Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Twigh-love or Twigh-lame?

Attention Die Hards
Do Not Read, if You Don't Want to Be Offended
If You Do Read Please Don't Plot My Death
It's Just An Opinion

Where do I begin? I'll begin at the beginning. I was given the first Twilight book to read. Read it, liked it. Then I read the second one. Hated it. Then I read the third one and I'm having trouble recalling what happened in that one (I know, I know. I'm going to hell cuz I've only read them once. James might as well come back to life and kill me. I'd let him though. He's a Hottie Pants Vampire) but I do remember liking it. And then I finished the fourth one and I didn't really like it at all. So when I heard the movie was coming out I was like cool, I'll have to go see it.

But the girls at my work were like "BAAAHH!!!!! Twilight movie! OMG! My life is almost complete! Now all I need is a lifesize Edward poster so he can watch me in my sleep!" It's like if it even came up in covo they went into heat. And these girls aren't 16 anymore either. And they're married. So the movie came out and a girl from work went to see it at midnight on Thurs. I walk in the office at 8:00 on Friday and all I'm hearing is Edward, vampire, swoon, suck blood, Bella, Jacob, love on and on and on, So I leave. I go back in around 10:00. They're still Twilight struck. I go back in at 1:00 and I actually had to stay in there for a minute.

Girl 1 (hasn't read the books or seen the movie, but still seems to be obsessed) : "Well how come Edward can stand to be around Bella and not suck her blood, Cuz I know in all the other vampire movies I've seen if a vampire wants a woman he's attracted to he'll just bite her and turn her into a vampiress to be one of his women."

Girl 2 (seen movie 3 times that I know of, and read the books like a gazillion times): "Well cuz Edward loves her so much that he doesn't want to hurt her."

Girl 1: Says pretty much the same thing over again... and then, "Well how come Edward can do that?" Blah Blah Blah

Me(piping up for the first time all day) : Ummm It's Make Believe.

Girl 2 looks at me the way little kids do when they find out Santa isn't real. I saw the shock and the hurt and the disbelief all rolled into one.

Girl 1 turns around and snaps back, "Well I know that, but" and asks the same question over again that she's been asking the entire time.

I leave the room, once again, and don't return.

Yesterday I saw the movie with my mom. What a freakin joke! If I hadn't read the book I probably would have walked out or if I was feeling dramatic I would have bought a licorice rope and tried to hang myself with it. The first hour and a half bites the weenie. And there were grown women there actually laughing at the parts they attempted to make funny. i.e. When Charlie is loading the gun, when Jacob's dad tries to get down with the way teens talk. The only explanation I can offer is that they've just been weaned off of Little House on the Prairie.

Even if I was a 15 year old, I still would have thought this movie sucked. "You'd better hold on tight spider monkey" ??? I almost threw up the Wendys I snuck into my purse to eat in the theatre.

Does Bella even smile with her teeth through any of it? She needs to get off the "depressed teenager because I'm so much more mature than my mom, and my dad, and everyone else I come in contact with combined" phase like pronto or she's gonna get her face kicked in.

I did like the baseball game and the ballet room. Edward was better than I thought he would be. Charlie and Jacob were my favorite though.

If a movie this craptacular can make 70 million in one weekend I can understand why we're in a financial crisis.

Sorry to be a Bella and Edward hater, but I Yam What I Yam.

On a lighter note

This is the best Twilight related media I've seen

Monday, November 24, 2008

Ang the Awesome

Super Crazy Busy Tear my own Hair out of My Head Weekend!
It was Angela's b-day this weekend! She's lookin good for 29! She must have inherited Grandma Babe's genes. Lucky!

Brittni made her this adorable Rainbow Brite cake, but we didn't eat it. We ate a Kent's cake (best frosting ever) and opened presents and played cards. It was fun.

As a tribute to my sista here is a thingy with all the letters of her name that describe her.

A - Adorable

N - Naughty

G - Grrr baby

E - Extraordinary

L - Love Machine

A - Amiable

I Give You.... Derelict!

