Favorite things: Vanity Edition

Every. dang. day.

But seriously, do you ever go through stages where you feel bleh and want to paperbag your face? I do. I just look in the mirror and it's like Ham Porter is right behind me saying, "If my dog were as ugly as you, I'd shave it's butt and tell it to walk backwards." 

I started reading a new blog a few months ago. The Honeybee. This woman is everything I want to look like and dress like. Although, my MoMo undies and saggy mom breasts probably wouldn't go well with most of her outfits. (I don't even feel like breasts is an accurate description of my boobs anymore. Breasts just sounds too sexy. Floppy chest ornaments? Hmmm, too long. I'll think of something. But just know for a fact that I would fit right in with those naked ladies in National Geographic these days.) Seriously, look at her post baby body! Um, do I sound obsessed? She might need to get a restraining order on me.

One night after perusing her blog I literally googled "lip injections". Then, I found out that they are way expensive and don't always have the best looking or most long lasting results. So, I looked on YouTube for a tutorial on "how to make your lips appear fuller." And, I stumbled upon a drag queens video on how he/she makes his/her lips more womanly. Haha! I was so uncomfortable. And then, I died laughing. What the heck is wrong with me?

Anyway, I concluded that all us creatures with lady parts (and some without according to that YouTube video I couldn't stop watching) just want to feel pretty. And while I can only afford pretty at drug store prices (with the occasional splurge) I thought I would share my favorite things BEAUTY.

Burt's Bees Tinted Lip Balm

This is a new one for me, but it's been love at first lip smack. I have absolutely no pigment to my lips. We are talking Zombie lips! Therefore,  my lips get hammered from wearing lipstick all of the time. I was desperate for something healing, with a little color and this is the ticket. I have the "Rose" shade. It's perfect and natural looking. "Just a kiss of color"! MUAH!

Maybelline Color Tatoo Eye Shadow




If you use a light hand this is an excellent base. Your eyelids butt cracks (creases) don't show up ALL the live long DAY. 

MAC Eye Kohl Eyeliner in Teddy

This is my splurge and has been my go to eyeliner for about the past 7 or 8ish years. Plus a pencil can last me a little over a year, so I consider it justified. I owe my introduction to this beauty to my mother. She has a HUGE  slight makeup obsession. It is described on their website as an "intense bronze". (Really MAC? You make a bajillions of moneys and you can't find someone better to write your eyeliner descriptions?) This is actually a rich brown with a hint of deep plum and gold shimmer. Glides on like butter. If I had one item of makeup to take to my grave this would be it.   

Revlon Lash Potion Mascara

And, I'm ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS on the hunt for a great mascara. I usually stick to L'oreal (they have some great ones!), but I was hearing amazeballs things about this Revlon mascara, so I tried it and it is ever so wonderful! Pick up a tube, you won't regret it! Unless you're a dude. Then, just disregard this entire post. UNLESS you're the drag queen whose movie I watched, then you go for it girl! ... (guy?)  

New year, new post :)

I need a fresh start. Seriously 2013 caused me to get my first prescription for Xanax. So, thank you and goodbye, 2013, you dumb whore.  

I read a quote that said if you write down your goals and someone else know about them then you are like almost a bajillion times more likely to accomplish them. Here are a few things I want to will do this year.

* Get skinnier thighs

* Blog at least 2x a month

(I've also been thinking about starting a new blog. It would be about stuff I cook that is good, how to dress if you are a Mormon ie: DON'T WEAR A SLEEVELESS MAXI DRESS WITH A DOWNEAST CAP SLEEVE UNDERNEATH, Makeup that I buy that makes me look less like a crack whore and more pretty, crap like that. A little more profesh and little less personal than this one. We'll see what happens.)  

* Don't get on the internet until Eva goes down for a nap

* Read more books
* Finish reading the Book of Mormon

*Get a new hairstyle. Ugh, I need serious help here!

* Go on vacation somewhere I've never been before
*Throw/give away 100 things.
(I actually already started this one. It feels wonderful! Somewhere there is a dump full of sweet smelling Bath and Body Works crap I haven't used for years!)

*Make a weekly cleaning schedule and stick to it.

*Use my sewing machine

(got it for Christmas LAST year and it's never even escaped the box. Oopsy!)

I think there are probably 5 or 6 people left who still read when I post. Keep me accountable okie doke?! 

Is it really almost July???!!!

What a crazy year! I want to apologize to my faithful readers because of my blogging absence. I'm not the best at it now that I don't have 8 hours a day, 5 days a week to kill at a mind numbing job! I really do love blogging and I feel like my creativity and spelling smartness are going downhill, so I would love to say that I'm reinstating blackchicken-honey, but I just can't make that promise. I'll do my best though! 

