Come and See Your Future!

Horoscopes were designed by yours truly

(and the stars of course)

They took me a long time so

Please take them seriously.

Aries March 21 - April 19th

You may have had a crappy month last month, but there's no use cryin over spilled milk. It's time to have your cake and eat it too. In other words, GET A LIFE! Quit trying to hide who you really are. Do the things that make you happy. You know what I'm talkin about. Don't be bashful. Sing those showtunes out loud! Sleep with your old stuffed animals! Pick your nose and eat it! Stalk your old bf's/gf's and see how ugly their new squeeze and their kids are and laugh! Anything that people don't normally do, you need to do this month if it makes you happy. Who cares if other people are wondering when you came out of the closet or stepped onto the crazy train. As long as you're having fun!

Taurus April 20 - May 20

You are a horned beast and this month it will show! If you're a woman the poor men around you will seriously wonder how you can PMS all month long! And if you're a man, the women around you will start looking through your things to find and hide the 'roids. (not that you need them, you're huge on your own. Deep breaths) Try to relax. Avoid people and things that set you off. Take a shot of whiskey with your diet coke in the morning, but only after you slather yourself in theraputic aromatherapy oil and do some yoga. No one wants to find you in the downward dog gone wrong! Don't rage and drive. It's a full moon in your sign on the 13th (spooky) so let's try to keep the crazy under control.

Gemini May 21- June 21

Oh my Gemini! Is your past creeping back into your life to haunt your A? If it hasn't happened yet, it's about to. It's time to turn to giving unto others to rid yourself of bad karma. Spend as much time serving as you do looking in the mirror or watching football and you'll be golden. Give an ugly person you see a makeover (mirror time bonus b/c you'll be in front of one SERVING as a makeover artist) or give that nerd in one of your classes the phone number of the Butter Face girl who is totally into you, but you don't want to be seen in daylight with. This will help you remember that just because you were born smokin hot that doesn't mean you were meant to be self centered and snotty.


Cancer June 22 - July 22

Sad news... The stars didn't align in your favor this month. People are still going to think you're retarded. Keep your tongue in your mouth while tying your shoes and it's also been predicted that if you keep your fingers out of your nose this month, that will put a significant stop to those nose bleeds you've been having. Keep your chin up (make sure you wipe off the drool) Don't forget your slogan... Life is hawd when people think you're a we todd.


Leo July 23 - August 22

This month is all about indulgence. Leo becomes the Lion! Throw caution to the wind. Take naps at work, eat as much as you want, sleep in, leave the toilet seat up, give dirty looks in church, make whoopy wherever/whenever or be stingy if you don't really like whoopy. If you're late for an appointment, who gives a crap? The world around you is your play-doh. Mold it into something beautiful for you.


Virgo August 23 - September 22

All you virgo's should be in high spirits this month because you've earned it baby! Not wetting the bed last month and changing your underwear at least once every 3 days this month has gotta feel good in and of itself, but if you can keep it up fate has decided to bless you with much more. Not only will people stop talking about how much you stink (Thanks to no more skid marks cuz you change your undies! Woot Woot) and how sad your life must be, but your love life is also going to improve dramatically and you'll be getting some serious boo-tay! Prep the candles, wash your sheets, clean your couch cushions, brush your teeth twice a day, and give in to what the Goddess of Love has to offer.


Libra September 23 - October 22

Feeling unlucky in love? Now's the time for change! Men, let's retire the nickname for you know who and the leopard thong for a while. The ladies aren't going to swoon and surrender to [Insert Name i.e Mojo Master/Tornado Tex/King Cobra/Your Napoleon] any time soon. Stick to your charm and incredible wit. If that doesn't work, stick to alcohol. Ladies, remember the more beer he drinks, the better you're gonna look!


Scorpio October 23 - November 21

Emotionally you may be feeling a little insecure this month. Don't let your insecurities dictate who you are! It's time to get in touch with who you were right when you were fresh out of the womb. We're talking some No Limits November Nudity! Anything goes. Mow the lawn in the buff, Cook dinner for your family totally Nakie, Go to the drive through flashin your bits. People will stare, Kids may cry, but none of that matters because you, my friend, are bangin! Embrace the all natural you!


Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

It's almost your birthday, shout hooray!!! Dull and dreary things might be springing up in your life in the beginning of this month, but not to fret. Things are looking up mid month if you'll step out of your comfort zone. Try something new and adventurous and naughty! Take your blog off of private, just to see if that stalker will really come find you, rent a convertible for an hour and blast the music with the top down and the heater going full blast with sunglasses on in the middle of a storm, eat at the place that gives you the worst gas ever, go to get a massage the next day, and fart your face off, buy silk sheets and sleep completely naked in them and then return the sheets, high five someone in the face as hard as you can and say it was an accident. The possibilites are endless. Mischievious will be your new middle name.


Capricorn December 22 - January 19

Financial woes are everywhere and the holidays are just around the corner! Be practical in your gift giving. No one rememberswhat you got them last year and this year won't be any different. Since you'll be saving money on your gift giving pocket some away because the holidays are the perfect time to exact revenge on your boss/those B.I.'s in Relief Society/your mother in law. Anyone who causes you grief. Make some brownies with dog poo in them or cookies with a super strong laxative and deliver them to your chosen enemy with one of those cutesy little secret goody deliverer holdiay poems and no one will suspect a thing. Happy Revengadays!!! Muah ha ha


Aquarius January 20 - February 18

Your luck is changing! This month should be totally awesome for you! A hot bikini model/Chip and Dale man will show up at your door with 2 full paid hours of sucking face/taking hot pics with them. Your significant other won't even be mad and your friends will be SOOOO jealous. You'll also score some major points with mr/mrs hottie pants (or no pants tee hee)and they say they'll be back next weekend free of charge. Every time you turn on the radio one of your favorite songs will be playing, you'll never have to stop at a red light, and you'll magically lose 20 pounds! Holy crap the stars love you!!! And you're a total sucker! Truthfully the chances of your life improving this month are slim to none. Sorry! Better luck next time.


Pisces February 19 - March 20

Dear Pisces, is your life falling to pieces? Let's take time out and get to the root of the problem. Holiday stress? Money troubles? Want to rip your OWN head off because it constantly feels like your brain might explode? Keep breathin and listen: The stars have sent us Meds! Go to the doc, tell him your troubs and it will be a win win. Your stress will be gone because there's a chilled out weed smokin party in your brain and people will think you're a riot! Limit yourself to just using during the holidays and see what happens. If you're a Mo Mo or a Peter Priesthood you'll fit right in with the rest of the ward. You can even swap meds and see what kind of crazy scripture chasin, funeral casserole bakin fun you kids can get into! Good luck!