Happy (late) B-day
Pooky Bear Snuggle Bug Handsome Face!!!

Yup, my 5'10, pure muscle, blond hair blue eyed, goatee sporting, football loving, hunk of love boyfriend that won't watch any movies unless there's gonna be some violence or brief nudity in them is one year older! I'll let you do the guessing at how old he is. I don't want to give out too much info to any stalkers out there!

On Thursday night I had him blindfolded and took him up to Sherwood Hills Spa and we got the best hot stone massages! Yum! He totally knew where we were going the whole time though because he sat paid attention to every turn, and the railroad tracks, and the curves in the road, and the speed limit and the stop signs. He knows Logan like the back of his hand. Ridiculous. And then to top it off when I got him inside the phone rang and the girl at the front desk was like "Sherwood Hills Resort". Lame, but it was still fun.

On Friday I went to his house and took him his presents and then we went and got smoothies and then we went and sat in the massage chairs at Fisher Home Furnishings for like EVER. I should hate those things because they put me out of business, but we were in heaven. Derrick found one that massaged his butt and I found one that stretches your body out. I'm looking forward to fake shopping for furniture again sometime soon!

Then we drove down to Tepanyaki and... Surprise!

A bunch of his friends were there at the same time we were! Talk about coincidental. This was the best part of his b-day in my opinion. The food is to die for and I'm still alive despite the 4 pounds of butter they used on it and the company was fantastic because all of Derrick's friends married cool people (that eliminates the fake awkward "I'm nice to you because I have to be" part of married couple hang outs and church gatherings that happens all too often) and our waitress totally complimented my rack which was kind of embarrassing, but flattering because she thought I bought Barnes and Noble, but I didn't! I just inherited good genes. Thanks Mom! And she told Derrick that he looks like early early 20's. He liked that.

And THEN we went to his parents house for Sunday dinner on Sunday believe it or not(weird... I know) and had a birthday celebration feast. We're talkin steak, shrimp, salads, homemade rolls, the freakin works. I know you're all jealous.

Talk about a super duper birthday weekend!

I'll make one of those name describing things for him too.

D - Delectable

E - Easy

(take it however you like)

R - Radical

R - Ridiculously Good Looking

I - Irresistable

C - Courageous

K - Kinky

(I don't even know what that means. I promise, it's just all I could think of)

Thanks for being born and staying alive babe!

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Would You Rather?

I'm starting a Would You Rather Poll every week it'll be at the top of my page to the right. Don't forget to vote! (even all you anonymous stalkers) It's easy. All you have to do is pretend that someone is going to force you to do one of the things and pick which one you would be most likely to choose if forced.
Would You Rather...
Have a butt full of worms
A mouth full of ticks?
Hmm this is a tough one! I'm going to go with a butt full of worms because they move slower and don't suck blood. Anyway I used to play this with a group of friends sometimes and it was fun to see what people will decide. Derrick got me a whole book full of them for a present one time! Yay! So, some of them will be from the book and some of them will be ones I make up. If you have one that you make up that you want me to post
your wish will be granted.

Get your bums to the poll!

Monday, November 17, 2008

My Current Obsession

IDK why I'm blogging about this. I'm just that bored I guess.
Maybe it will help someone who has my same dilemma.
Every once in a while I will go through this weird stock up on
stuff and see how cheap I can find it phase.

This spring and summer it was books.

Then I decided I want a signature scent,
so when people smell it they're like hmm...

fun, bangin, adorable, irresistible
It must be Ashley :)
so now...
it's perfume

Here's how the hunt is going
First purchase:

Princess by Vera Wang

I love this smell! And the bottle is freakin cute! The things that suck about this is that it's an EDT and not an EDP so it doesn't last very long and it's pretty expensive so I hate to have to reapply like every two hours and everytime I put it on it would give me a headache. But it smelled so good I didn't even care. It's pretty fruity with some musk, amber and vanilly mixed in when it dries. Perfect smell, but doesn't last. I heard the body butter lasts longer than the spray, so I might have to get some of that.

