So Frusterateen!!

I can't take it anymore. Seriously.

It's PUMPKIN people

not punkin, or pumkin.

So all you bakers and carvers and decorators on Facebook
did not really do anything that spectacular because
my 7 year old nephew can spell better than you can.

Ugh.

Either my work needs to block Facebook again or they need to get a spell check
because I might have a brain aneurysm over this crap one day.

P.S. I'm picking up wedding pics today
so I'll actually have something to blog about!
Woot woot!

Branded... a Skank

Derrick and I went through the temple on Saturday.

(did anyone else feel the earth shake?)

Yay! We loved it and everyone who came to support us!

It was a way good day EXCEPT...

Yeah, yeah, I know what you're thinking.

I've heard it all, and got all the looks.

But it really is a curling iron burn. I did it on Friday.

And it's Tuesday and I still look like a hooker.

I'm going to start telling people that I had a dream I was doing it with Edward Cullen and I woke up with the mark on my neck and then I'll rub my arms like I have the chills.

And then I'll squeal

"AHHH GO TEAM EDWARD!!"

The poor ladies who helped me through the temple...

I might as well have tattooed my forehead.

I'M A FORNICATOR

I had to go purchase my G's and my temple dress and stuff with that on my neck.

Like I said, I got some looks.

Acutally IT got some looks.

It's like I don't have eyes anymore.

I can only imagine what they were thinking.

"She has no business in garments."

"Does she NOT know what "Hazard in the Horizontal" means?"

"She must be from Tremonton."

"It figures, she's not even wearing a CTR ring or a WWJD bracelet!"

"What the flippin fetch is THAT harlot doing in THIS store?"

I'm dying!! I hope it goes away.

I was bored Sunday waiting for Derrick so I was taking some pics in my car.

In this one I was trying to give a serious emphasis.

And that look, ladies and gentleman, is the EXACT eyes bugging out of the skull, tight lipped, veins bulging out of the neck look that I used to get from my mother when I was in trouble.

Scary huh?! I do need the lips a little tighter

:( My poor kids.

Don't Drop the Soap!

I've been having a moment of silence
for the stressed sickly comatose state of my brain.

My friends were really worried about it
so they threw me a thermometer theme party!

And these thermometers were extreme!

Instead of having one round part on the bottom like this....

The theremometers had two round ends and they were all turned upside down.
I know it sounds kind of weird, but I just kind of went with it.

I guess they were feeling bad for my sick stressed out brain
so I got double the thermometer power!

And we had EVERYTHING thermometer.

Thermometer balloons, thermometer straws, a thermometer cake,
I even had a veil with two headed thermometer sequins all over it!

Talk about good times.
I'm feeling much better!

They called Derrick and asked both of us Q's about each other and for every one I got wrong I had to chew a HUGE piece of bubble gum.

Derrick thought it was hilarious so he kept giving off the wall answers so I would get them wrong. Just for that. I'm wearing my lingerie over my G's on our honeymoon. And then when he acts like it isn't hot I'm locking myself in the bathroom and calling my mom.

Haha, who's laughing now, chump?!

And then a very sweet couple we know threw us a Couples Shower!

This is the only pic I have.

The guys we invited were kind of freaked out about it,

(especially my dad)
but it turned out to be way really awesome freaking fun blast!

We got lots of marital advice.

One of the best ones was about fighting naked.

It turned into this big joke and I don't think

Derrick's parents thought it was very funny.

They had the whole unapproving/awkward laugh goin on.

I know some couples who fight for weeks.... Ew.

And THEN Derrick's Mom and his sisters threw me a shower

and my sisters threw me another shower!

Here's a pictorial tribute to them both.

So, lots of showers means lots of

presents, laughing, shrieking out, awkward silences, hugs, pics, perma smiles...

Gotta love it. :)

Hey Everybody, Come See How Good I Look!

I know you probably need a pace maker now because
you almost died over how hot we are.

It's tough being dead sexy.

I have to give Tina some credit too.
She's freakin awesome
Check out her blog here

I guess I'm a zero cow wife.

Place

Flowers

Shoes

Honeymoon

And that's about all we've got set in stone folks.

We've changed reception spots thee times.

Cried like a million times.

Changed photographers twice

AND

Farmed like 10 cold sores.

Why? I'll tell you why.

Freakin A stupid sheep.

Manure flicking cows.

And filthy, filthy swine.

Oh yeah.

We accidently set our wedding day for August 29th.

The Saturday of the Box Elder County Fair.