It's crazy to think that 18 months ago I was as big as Shamu. I know I should probably have more kids, but I'm feeling very selfish and I'm just not in the mood to grow a fetus because:  A - it's tough work, B - I'm a wuss, and C- Eva NEVER STOPS! Holy crap, that girl has energy! I just can't explain it. Everyone who babysits her has a hard time keeping up, so it's comforting to know that I'm not the only one who struggles. And, I've had about a million comments about how "busy" she is. Do you think "busy" is another way to say "get your child under control, you crappy mom!" We do love her  a butt load though. Are you ready for a picture overload?

This is the face she makes every time we put sunglasses on her. "Sup, dudes?"

She just looked so tiny and curled up this night. I didn't really capture the cuteness of it, but just take my word for it.

Orphan Eva, before her first haircut and after some oreos.

Helping dad

Who needs dolls? She loves her electronics! Remotes, phones, keyboards. anything with buttons.

Her favorite place to take a rest.

She thinks her camping chair is the shiz!

Anything that can go around her neck is pretty to her. A couple days ago this was her necklace of choice.

And, here she is modeling her mermaid jammies and her breakfast banana. I love how she always crosses her legs in her high chair!

She makes me laugh, and want to tear my hair out, and smile, and almost curl up in a ball and cry every day. 

I love the internet.

Confession: I HATE to do dishes. I loathe the dishes. I would rather scrub a million dirty toilets than do the dishes. And, I swear they never stop. Even if I don't cook anything all day, I have to start the dishwasher at least once. How I lived, like, 2 years without a dishwasher is beyond me. I raise my dish-washed glass to the Amish. You go!

 So, anyway. I will always occasionally let my pans soak in the sink for a night or two.... (or five).
 And then, this happens.



Yeah, you can judge me. I'm filthy. I'm a filthy, filthy girl. I need a spanking. 

I used to just live with these stupid rust rings in my sink, waiting until they would disappear. Until one day I Googled (really spell check, "googled" isn't a word? Get with the times!) "How to get rust stains out of a white sink" and the Google God's introduced me to:

Talk about a poisonous, fume filled, little miracle in a bottle. I love it! Now, as you can see, just a couple little squirts on the rust spots and.... wait for it...

The stains are pretty much gone! No scrubbing. Like I said, a poisonous miracle, right?! 

Then, I just do a little touch up with my bald BF, Mr. Clean and his Magic Eraser (this post has me wondering if I'm slowly killing us with all the chemicals I put in my kitchen sink) and the sink now shines like the top of the Chrysler building! Name that show. I will give you $1.

I hope my little tip helps all you d!rty girls out there!

And because no blog of mine is complete w/o a little Diva action, here you go!

Update on the Darling Diva

Guess what this post is going to be about. I'll wait..... ok, I'll give you the answer. 

EVA

I usually sit on the computer while she is cries herself to sleep for her afternoon nap. Just to make sure the whining doesn't turn into blood curdling screams and self induced vomiting. I decided today that I would dedicate a little post to her. So, here goes!

* She turned one at the end of December

* She still LOVES the Lion King, nothing else can touch it. 

* She loves to read. Sometimes she'll just lay on her back with a book propped up in the air with her hands, flip the pages, and talk to herself. Adorbs!

* She's not a big talker. She says, mama, dada, hello, and up. She also says ca ca. I thought it was just a baby word for gross, but Derrick let me know that it's the S word in Spanish. Who needs Dora when you have an awesome bilingual parent like me?

* Maybe she is so quiet because she is ALWAYS busy making messes  

*She is really weird about food right now. She will refuse to eat what she LOVED the day before. Then, I'll put her down and she'll eat ANYTHING that she can find on the floor. It's a daily struggle. I'll probably just start putting her meals down there. She never fights me with yogurt and chicken noodle soup though. Oh, and as the next picture will tell you she doesn't fight me with chocolate either.

*She is getting to be a pretty good walker, but would still rather crawl.

* Her favorite toys are our phones. She holds everything up to her ear and pretends it's a phone. It's totally presh!

*She gives high fives, shakes her head no, puts her hands up for "touchdown", still gives the best open mouth slobber kisses, and still loves to cuddle. 

That is all for today! Until next time peeps.

Nelly ain't Got Nothin on Me

My mom wanted all of our family to write a letter to Dylan to read while he was flying out to Washington. 

Here is the rap I promised to post. 

Tupac lives within me.

Yo! Yo! What up Bro?

I'm just livin' the dirty life, but I ain't no ho!

I know you're sittin' on a plane, just killin' time.

So I'll facilitate you, and provide this rhyme.