Light Blue by Dolce and Gabbana

Whenever I smell this on people I LOVE IT and can totally recognize it. It's light and clean and a little bit woodsy, but as far as the spray on the card thing goes I smell too much green apple and it just doesn't appeal to me so I don't really know why I got this. Maybe I just felt like being trendy. I actually didn't buy the real thing. InStyle makes an imitation that smells just like it for $11 so I got some of that instead of spending like $70. Anyway it was just an impulse buy and I got it because I love the way it smells on other people, but I couldn't force myself to put it on me because I didn't want to smell like a Jolly Rancher all day. A lady fom my work bought it from me and it smells way good on her. Maybe I'll buy another bottle cuz it's so cheap and try it out. Bottom line. I'm a freak to buy a perfume and not ever even try it on myself cuz I don't like the way it smells on paper.

Ed Hardy by Christian Audigier

This is a really good one for summer. It's kind of like Princess where it starts out really fruity and then fades to a musky amber. There's no vanilla though and it's not quite as cotton candy sweet as Princess is. It doesn't stay as long as I would like it to, but I get compliments when I wear it. I guess to sum it up it's sweet and musky. I wore it all summer so I'm kind of sick of it, but I'm sure I'll like it again next summer.


Dream Angels Heavenly by Victorias Secret

My cousin would always put this on when we were getting ready to go somewhere and she always smelled good. Not overpowering or too girly or anything. Just soft and pleasant and good. So being the numero uno fragrance in America and since I found the big bottle on the internet for like 30 bucks I thought I'd give it a shot. This perfume smells like butt on me! Death by fragrance. I hated it when I first put it on. So the night I got it, right before I went to bed I decided to spray a little on again, just to make sure I needed to sell it to someone. Yup I was decided.... Until I woke up the next morning and I smelled freakin fantastic! So now this is a keeper. It just has a weird spicy note at the first that doesn't agree with my chemistry, but after the dry down it actually smells really good. So the pitfalls are smelling like everyone else and I have to wait a while before I can go somewhere for it to smell good on me, but Derrick likes it so since I'm a nice g/f I'll keep it.


Fantasy by Britney Spears

That's right, I'm contributing to her millions. I also love her new song. This is a good perfume if you like girly foody smells and it has a cute bottle. Some kid bought me this lotion when he was trying to woo me over a couple years ago and I've really liked it ever since. It stays all day, it smells really good. Even my mom likes it, but she can't wear anything that's by "somebody" SJP, Britney Spears, J Lo. You know what I'm talkin about. So anyway I've just always had the lotion, and I decided to buy the perfume cuz I found it cheap and it's just as good as ever. So I guess this is a staple for me, but not my signature.

Coming in the mail:

Very Sexy by Vicorias Secret

A chick on ebay was selling her lotion and her big bottle of perfume that she has hardly used and I outbid all the other poor suckers who were bidding with 15 seconds left! I got them both for like 30 bucks! Holla! I know I like this smell cuz I've used it when my friends have had it. Definitely not a day smelll for work and what not cuz it's a little too strong, but I do remember liking it a lot so it will just be nice to have around.

On my wish list

Viva La Juicy by Juicy Couture

In a word... YUM! This just came out this fall so it will be hard to find it anywhere on the cheap side for a while, but I'm savin up! This could very well be it ladies and gents.

Pray for me!
If anyone has any favorites they think I might enjoy send your ideas my way!

Love your guts and thx for reading!

Friday, November 14, 2008

First Cold Blooded Kill :(

Last Saturday Derrick took me on what he would probably call The Date of a Lifetime and I know he secretly wants me to blog about it so this one's for you Pooky!
We'll start with a little background I rent a basement that has a farm next to it. Mice? Check. Mouse living in my trunk? Check. Mouse living in my house? Check.


We cleaned out my car to be the best it's ever looked and I put some Peppermint Extract on cotton balls and set them in some places because they hate that smell, so the mouse in my car is gone and the mouse in my basement decided my food wasn't good enough for him so they caught him upstairs. Problem solved. Except all this trap setting must have turned Derrick into a Trappin Fool beacause he decided to catch the raccoons down on the farm.
Pesky Varmint Catching has always been a hobby I've wanted to pursue.
My dreams are FINALLY coming true!

