Horn Beepers and Unpaid Whores

When I drive to one my places of employment, a car is frequently there with a big sticker in the rear window that says "If You're Going to Ride My A**, at Least Pull My Hair" in pink letters and then there are little lip prints by it. I also know a girl that had a bumper sticker that said "My Last Ride Was Your Missionary" I'm thinking of buying bumper stickers that say "Got Crabs?" and sticking them next to the other stickers on these cars. Maybe they have them at Joe's Crab Shack. Can you imagine all the scattered A that's been in those seats? Blech! I'd rather walk until my feet fell off than ride in the backseat of one of those cars. If you're a girl and you wanna sleep around that's fine, but there's no need to label yourself unless you're a hooker and you're gettin paid the big bucks.


I'm a fan of the Honk if you Heart Jesus bumper sticker because people may think you're kind of corny and stupid if you have that on your car, but at least you're labeling yourself as a lover of the Savior instead of a white trash slut. If everyone who loved Jesus honked at those bumper stickers there would be mass confusion on the highways and then the guy driving the minivan starts getting irritated because everyone is honking at him and he has no idea why so he starts screaming profanities and flipping people off with his 5 kids in the backseat spilling their fries and root beers EVERYWHERE and that would totally ruin the message he's trying to convey with his bumper sticker. Let's see if we can't make the world a better place by continuing to keep our honks to ourselves and staying off that girls A, unless you want to end up running around the Walmart aisles looking for that blue cream that Bret Michaels swears by.

Meat Chunks on Shiny Sticks are the Devil!

leads to...
On Wednesday Derrick (b/f) got some tickets from his work to go down to a Bee's game, so we got some friends together and headed down to Salt Lake. We figured we had plenty of time to eat and catch some of the game so we went to Rodizio's and let me tell you if you've never been there and you're a meat lover, this is the place for you. They don't really even have a menu you just get a salad bar and they bring around 16 different kinds of meat nonstop until you tell them you don't want anymore. If I was on the Sound of Music and they asked me to add one of my favorite things to their song, food would be at the top of the list, so naturally I was prepping myself for the best dining experience of my life. As you can see from the pic above it didn't turn out the way I'd planned. A $25 plate literally down the toilet and I'll probably be a vegetarian for at least the next week. There were 6 of us and I'm the only one that got food poisoning. So, if you you go there, don't be scared. The odds are in your favor. I was sick on the 24th so I got to experience what the pioneers felt after they ate some buffalo that had sat out in the sun too long. The only difference is I have the convenience of indoor plumbing and I got to watch TV insted of having to walk in blistering heat while I was puking my guts out. So humbling.

Dinner took so long that we missed most of the game, but when we were driving by a foul ball flew into the street and almost hit our truck so we turned around, hopped out, and ran to pick it up. Some snot faced 10 year old thought he would do the same thing. We just revved the engine and told him if he even thought about touching that ball to kiss his fat little legs goodbye. At least we got a little piece of the action. (I'm jk about the little kid. We were the only ones that even saw the ball. Calm down.)

First Post Interview

For my first post I decided to give myself a little Q&A. I'll be asking the Q's and answering the A's just so no one gets confused.

Disclaimer: This post contains what some would call potty words and may not be suitable for all readers.

Thank you so much for inviting me to sit at your desk for this interview Ashley. So, I'll just start with the question that's on everyones mind. Why did you start a blog?

Well Ashley, thanks to you for coming, and you could do me a favor and suck in a little more while you're here. Not that I'm trying to be rude, its just that I've heard rumors that chunky receptionists aren't pleasing to the eye here, and they might get their hours cut back, or even worse "laid off".

Oh I guess I'll have to bust out some cardio and some crunches before the next interview then, and since we're being honest about appearances right now, your hair looks like crap.

Well for your information, I woke up late. But back to the question. I felt it was only fair that since a great portion of my work day is spent blog stalking I might as well try to contribute something to the blogging community and it's also a nice way to journal.

Fascinating... So why did you choose blackchicken-honey for your url?

When I was little and I loved pot roast, but I thought it was black chicken, so I gave that as a middle name to myself. I was Ashley Black Chicken Lyn Anderson. And Honey is just a nickname my brother would call me when he was just a youngun and it's always stuck with my family and family friends. And obviously I'm not married so my url couldn't be like Ashleyandsoandso.blogspot.com. I mean lets get real here.

Marriage! It's so funny you would bring that up because I was just about to ask: Why aren't you married?

I don't know. Why aren't you dead? Seriously the next person that asks me that is going to get kicked in the crotch. Maybe I'll just start saying it's because my boyfriend and I are swingers, and if you're a swinger that means you're immoral, and if you're immoral, you can't go to the temple. And then when people are reading the Leader or the HJ and see that you're not going through the temple, you're talked about behind your back and you're an outcast to society. So I'm not married because I swing. So, newsflash to you! If it doesn't concern you, mind your own business.

Ok psycho. Can you even be a swinger if you're not married? And if your life doesn't concern other people, why are you starting a blog? And why are you even doing this interview? Aren't interviews all about asking questions that aren't other peoples business?

Quit trying to contradict ourselves! Just ask another question.

Ok, what's your sign baby?

I'm a taurus which means I can be stubborn, but I'm also easygoing and not one to pick a fight. I'm also not fond of change and I prefer comfortable, creative settings and objects. Oh yeah and you shouldn't cross me or the wrath will be known... no big whoop right? I bet this is getting boring... are you done yet?

Hold on let's jump to something more interesting, oh here's an FAQ. Just how big are your boobs now, and are they real?

Wow, interestingly enough I get that question asked about as much as the marriage one. A guy that had my phone number text me once and said "girl, what size is your chest?" And I gave him a piece of my mind. Thank goodness for text messaging or I probably wouldn't have had the guts to say anything. Then I dumped a bottle of hand sanitizer on my phone. Anyway in the words of the Seinfeld lady "They're real and they're spectacular" Size is not a fact that needs to be called to anyones attention. Just know that I haven't found a decent fitting swimming suit for 2 years and they're spectacular enough to make my back hurt. Don't be jealous.

I'm not. I think they make you look fat.

Too true, too true. So much for sucking in. Well I think I'm done with questions for today. If anyone else has any that they would like me to answer feel free to ask and Happy Stalking!