Dun, Dun, Dun...

Cows are taking precedence over our eternal union.

Maybe it's a sign.

I'm being forced to forfeit everything because all the people my parents invite from Treetown won't come because they'll be too busy getting cancer from breathing in the Carni's cigarrette smoke, playing in animal feces, and inhaling deep fried fair food.

I can't blame them for the food part. We are still getting married the 29th because our honeymoon is booked and so we will still be having a dinner with family and friends and I've seriously contemplated having the wedding dinner at the fair.

How white trash/awesome would that be?!!!

So I'm thinking the reception will be held on September 12th.

Think y'all can pencil that in?

Or is there hay to hauled and hogs to be fed?

Or is it the Bear River Football Homecoming Game?

Dudes. Don't forget to dig in your closet for your nice pants with only 2 poop stains on them and I won't make you wear a black tie. Just wash that boogery loogie stained handkerchief around your neck and put on your black cowboy hat. You'll exude class. Or you could wear your old football jersey or letterman's jacket. You know you want to so just do it. I'm giving you the excuse.

Ladies. Make sure to try to outdo the bride (me) in looks. Seriously because EVERYONE will remember what you looked like walkin through that line and if you aren't fresh you can kiss your good reputation at the salon goodbye. So don't eat for two days, hike your G's up to your boobs, put on your tightest shortest dress, and make your hair HUGER than normal. You want squirrels to be able to hide out and make babies in there.

"I Wanna Lie on the Beach and Eat Hot Dogs. That's All I've Ever Wanted."

Today when I got to work and decided to

be productive I took the

"Which character are you most like on The Office Quiz"

on Facebook.

I'm Kevin

Then I wanted to let people know that I am Kevin so I'm diggin all over in my purse looking for my phone and I've got nothin. Go out to search my car and nothin.

I come back into work and decide to call it just to make sure.

And suddenly I feel this strange vibration on the left side of my chest.

Yup, it was in my bra.

"Wait, back up. Do you think that I'm retarded?"

I Need an Elephant Tranquilizer

ATTENTION ALL SINGLES

IF YOU EVER GET MARRIED...

ELOPE.

I've turned into the most ornery person I know.

I'm like Mrs. Jumbo when she gets pissed.

And my dependency on Pepsi is growing. So, who knows?!

Maybe I will turn into Mrs Jumbo.

Don't cross me or I'll take you down and my fat butt is going right on your head.

Yo Homie, Where You At?!

Here's tha deal yo. I was gonna hook y'all
up PHAT with some a dem engagement pics,
know what I'm sayin,
but we bounced and got a new photographer.

So dis post won't be flashy
and all dat, but if you want an invite to
da dopest wedding around L-Town
hit me back with your address
ya heard?!

flutterby_501 at hotmail dot com

Peace and Love

{Yes, I'm still white. I just started typing and the words started to flow. I can roll with anybody.}

Overreacting? I Don't Think So.

Stuff I Need Before the Big Funeral

{I mean wedding. Haha Oopsy}

1. A total body reconstruction.
Complete with a fantastic booty, perky breasts, and a waist smaller than
the "thing" that men who drive big trucks are compensating for.

2. Crack Cocaine

3. A mom and a mother in law who aren't
on two completely different ends of the spectrum
{it's not that I don't love you, you just couldn't be more different.}

4. A wedding coordinator who has her shiz together.
Really. There's about to be a smack down and we
aren't even that far into it.

5. A couple stiff drinks.

6. A cheap, yet exotic, honeymoon to fall into my lap.

7. A magical cure for cold sores from the Herepes Fairy

8. A year supply of Xanax.

The "Grand" Engagement

Day One

We got off work and went to eat at the best China place on the planet!

Then we started driving...
I couldn't stay awake fer nothin!
I think Derelict was feeling the same way too, so we stopped
in the Fillmore Beaver area and got a hotel.
And that was day one.


Day Two
We wake up way too early and start driving some more.


And then "in the twinkling of an eye"
We were at Kolob Canyon of Zions National Park.

Not much to do here, but drive. It's beautiful though.
Even Derrick can appreciate it's natural beauty.

Here he is... touching the butt crack.

After Kolob Canyon we drove down to Zions

and had lunchy at Oscar's Cafe.

It was so stinkin cute there!

We got some awesome sandwhiches with sweet potato french fries.

I was in heaven.

Then we got ready to go on the scariest/longest hike of my life.

Here I am about to pee my pants cuz we are going to climb to

the top of that freakin mountain.