All your bags are packed, you've got a full canteen,

Now it's time to get in the missionary routine!

You gotta get up early and hit those knees!

Do some pushups, and give your killa' guns a squeeze!

 Get your butt outside and hop on your dope hog.

Don't forge your helmet to protect your nog'!

You're lookin like a boss in your suit and tie.

You're dressed to kill, you're super fly!

Investigataz and hataz best watch out in the WA,

Cuz here comes a bad A, DYLAN RAY!

Instead of poppin' caps, you'll be bustin' out scriptcha!

And, I'll pray that the Holy Ghost be with cha!

Ain't no need to get skurr and have a whack attack,

cuz you're homeboy Jesus has got your back.

Now go out there, and spread the word.

The gospel is the shiz, ain't ya heard?

We're proud of you Dyl, Way to be!

Love - Me, Big D, & Eva Marie

Psycho!

I've turned into a homebody. It's just better for my sanity if we stay home. When we need to go out for more than an hour, I literally almost always have a panic attack trying to get ready and I'm ALWAYS late! Do you think it's time I embrace the crazy and start to medicate? I hate packing up diapers and wipes and worrying about feeding Eva and her nap time and all that baby stuff. And, I swear she poops right when I'm about to put her in the car. Plus, I'm still breastfeeding and I'm just not that comfy with pulling my fun bags out for the world to see. 

Now, if you come to my church it's a rare occasion if you DON'T see boobies! Every Sunday I'm just waiting for National Geographic to show up. Derrick's never wanted to go to church more! Some mom's are pretty good about it, but others just let them flop all over the place! It's insane to me. Like, seriously, go in the Mother's Room! That's what it is there for. Oh yeah, and while I'm on the "Mother's Room" don't throw your kids poopy diapers in there. Honestly people have some respect! 

I'm sure people will read this and be like "It's beautiful and natural. Wah Wah Wah." I totally agree, and trust me, if there is anyone that's okay with nakedness, it's me. I massage naked people ALL. THE. TIME. I had to get naked at massage school every day for 7 months, but when I was growing up I was taught that boobs are a private part and I'm pretty sure my parents would have been disappointed if I had gone around flashing them in public, especially at church. So, why is it different if there is a baby attached?

I'm obviously rambling like a crazy person. I'll tell you a secret (I'm on a pain pill) shhhh! I'm not abusing though. I was in real pain! Not anymore! Apparently I'm either angry or really stupid when I take pain meds. I guess today is an angry day.

Let me tell you a little tale about the last time I had an angry day.

It was Sunday night. The next day was Labor day. Around 10 PM I noticed some unusual lights coming from outside. There were some people running around outside with flashlights. I decided to stay up for a while and write my brother, Elder Anderson, a rap. (Pretty sure that's where the stupid comes in, but it did turn out pretty awesome! I'll post it later.)  

Around 11:30 I decided to retire to my bedroom. The window was open and my dear husband was sleeping soundly. As I tried to drift off into sweet slumber I hear loud laughter and screaming from out my window. I try to shake it off and re-enter dream mode. This goes on for another half an hour. I decide to get up and shut the window, in hopes that the annoying people outside will hear it and take a hint. 

The laughter and shrieking of stupid college kids continues to disturb my peace. It is now 12:30. This has gone on long enough! I get up, put on some of Derrick's basketball shorts and a T-shirt, and stomp downstairs. I unlock the door, step outside and witness around 7 grown adults standing in a circle with flashlight pointed at the ground. They have fallen silent at the sight of me. (I probably looked like a midget in Derrick's shorts. They always make me go quiet and stare too.) And then, the crazy person inside of me unleashed!

I said, "HEY! I'VE GOT A BABY IN THERE AND A HUSBAND WHO HAS TO GET UP IN 4 HOURS! COULD YOU PLEASE BE QUIET!!!!" And some stupid kid says, "sorry."  And I said, in the most exasperated/annoyed tone I could muster, "THANK YOU!".  And shut my door. And they shut-up. And I officially became the psycho who lives in number 163. 

(I don't really live in 163, I just don't dare put my real number on here. So, don't go looking for me there.)     

This post was going to be about Halloween. I don't know what happened. 

Drama for your Mama!

I haven't transitioned into motherhood all that well. I don't know what the heck my deal is. It just hasn't been as easy as I thought it would be. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy being a mom. I just think I suck at it. I mean I've already let her fall off the bed and burn herself with my flat iron. I'm shocked I'm not in prison. And Derelict is already ready for another one! Haha, I think he's taking crazy pills. So, the blog has been put at the bottom of the priority list. Now I spend my time on pinterest cooking or cleaning or wiping a tiny diva's butt. 