So, he set a live trap and put a twinkie in there and a couple days later, TA DA!!! There's a coon!This isn't a very good shot, but it's the best I could do. This thing was huge! We thought she was going to be mean, but she just looked sad. She looked up at us with these big "please don't kill me" eyes at one point and it seriously just made me want to let her go, but I got to hold the flashlight while Derrick murdered her instead.

Then we go to his friend's shed AKA, The Death Chamber. Serious. It even smelled like death. Let me paint you a picture. There was a coyote body in a black bag with with his skin on the table and this pinkish/white body (a badger) hanging from the ceiling by its legs. The badger's skin was on the table too.
(Side note: I'm grateful I don't have a penis, so I'm not driven to do things like this)
I'm surprised this place send me over the edge.
because it gets worse....
Then they started cracking bones to get the skin to come off of her innocent lifeless dead body! After about an hour of bone crackin and sawing through flesh and fur we made it out of there alive and now Derrick has a raccoon skin in his freezer.
He told me he'd make me some lingerie out of it. Bonus!
I would feel differently about the situation if the raccoon had a fighting chance, but all she wanted was a Twinkie, man.

Anyway, it was the first animal kill Derrick's ever had so
Good trappin/shootin/skinnin dude!

Monday, November 10, 2008

Come and See Your Future!

Horoscopes were designed by yours truly
(and the stars of course)
They took me a long time so
Please take them seriously.
Aries March 21 - April 19th
You may have had a crappy month last month, but there's no use cryin over spilled milk. It's time to have your cake and eat it too. In other words, GET A LIFE! Quit trying to hide who you really are. Do the things that make you happy. You know what I'm talkin about. Don't be bashful. Sing those showtunes out loud! Sleep with your old stuffed animals! Pick your nose and eat it! Stalk your old bf's/gf's and see how ugly their new squeeze and their kids are and laugh! Anything that people don't normally do, you need to do this month if it makes you happy. Who cares if other people are wondering when you came out of the closet or stepped onto the crazy train. As long as you're having fun!

Taurus April 20 - May 20
You are a horned beast and this month it will show! If you're a woman the poor men around you will seriously wonder how you can PMS all month long! And if you're a man, the women around you will start looking through your things to find and hide the 'roids. (not that you need them, you're huge on your own. Deep breaths) Try to relax. Avoid people and things that set you off. Take a shot of whiskey with your diet coke in the morning, but only after you slather yourself in theraputic aromatherapy oil and do some yoga. No one wants to find you in the downward dog gone wrong! Don't rage and drive. It's a full moon in your sign on the 13th (spooky) so let's try to keep the crazy under control.

Gemini May 21- June 21
Oh my Gemini! Is your past creeping back into your life to haunt your A? If it hasn't happened yet, it's about to. It's time to turn to giving unto others to rid yourself of bad karma. Spend as much time serving as you do looking in the mirror or watching football and you'll be golden. Give an ugly person you see a makeover (mirror time bonus b/c you'll be in front of one SERVING as a makeover artist) or give that nerd in one of your classes the phone number of the Butter Face girl who is totally into you, but you don't want to be seen in daylight with. This will help you remember that just because you were born smokin hot that doesn't mean you were meant to be self centered and snotty.

Cancer June 22 - July 22
Sad news... The stars didn't align in your favor this month. People are still going to think you're retarded. Keep your tongue in your mouth while tying your shoes and it's also been predicted that if you keep your fingers out of your nose this month, that will put a significant stop to those nose bleeds you've been having. Keep your chin up (make sure you wipe off the drool) Don't forget your slogan... Life is hawd when people think you're a we todd.