I got whooping cough a few years ago and I would cough so hard
that I would throw up. Like, with no warning.

One time I was driving in crazy traffic in Orem to get my oil changed. It was seriously taking me a half hour to drive 10 miles.

I started coughing and

!!BLECH!!

Puked all over myself.

Needless to say, I was pissed.

Anyway ever since then, when I reach the point of overexertion

I dry heave like crazy.

So... here we are about an hour into the hike

after a massive dry heave spell.

This hike is nuts.

You get to the point where the drop offs are so crazy that they have a

chain going up the rest of the mountain that you can hang on to.

Grown men have gone off of the cliffs and fallen

over a thousand feet.

And I saw people with five year olds doing this hike.

What is wrong with people!

We finally made it to the top!

It was worth it, but I won't be doing it again for a

long freakin time.

We saw this butterfly on our hike down.

We were hammered so we only hiked around a little bit more.

It was a fun day.

Day 3

We woke up way too early again and

we made it to the Grand Canyon.

We went to a place in the trees

and that's where Derrick proposed.

Our Sacred Grove

It was perfect. He got down on one knee, I said yes,

we hugged, I jumped up down like a little girl,

we made out in the great outdoors,

text everyone and their dog, took some more pics,

drove through Zions one more time,

and headed home on Monday morning!

Bring on the wedding planning Madness!!!

I've Been Knocked Up.

Yup, I can't suck it in anymore.

My hands are kind of in the way.

I thought it would add emphasis, but it really just covers it up.

We couldn't be more excited to be having a little bundle of joy!

And if you look really closely on that left hand you'll see...

Baaaaaah!

We're Engaged!!

{I'm not really prego. I just ate a HUGE burrito.}

Stay tuned for the trip/engagement deets

I'm Freakin Out Man

K, I'm going on a mini personal vaca tonight

and I haven't even packed.

I get off work at 6:00 and I take my lunch at 3:00

so for lunch I am packing.

I haven't packed because
I have no idea where I am going,
So I have no idea what the crap to pack.

Derrick told me to tell all my jobs that I can't work this weekend
and to pack 3 or 4 changes of clothes and that
he will drive all night tonight and when I wake up tomorrow
we will have arrived at our destination.
That's all the info I have.

Where are we going?!

I'll go total granola on his A
no razor =
braided armpit hair=
never going surprise camping again. Ever.
Can you just picture me here?

Posing for pics, Sipping Coladas,

Sucking my guts in so hard that my

eyes are about to explode out of my head.

Complete Bliss.

Ah, home sweet home for Ho Bags like me.

Huh Nat?! :)

I think he plans on knocking me out

because there's no way I'm going to be able to sleep.

And if he plans on knocking me out... I could get left for dead.

If my body is ever found,

my only request is that someone sings

"Another One Bites the Dust" at my funeral.

I love and will miss you all.

(Even those of you who "hate" me, but read my blog anyway)

Funniest Ever

I could watch this everyday and never get tired of it.

Plus the one totally looks and acts like Derrick which makes it even better.

Happy Mothers Day!

"Say Something Crazy...Like You're Wearing Ladies Underwear"

Today is a monumental day. In my almost 4 years experience as a massage therapist I have never seen what I saw today.

This guy came in for an hour massage. Then after about 20 minutes he said he was very impressed and wanted to know if he could extend his massage to 90 minutes.
So I thought, well since I have extra time I'll work on his glutes a.k.a booty.
{Don't judge me. It's not like I rub the butt cleavage. Just the fleshy cheeky part.}

So I go to undrape one butt cheek and low and behold the dude is wearing black meshy see through bikini underwear! It was almost a thong.

I could barely control the peals of laughter that were about to make my gut rupture.

:) It was a good day.

I'm Ready for My Spankings!

It's My BIRTHDAY!!!

I have a totally awesome day planned.

I'm working at one job from 8-6

And then I'm working at another job from
7-whenever people stop coming in for massages!

BAH!!

I can't even handle it.

So anyway I need 23 good hard smacks on the bum today.

Not so hard that it makes my butt swollen so I can't fit in my pants,
but hard enough that I giggle cuz it stings a little.

Happy You're Underappreciated and We Know it Day!

Yup that was yesterday... Actually it was on Wednesday, but my bosses forgot so I got appreciated yesterday instead.

I'll sheepishly admit that I get excited for this day.
Why?
I'll tell you why.