Eva Marie is 9 and 1/2 months old. Is that totes cray cray or what?! I swear being pregnant for nine months went by WAY slower than these last nine months have. It makes me so sad. I just want her to stay little forever! 

Is anyone in the mood for a little Diva brag sesh?

She claps (adorable)
She gives kisses
She loves to be sung to
She loves her face tickled
She loves to read books
She is a total cuddlebug
She crawls

She pulls herself up to stand
She has one teeny tooth
She loves to bonk heads
She doesn't cry when she gets hurt, she growls
She strikes a sexy pose
(the only picture I have of sexy pose is in the bathtub. Sorry pervs!)
She loves her legs massaged
She loves to eat yogurt, sweet potatoes and peaches, and pumpkin
She loves the tub

She can give low 5's
She can wave bye bye
She loves the Lion King
(yes, I let her watch TV. It will be ok. As an infant I loved Dirty Dancing and Rock and Roll Mom. I'm totally fine)
She says Mamamamamamamama
She whispers bababababababa
She doesn't really like toys
She loves cell phones, cords, tags, and paper

And here are some funny pics

Static Electricity! 

Uncle Gordon and their matching hairdo

Crib Wedgie

Eucerin Face

We lurve her!

Speak Eva, Speak!

This is how Eva was talking for like a week. She didn't do  it very good on the video, but this is the best I could do! :)

Raindrops on Roses and Whiskers on Kittens

Preface: When you read the favorite things editions, you must read/think in a British accent because that is the voice I typed it in. 

Hello, and welcome all to the first edition on my favorite things. Today's topic will be my favorite baby things. Fitting, no?


I have been a mother for five months, so obviously I'm an expert. And because I have a wealth of knowledge and a crap load of friends that will be pushing babies out of their poor va-jay-jay's soon, I thought I'd share a few things that have saved the single shred of sanity that I have left. 


Tons of people tell me that they feel overwhelmed when shopping for their first baby. Here's are some tips you might find helpful:


 ***Avoid Babies R Us like the plague! A sick, puss filled, oozing,  hacking plague. I didn't step foot in Babies R Us until I was 8 months pregnant. We already had everything we needed and we were broke, so I only had a teeny urge to spend our life savings.***


***Wait until AFTER your baby shower to buy toys, clothes, burp cloths, bibs, blankets, etc. This is a tough one, but it can be done!***


***Borrow, Borrow, Borrow! And if you can't borrow it, buy it used and sanitize the shiz out of it! It doesn't make you stingy. It means you're smart. Baby stuff only lasts so long, takes up a lot of space, and is EXPENSIVE. There are tons of people on KSL trying to get rid of their baby crap.***
  

*The Straight Jacket* 
(It's actually called the SwaddleMe, but let's call  a spade a spade)


Why it saved our lives - It keeps the baby swaddled which provides them with comfort and a looooooooong nights sleep (10-12 hrs for my bambina), It keeps the baby warm, You don't have to worry about the baby becoming unswaddled and suffocating like you will with a regular blanket.


The only hard thing about this was trying to ween her off of it. The night I took it away I swear she woke up 10 times. It turns out I was taking it away too early. I gave her another month and tried again and now she's sleeping just fine.  

*White Noise*


Everything I read said white noise would help babies sleep longer, and because I'm a sleep whore I had to investigate. I found this little gem of a site that lets you download white noise MP3's.
http://cantonbecker.com/music/white-noise-sleep-sounds/mp3s.php
I downloaded them on my iPod, put that sucker on repeat, and play it in her room all night long. Way cheaper than buying a $50 noise machine! (are you still reading with an accent?)

*The SnotSucker*


Don't vomit.Being a mother is gross, you just need to accept it and get over it. This thing is the bomb DOT com. If you don't believe me look up the reviews on Amazon.  

*The JJ Cole Carseat Blanket*


The reasons why I love this are three fold. It keeps Eva warm and snuggly, I don't have to take a blanket everywhere I go, and because she has a severe pooping problem and sometimes it leaks out of her pants and everything. SO SICK! Anyway, this has been great because when poop disaster strikes, I don't have to tear apart the whole carseat to clean it. I just have to wash the blanket. SCORE! 

 *Hyland's Teething Tablets*


The Diva is still toothless, but I can tell when her gums hurt (or I just want her to shutup so I drug her). I had a few people recommend these teething tablets to me, so i gave them a shot. They are all natural, dissolvable, magical, and available at your local Wal-Mart. 

*The Bath Sponge*


This is a muy bueno alternative to a plastic tub because it was only $8, it just looks pretty comfy, and it doesn't take a lot of space to store it. I make sure and put a wash cloth under her booty, just in case!