Leo July 23 - August 22
This month is all about indulgence. Leo becomes the Lion! Throw caution to the wind. Take naps at work, eat as much as you want, sleep in, leave the toilet seat up, give dirty looks in church, make whoopy wherever/whenever or be stingy if you don't really like whoopy. If you're late for an appointment, who gives a crap? The world around you is your play-doh. Mold it into something beautiful for you.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
All you virgo's should be in high spirits this month because you've earned it baby! Not wetting the bed last month and changing your underwear at least once every 3 days this month has gotta feel good in and of itself, but if you can keep it up fate has decided to bless you with much more. Not only will people stop talking about how much you stink (Thanks to no more skid marks cuz you change your undies! Woot Woot) and how sad your life must be, but your love life is also going to improve dramatically and you'll be getting some serious boo-tay! Prep the candles, wash your sheets, clean your couch cushions, brush your teeth twice a day, and give in to what the Goddess of Love has to offer.

Libra September 23 - October 22
Feeling unlucky in love? Now's the time for change! Men, let's retire the nickname for you know who and the leopard thong for a while. The ladies aren't going to swoon and surrender to [Insert Name i.e Mojo Master/Tornado Tex/King Cobra/Your Napoleon] any time soon. Stick to your charm and incredible wit. If that doesn't work, stick to alcohol. Ladies, remember the more beer he drinks, the better you're gonna look!

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Emotionally you may be feeling a little insecure this month. Don't let your insecurities dictate who you are! It's time to get in touch with who you were right when you were fresh out of the womb. We're talking some No Limits November Nudity! Anything goes. Mow the lawn in the buff, Cook dinner for your family totally Nakie, Go to the drive through flashin your bits. People will stare, Kids may cry, but none of that matters because you, my friend, are bangin! Embrace the all natural you!

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
It's almost your birthday, shout hooray!!! Dull and dreary things might be springing up in your life in the beginning of this month, but not to fret. Things are looking up mid month if you'll step out of your comfort zone. Try something new and adventurous and naughty! Take your blog off of private, just to see if that stalker will really come find you, rent a convertible for an hour and blast the music with the top down and the heater going full blast with sunglasses on in the middle of a storm, eat at the place that gives you the worst gas ever, go to get a massage the next day, and fart your face off, buy silk sheets and sleep completely naked in them and then return the sheets, high five someone in the face as hard as you can and say it was an accident. The possibilites are endless. Mischievious will be your new middle name.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Financial woes are everywhere and the holidays are just around the corner! Be practical in your gift giving. No one rememberswhat you got them last year and this year won't be any different. Since you'll be saving money on your gift giving pocket some away because the holidays are the perfect time to exact revenge on your boss/those B.I.'s in Relief Society/your mother in law. Anyone who causes you grief. Make some brownies with dog poo in them or cookies with a super strong laxative and deliver them to your chosen enemy with one of those cutesy little secret goody deliverer holdiay poems and no one will suspect a thing. Happy Revengadays!!! Muah ha ha

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Your luck is changing! This month should be totally awesome for you! A hot bikini model/Chip and Dale man will show up at your door with 2 full paid hours of sucking face/taking hot pics with them. Your significant other won't even be mad and your friends will be SOOOO jealous. You'll also score some major points with mr/mrs hottie pants (or no pants tee hee)and they say they'll be back next weekend free of charge. Every time you turn on the radio one of your favorite songs will be playing, you'll never have to stop at a red light, and you'll magically lose 20 pounds! Holy crap the stars love you!!! And you're a total sucker! Truthfully the chances of your life improving this month are slim to none. Sorry! Better luck next time.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
Dear Pisces, is your life falling to pieces? Let's take time out and get to the root of the problem. Holiday stress? Money troubles? Want to rip your OWN head off because it constantly feels like your brain might explode? Keep breathin and listen: The stars have sent us Meds! Go to the doc, tell him your troubs and it will be a win win. Your stress will be gone because there's a chilled out weed smokin party in your brain and people will think you're a riot! Limit yourself to just using during the holidays and see what happens. If you're a Mo Mo or a Peter Priesthood you'll fit right in with the rest of the ward. You can even swap meds and see what kind of crazy scripture chasin, funeral casserole bakin fun you kids can get into! Good luck!