I print off a paper for a guy they other day and he says.
"Umm this paper you cut is too big to fit in this plastic holder"

As I look at the holder I can see about a centimeter of the width of the paper is sticking out.
I look down at my pants...
Oh no! When I walked my A over to his office to deliver the paper I can see that I've forgotten to put on my handy dandy Professional Administrative Assistant Tool Belt.

My response?
"Oh. Well then trim it."
And I walk away.

I get yelled after
"What you want ME to cut it MYSELF?"
And he was dead serious.


Or one of my personal favorite conversations with men I've seen everyday for the last 2 and 1/2 years and by strangers. Held at least once a week.
Hmm, there's the secretary. Ahh I can see she doesn't have on a wedding ring.
Total conversation starter.
Here's what I'll do to break the ice.
Hold up the left hand and wiggle or point to the ring finger and raise the eyebrows.
She'll know what I'm talkin about.

I'll usually raise the eyebrows back.

Then they say. "I can see you don't have a ring on your finger"

And I'll say "Yup you're right"
Freakin genius

Then they say "Well what's the problem?

And I'll smile way fake and say "I dunno it just hasn't happened yet"
It's because I'm bipolar ok?

Then they say "Well, if it were me I woulda done it a long time ago"

And I say"Ahh, well that's sweet"
Yeah? If it were you, you would have been smothered by a pillow and rotting in your grave by now. What you think about that?

The conversation can then end or some people have the audacity to push it further.
Like talking to my boyfriend's dad about why it hasn't happened yet...
No joke.
(hang head in embarrassment)

What will people talk to me about after I get married?
Probably my empty uterus.

I CAN"T WAIT!!!

Also...

The endless telemarketing calls, Lying to people who my bosses don't want to talk to on the phone, Pretending to have a happy face when I really want to rip someones head off, Decorating the 10 foot tall Charlie Brown Christmas tree year after year, The countless brain cells I've lost doing mind numbing filing, copy making, enetering numbers, and pretending to look busy.

What makes up for all this and more?

Beautiful Flowers
Lunch at Cafe Sabor on Wednesday
Lunch at the Bluebird on Thursday
A cool crisp Pepsi.

Ahh the Good life...

I'll Claw Your Eyes out Beeotch

I'm going to conference this weekend.

It's supposed to be interesting this time.

I heard all the homo's are flying in from Cali.

I wasn't too worried about those limp wrists holding pistols and knives and what not.

BUT...

Then I remembered what butch lesiban chicks look like.

:(

A Movie and Somethin to Munch On

The Boy in the Striped Pajamas

Wow.

That's really all I can say about this movie.

Both of you who read my blog need to watch this.

It will make you cry and feel like a selfish brat.

And K-Dawg gave me a recipe that's just too good not to share.

Chicken Parmesan

3-4 Chicken Breasts

1 Cup Flour

1 tsp Salt

1/2 tsp Pepper

1-2 Eggs

1 Cup Seasoned Bread Crumbs

1/2 Cup Grated Parmesan Cheese

Olive Oil

Butter

Marinara Sauce (like Ragu or something)

Mozzarella Cheese

Preheat oven to 350*

Put flour, salt and pepper into a zip lock bag.

Place chicken in bag and shake to coat.

Dip the chicken in the egg.

Put bread crumbs and parmesan cheese into a different bag.

Place chicken in bag and shake to coat.

Fry each breast on stove in olive oil and butter for 3 minutes on each side.

Put chicken breasts in a glass baking dish.

Put mozzarella cheese and marinara sauce on top of each breast.

Cover with tin foil and bake until chicken is done.

(Mine took and hour. Kelsey said hers takes like 20 minutes)

We ate it with breadsticks and asparagus and it was nothing short of divine!

Bon Appetit Mon Ami!

Get Excited!!! It's Springtime!

I've had nothing to blog about FOREVER!!! I've done stuff, but I have no pics to show for it so it's not like you guys would believe me and I'm in a creative writing funk. And it's freakin funkalicious... but not to worry because it's almost SPRING!!!!

Here's how I know...

The birds have started clunking into my work windows and falling to the ground. It's good for a laugh. I'm not way cruel. Sometimes I'll check on them and they'll usualy live. One time we even got a pheasant, but it croaked so we gave it to the Mexicans in the back.
Pheasant Breakfast Burritos!!! Muy Beuno!

The bad A motorcycle owners are out with their snow gear on. It must be a rush to have that 30 degree wind blowing through your ski mask on the open road.

