanitize the shiz out of it! It doesn't make you stingy. It means you're smart. Baby stuff only lasts so long, takes up a lot of space, and is EXPENSIVE. There are tons of people on KSL trying to get rid of their baby crap.***
*The Straight Jacket* 
(It's actually called the SwaddleMe, but let's call  a spade a spade)

Why it saved our lives - It keeps the baby swaddled which provides them with comfort and a looooooooong nights sleep (10-12 hrs for my bambina), It keeps the baby warm, You don't have to worry about the baby becoming unswaddled and suffocating like you will with a regular blanket.

The only hard thing about this was trying to ween her off of it. The night I took it away I swear she woke up 10 times. It turns out I was taking it away too early. I gave her another month and tried again and now she's sleeping just fine.  

*White Noise*

Everything I read said white noise would help babies sleep longer, and because I'm a sleep whore I had to investigate. I found this little gem of a site that lets you download white noise MP3's.
I downloaded them on my iPod, put that sucker on repeat, and play it in her room all night long. Way cheaper than buying a $50 noise machine! (are you still reading with an accent?)

*The SnotSucker*

Don't vomit.Being a mother is gross, you just need to accept it and get over it. This thing is the bomb DOT com. If you don't believe me look up the reviews on Amazon.  

*The JJ Cole Carseat Blanket*

The reasons why I love this are three fold. It keeps Eva warm and snuggly, I don't have to take a blanket everywhere I go, and because she has a severe pooping problem and sometimes it leaks out of her pants and everything. SO SICK! Anyway, this has been great because when poop disaster strikes, I don't have to tear apart the whole carseat to clean it. I just have to wash the blanket. SCORE! 

 *Hyland's Teething Tablets*

The Diva is still toothless, but I can tell when her gums hurt (or I just want her to shutup so I drug her). I had a few people recommend these teething tablets to me, so i gave them a shot. They are all natural, dissolvable, magical, and available at your local Wal-Mart. 

*The Bath Sponge*

This is a muy bueno alternative to a plastic tub because it was only $8, it just looks pretty comfy, and it doesn't take a lot of space to store it. I make sure and put a wash cloth under her booty, just in case!

Monday, April 23, 2012

The Freakin Weekend

Here's The Cute, The Good, The Wonderful, The Awesome, The Bad, The Ugly, and the Terrible.... And a weird dream story.

The Cute - Eva's hair. She has some rough weekends.

The Good - Eva rolled over from her front to her back like a bajillion times. She did it twice back in January, but hasn't since. This is her "I know how to get 'er done" face.

 The Wonderful - Derrick got to spend the whole weekend with us! That literally hasn't happened since I calved in the hospital. We got to take naps, and eat dinner together, go on a drive, and hang with some friends. That might sound lame to you, but it was neato to me.  

The Awesome -  I finally won something on Ebay! I've been trying forev, but freakin' fetchers keep outbidding me! It's a swimsuit for Eva. Brand new for $7.60. Woop!

The Ugly - Eva has acid reflux. I got done feeding her yesterday, picked her up and kissed her cuteness. She totally threw up in my mouth. It was absolutely disgusting. I had baby puke in my mouth, running down my chin, in my hair, everywhere! On the plus side, it wasn't chunky and breast milk doesn't taste too bad! No pictures of this disaster. Sorry.

The Terrible - We talked to one of our future neighbors and he told us he killed seven rattlesnakes last year. That's right SEVEN RATTLESNAKES. He said one was four feet long and had eleven rattles. I'm skurred. 

The Dream - This didn't happen this weekend, but I thought it was worth sharing since rattlesnakes are obviously going to plague my existence. Ever since my boobies started making milk I can feel little vibrations in them. Well, one night I dreamed that I swallowed two rattlesnakes and they both slithered into each boob. Then, when they would shake their rattles that's what would make my boobs vibrate. WTFreak right?! So weird. 

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Blog Revival!!!


Having a baby is rough.
I'm talking kick you in the crotch rough.
And that's pretty much literal depending on which way you deliver.

So, please excuse the lack of blogging, because apparently I'm not the type who can just "bounce back". I still have a hard time making it to the grocery store before 5:00 and Eva is three months old!

 It seriously took me two days to write this. Bla. I'm in a writing rut. Let's see some pictures that prove I have birthed a Diva.

Exhibit A: She was born with highlights.

Exhibit B: She poses herself when she sleeps.

Exhibit C: She tans.

Exhibit D: She knows how to be dramatic

Exhibit D: She clutches her binki holder like a purse.

And Exhibit E: Here she is practicing for her debut in the chubby version of Dirty Dancing.

"Nobody puts baby in a corner"