Monday, November 5, 2012

Nelly ain't Got Nothin on Me

My mom wanted all of our family to write a letter to Dylan to read while he was flying out to Washington. 
Here is the rap I promised to post. 
Tupac lives within me.

Yo! Yo! What up Bro?
I'm just livin' the dirty life, but I ain't no ho!

I know you're sittin' on a plane, just killin' time.
So I'll facilitate you, and provide this rhyme.

All your bags are packed, you've got a full canteen,
Now it's time to get in the missionary routine!

You gotta get up early and hit those knees!
Do some pushups, and give your killa' guns a squeeze!

 Get your butt outside and hop on your dope hog.
Don't forge your helmet to protect your nog'!

You're lookin like a boss in your suit and tie.
You're dressed to kill, you're super fly!

Investigataz and hataz best watch out in the WA,
Cuz here comes a bad A, DYLAN RAY!

Instead of poppin' caps, you'll be bustin' out scriptcha!
And, I'll pray that the Holy Ghost be with cha!

Ain't no need to get skurr and have a whack attack,
cuz you're homeboy Jesus has got your back.

Now go out there, and spread the word.
The gospel is the shiz, ain't ya heard?

We're proud of you Dyl, Way to be!
Love - Me, Big D, & Eva Marie

Friday, November 2, 2012


I've turned into a homebody. It's just better for my sanity if we stay home. When we need to go out for more than an hour, I literally almost always have a panic attack trying to get ready and I'm ALWAYS late! Do you think it's time I embrace the crazy and start to medicate? I hate packing up diapers and wipes and worrying about feeding Eva and her nap time and all that baby stuff. And, I swear she poops right when I'm about to put her in the car. Plus, I'm still breastfeeding and I'm just not that comfy with pulling my fun bags out for the world to see. 

Now, if you come to my church it's a rare occasion if you DON'T see boobies! Every Sunday I'm just waiting for National Geographic to show up. Derrick's never wanted to go to church more! Some mom's are pretty good about it, but others just let them flop all over the place! It's insane to me. Like, seriously, go in the Mother's Room! That's what it is there for. Oh yeah, and while I'm on the "Mother's Room" don't throw your kids poopy diapers in there. Honestly people have some respect! 

I'm sure people will read this and be like "It's beautiful and natural. Wah Wah Wah." I totally agree, and trust me, if there is anyone that's okay with nakedness, it's me. I massage naked people ALL. THE. TIME. I had to get naked at massage school every day for 7 months, but when I was growing up I was taught that boobs are a private part and I'm pretty sure my parents would have been disappointed if I had gone around flashing them in public, especially at church. So, why is it different if there is a baby attached?

I'm obviously rambling like a crazy person. I'll tell you a secret (I'm on a pain pill) shhhh! I'm not abusing though. I was in real pain! Not anymore! Apparently I'm either angry or really stupid when I take pain meds. I guess today is an angry day.

Let me tell you a little tale about the last time I had an angry day.

It was Sunday night. The next day was Labor day. Around 10 PM I noticed some unusual lights coming from outside. There were some people running around outside with flashlights. I decided to stay up for a while and write my brother, Elder Anderson, a rap. (Pretty sure that's where the stupid comes in, but it did turn out pretty awesome! I'll post it later.)  

Around 11:30 I decided to retire to my bedroom. The window was open and my dear husband was sleeping soundly. As I tried to drift off into sweet slumber I hear loud laughter and screaming from out my window. I try to shake it off and re-enter dream mode. This goes on for another half an hour. I decide to get up and shut the window, in hopes that the annoying people outside will hear it and take a hint. 

The laughter and shrieking of stupid college kids continues to disturb my peace. It is now 12:30. This has gone on long enough! I get up, put on some of Derrick's basketball shorts and a T-shirt, and stomp downstairs. I unlock the door, step outside and witness around 7 grown adults standing in a circle with flashlight pointed at the ground. They have fallen silent at the sight of me. (I probably looked like a midget in Derrick's shorts. They always make me go quiet and stare too.) And then, the crazy person inside of me unleashed!

I said, "HEY! I'VE GOT A BABY IN THERE AND A HUSBAND WHO HAS TO GET UP IN 4 HOURS! COULD YOU PLEASE BE QUIET!!!!" And some stupid kid says, "sorry."  And I said, in the most exasperated/annoyed tone I could muster, "THANK YOU!".  And shut my door. And they shut-up. And I officially became the psycho who lives in number 163. 

(I don't really live in 163, I just don't dare put my real number on here. So, don't go looking for me there.)     

This post was going to be about Halloween. I don't know what happened.