I'm developing rashes and cold sores/fever blisters and it's only from the neck up. And my nose is runny. I'm like a walking face STD. It always happens when the weather changes. It blows, but as long as a certain part of my body that rhymes with mipple can't cut through glass when I go outside anymore... I'll deal with it.

(I stole mipple from TAMN. Haha she's a genius)

I tried on a swimming suit at Old Navy and almost burst into tears. They have the most unflattering lighting! This happens every year at springtime too. So I decided I'm not going to stress about it. I only put a swimming suit on like 2 times last year.
Working out and starving to fit in a bikini is overrated.
SQUEEZING IS BELIEVING!

Sound Off

This post will be kind of random, but it's just some things I"ve been thinking about lately that I don't want to forget. It's going to get long winded.

Cops

I don't feel protected by my local law enforcement. A policeman just strolled in here a couple minutes ago and let me tell you something... he could have literally passed for a pig. If I'm being chased down by some creep and one of our fat officers comes to the rescue, my bet is that the creep is going to get his duty done before the cop can come within flagpole distance of saving me.

I also feel like I'm always hearing about the "dirty" cops in L-town backing up a certain drug lord whose name I will not disclose. I have no proof or evidence. All I have is word of mouth and the fact that there can't be a whole lot going on over here to get these guys excited. When you were a loser in high school who got pushed around and then you decide to become part of a group of people who can push anyone you want to around, you're going to take advantage of the perks. I knew some kids in high school who had weed confiscated from them on the street with a WARNING! Last time I checked a 15 year old with drug paraphanilia should be getting his butt thrown in jail or at least have their parents contacted. Wonder what the cops did with all that weed?

Work and Humility

There's something admirable about those Amish people. They work to survive. If they don't churn that butter, they aren't going to eat. If they don't shear the sheep, they won't have clothes on their backs. What do I go to work for? To make a dollar to pay rent and my debts. Maybe even save up to take a vaca or buy a new outfit.

I feel the problems with the economy are a blessing in disguise. Now that we're in an economic crisis and people are losing their jobs, it's forcing us to become more humble. Why does it take tragedy to make us realize what's most important? I feel like too often we get caught up in what I'm driving, what I'm wearing, what my house looks like, what if I miss my show? Thank goodness for DVR. But then money gets tight and the clothes, and the weekend getaways and the TV is gone. Sure, they are things you'll miss, but will your heart yearn for them the way your heart will when you lose that family member or someone close to you that you wish you could have spent more time with, but were too preoccupied with your"stuff"?

I find that I'm genuinely the happiest when I'm with my family and closest friends playing games or just doing nothing, when I'm doing something selfless for someone else just to make them smile, or when I'm busy getting something accomplished instead of sitting on my butt wathing TV, waiting for a good laugh.

I'm slowly learning that there are only two things we've been promised to keep from this earth when we die. The knowledge we gain and our families. So for my late new years resolution I'm going to try to fight harder to keep those things closer to me.

Don't think I'm a weirdo. I'm still going to watch The Office and What Not To Wear and feel bad for myself because I'm not on a sunny beach gettin my tan on and I don't think ALL cops are dirty. I was just feeling insightful.

Love and the Beav... :)

I made it back from boarding alive with no accidents!(actually one of us had a different kind of "accident", ya know, the one that involves wetness in the crotchal region, but I'll leave the guessing of who it was to you)

We brought K-dawg along for the ride and it was her first time too so we got to learn together.

Derelict was an excellent teacher. If you're interested in lessons he charges by the hour and you have to repay him in sexual favors. So you can imagine what the rest of our night was like.

wink* wink* Poor Kelsey... she had no idea what she was getting into.

:) jk

I'm excited to go again, even though today is the first day I've been able to walk unlike a pedafile who just came back from a vicious male prison.

And check out the board they gave me...

If you look closely it says

MOM KIM

How creepy is that?

For those of you who don't know my mom's name is Kim.

It's like she's always watching...

And a bonus pic for your viewing pleasure

I know, I know you're diggin the gloves.

Next time I'm in the 80's I'll buy you some with a matching fanny pack.

I also want to point out that...

Love Day is coming soon!

In honor of this wonderful day where we express our love for people/things

((Things I love in no particular order) people I don't like from high school getting fat and proving their dumbness on their blogs, my blog stalkers, asparagus, being a cougar (An 18 yr old gave me his number the other day), my bff's, Costa Vida, my family, Derrick, The Office....)

I've made a Love Mix that's perfect for rockin out to and it's sure to get ya in the mood for your V-day celebrations. 60% of the time it works, every time. Be sure to check it out.